Oscars 2014 Fashion Rundown: The WTF

And here we conclude the 2014 Oscars coverage. I know I haven't featured too many men this time around, but let's face it - they were sort of boring. EXCEPT, of course, for the absolutely insane speech that Matthew McConaughey gave. I can't wait to meet 10 years from now McConaughey... and then mock him for letting down the man who looked to him as his hero. I also acknowledge that I haven't covered Ellen at all. For the record, I thought she looked great, did great, and can now count her profession as Professionally Likeable. Let's wrap it up, shall we?

THE WTF

Penelope Cruz!

Overall (and from far away) this is super duper pretty. Love the styling (except for the bag - it's too boxy for an ethereal look) and I actually quite like a delicate pink paired with black. But! What happened to this dress? Did they just cut far too much fabric and then decide to make it part of the gown? Was she worried that she maybe she'd be a little chilly and would need some chiffon to keep her one shoulder warm? I just can't make sense of it.

Lady Gaga!

A) Lady Gaga at the Oscars? B) I'm pretty sure that Lada Gaga stole Kristen Chenoweth's gown and Pen Cruz's chiffon. What in the world is happening here?!

Whoopi Goldberg!

Julia Roberts' Golden Globes look + Wizard of Oz + flapper beads+ Margot Tenenbaum's fake finger x2 + Seinfeld's puffy pirate shirt. INDEED.

Julie Delpy!

Little known fact: In addition to being a brilliant actor and writer, Julie Delpy is also a brilliant spider. If you look closely, it says, "Terrific" right under her armpit.

Pharrell Williams (seen here with Helen Lasichanh)!

Is this guy going for some sort of record on the most WTF outfits on a red carpet? I mean, I know we haven't yet addressed The Hat (because, uhhhh Grammys didn't actually happen here due to me being fashion weary), but this is two for freaking two. I mean, most tuxes could lose about an inch off the hem but this is just ridiculous. Pharrell! Look at your life, look at your (fashion) choices. You are not Kurt Von Trapp.

WAIT! I was just looking this over and I noticed that both Helen and velvet coat there in the back are wearing Little Lord Fauntleroy neck bows! That's AMAZING. What are the odds?!

Oscars 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Bad

Let me address the elephant in the blog: we're not doing Kim Novak. I was dismayed and, frankly, somewhat frightened when I saw her on the telecast and I was going to make some comments but I've been thinking about it quite a bit in the past couple of days...and I just can't. It all comes down to the impossible standards of beauty for women, especially women who are famous for, well, looking like Kim Novak in Vertigo and the absolute lack of permission to age. So there you go: no Kim Novak on WTS. But we can talk about how Matthew McConaughey was weirdly rubbing her back through their whole presentation, right? Matthew! Mind your hands, young man.

THE BAD

Goldie Hawn!

Oh but I definitely WILL talk about Goldie Hawn in her sexy nightgown. Goldie nooooo. You look like your arms are wearing bunting from the Moulin Rouge. Your hair looks like you stole it off your daughter (in a bad way). And everything - absolutely everything- is one color! I truly love you, Goldie, and I want so much more for you.

Will Smith (seen here with Jada Pinkett Smith)!

I see what you were going for here, Will, but boy oh boy did you not pull it off. Tick tick tick tick EW. Jada, on the other hand, looks better than she's looked in ages, even with that hideous neckline. Look at your wife. Now look back at yourself. Promise me you'll never put a scarf inside your shirt again. Then again, maybe Megs just don't understand.

Anna Hathaway!

It's a touch too tight, it's not a flattering cut on her, and the bag is ALL sorts of wrong. Worst of all, perhaps, is Anne's homage to Epcot Center by way of torso. Look, Annie: I love Epcot as much as anyone and agree that it is the far superior Disney theme park (space! the future! hydroponic plants! booze! Soarin! cheddar cheese soup in the Canada pavilion!) but this is too much. I can only imagine what happened to the audience's eyes once the lights hit your boobs. Lord, girl, give us a break.

 Julia Roberts!

Oh girl, oh no. No no no. I'm so sorry for your loss, Tablecloth Dowager.

Anna Kendrick!

