Oof, this is going to be a big one. Let's figure out what went wrong, shall we?
THE MEH
January Jones!
Drab, drab, drab. These curtains would be a tastefully girly touch in the home but as a dress they are dreadfully boring. I prefer this over the post-goth black swan look at the Met Ball, but not by much. CUAN, too.
Lena Dunham!
Straight talk: I love the bottom half of this dress. Unexpected