I have nothing nice to say about this, so.... let me enumerate everything that is wrong. 1) The confusing bustline. Is it a one shoulder? Is it a crew neck? Oh! It's both! 2) The earrings that I hope to never have to look at again. 3) The confusing kitchen backsplash across her torso. 4) The tango skirt from hell. Seriously, you guys, this would have been rejected as a costume in Strictly Ballroom for being "too much." On a scale of 1 to Patton, this is a solid 9.

   
Kerry Washington!

Her head looks amazing! I am really not into the matching bracelets and I think the shoes might be wrong. Perhaps you have spotted the real problem with this look, which is the fact that this is not a dress. No. It is a sheet with the world's prettiest clothespin holding it up. A SHEET.

Cate Blanchett!

This was without a doubt the most disappointing look of the night. I feel I can count on Cate to always bring it and do something a little more interesting than the rest. Alas, here she is my dear readers: Cate Blanchett, the world's most beautiful valet key case. At the end of the night, Cate will help you find your car. Tips accepted.

(hat tip to reader Rosey who came up with that joke at virtually the same moment I did)

Oscars 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Meh!

First of all, I have to confess: I forgot someone yesterday on The Good.

Kevin Spacey!

Sorry about that, Kev. You look great. I love a navy tux.

THE MEH

Jessica Biel!

Let us begin the parade of boring. I appreciate the fact that Biel appears to have not come directly from the gym this time and I definitely appreciate the necklace, but lord could this be more boring!? Ugh.

Leonardo DiCaprio!

As a friend and dear reader said the other night, Leo's got a serious case of baby old face. But the real issue here is that the suit is alllllmost good. The sleeves are a little long but somehow it's a tiny bit snug in the midsection. Also, is it me or does that bowtie seems a skosh too small?

Portia de Rossi!

Fancy lattice fencing: now in gown form! I truly, firmly believe this gown would be an absolute stunner in emerald. Alas, more beige.

 Jenna Dewan-Tatum (seen here with Channing Tatum because why not)!

Unholy combination of Snuffleupagus skirt and figure skating bodice. I almost never like this kind of skirt, but again, I might have been more enthused if it wasn't half a shade lighter than her skin. Love the styling, though, Jenna. Looking good, Magic Mike, even if the front of your hair is the only part of the two of you caught in the wind.

Emma Watson!

I'll give her this: it isn't beige. Unfortunately it ages her in a way that prom dresses from Hot Topic never should. Love the front of her hair, HATE the back. Great makeup.

Kristen Bell!

I love this (yes, even though it's that color) from her head to about her hips. And then it all goes to pot. Because what is an evening gown without some vagina detail on the skirt? I'd love a different lip color. I'd also love to know more details about the burrito she claimed to have in her purse because that is the smallest burrito I've ever seen. Kristen, girl, you deserve a better burrito.

Adele Dazeem!

Oh, Adele. This is the kind of necklace I want to see with a strapless gown! Check that ice! But the everyday hair and makeup don't really turn me on, nor does the detail on the bust. Idina Menzel's boobs: to infinity [sign] and beyond!

Jared Leto!

While I was hoping that Jordan Catalano would do a very fancy updo for the big night, I actually have no problem with the flowing locks. And the tux fits nicely... but... I couldn't help but think that this reminded me of something. Luckily reader Bon spotted it...

Nailed it.

Viola Davis (seen here with Julius Tennon)!

Guys,  I want to love this so much but I just don't. I love the color. I love her head. I love the cuff. I love the design of the bust. But it just is not flattering at all. That's the bottom line.

Meryl Streep!

So close. Love the top, like the skirt, HATE HATE HATE the belt and bracelets with the fire of a thousand suns. I would suggest a slight redesign on the skirt to bring it around in a lovely sash-type jobby around the waist where that hideous jeweled belt is, and then it's sweeping and romantic and not at all Edie Brickell and the Sadly Accessorized Bohemians.

Brad and Angelina!

Brad's jacket looks too big and it doesn't really help his Hippest Dad on the Playground hair. Angelina, I can only imagine, is paying homage to The Wizard of Oz with her dress which (forgive me) is melting! mmmmmeeeelllllltttttttting! Worse than that, perhaps, is that this is actually a beautiful dress that ages her in an unfortunate way. Even though we already agree that Liza was perfection, wouldn't you have loved to see this on her?

Naomi Watts!

I mean, I love the clutch and I would really like to see these shoes with Jen Garner's dress. Other than that? SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOZEFEST.

Charlize Theron!

 This is quite possibly the closest call in all WTS history. Let's be real: this is straight DRAMA and she is owning it. She looks gorgeous, I love that sheer train, and oh my god her hair is just perfect. But she's in the Meh, right? Because the cut on the bust makes it look like it doesn't fit and I hate those sheer sheer sheer straps. Also, a dear reader commented that the bust looked like wine bottles and now I can't unsee it. I'm sorry, Charlize. So very close.

Oscars 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Good!

Welcome to the 2014 Oscars: A Parade of Beige. Seriously, I don't know who told these stars that the world would end if they touched a jewel tone, but someone must have. Someone must have also dared the boys to wear white tuxes. That was not a great dare. Before we go on with the Good listings, I give you a woman who knows no category....

Liza Minnelli!

I ask you: what could be better than Liza is satin loungewear? Liza in satin loungewear with matching hair streak! Do I wish she had opted for a bra? Of course. But come on: Liza is a treasure. She defies category. I love her.

THE GOOD!

Olivia Wilde!

Pregnancy has been very kind to Olivia Wilde. She looks better in formal maternity wear than she's ever looked on the red carpet. This look is classic and effortless. Well done!

Jennifer Lawrence!

This might be a divisive choice, but I like it. I'm glad she went for something a little less poofy princess and I love this color on her. I'm not really sure how why she's wearing the necklace in a way that makes it look like it's trying to escape down her back, but whatever: she's wearing a necklace.

Michael B. Jordan!

Beautiful. This is one of my favorite tuxes of the night. The shoes are extremely fierce as well. And let's be real: Michael B. is just THE CUTEST. Where Wallace at? On the red carpet, looking amazing.

Bette Midler!

Bow. Down.  Bette is flawless and this dress is really cool. For the record, I was also desperately in love with the dress she performed in. I would wear either of them. So great, so beautiful. I'm okay with the lack of necklace (but only barely).

Glenn Close!

You may not be able to tell from this photo, but this dress looks GREAT on her, moves beautifully, and the fabric lends enough visual interest to really make it pop. I would have gone with a different lip color, but that's true for most of the women on the RC yesterday.

Kate Hudson!

My dear readers, I give you the definition of Hollywood Glamour. Dramatic, gorgeous, perfectly fit. Yes yes yes.

Gabourey Sidibe!

Love the color, love the interest at the waistline, love the styling. This dress looked even better on camera. Beautiful.

Sandra Bullock!

Okay, sure, Sandy sat down in the limo (for shame!) and it could use a necklace, but I am IN LOVE with this look on her. It's classic, beautiful color, and the hair on the opposite side from the draping detail is a nice touch.

Kristen Chenoweth!

Bringing the art deco realness! It fits her like a dream and she just looks like a gorgeous golden statue... hrmmm where do you think she got that idea? Also, I love her haircut. Adore.

Jennifer Garner!

While I am not actually in love with this dress, it is so so so much better than the purple ruffle of doom she wore last year that I cannot help but grade on a curve. The shoes are a little bridesmaid-y for me (I would be interested to see this with the shoes Naomi Watts wore), but overall she looks great and the dress just looked so awesome when she moved!

Amy Adams!

Hands down, this is the best fitting dress of the night. Yes, there's a little business suit flavor to it, but I have to be real with you: this is one of my favorite red carpet looks of all Amy Adams time. Those earrings, though, are a CRIME. They are hideous and should never have been part of this.

and finally, the best of the night will be no surprise to anyone...

Lupita Nyong'o!

I couldn't resist using the action shot. Lupita is like a real-life Disney princess. She is just so perfect and wonderful. While I have no problems at all with any of this, I maybe would have swapped the headband for a pendant. I also would have gone for a pinker lip color, but then again maybe it would have been a little tooooo princessy? You know what, who cares. She's perfection personified and, even better, she gave a beautiful speech. Thank you, Lupita! We love you!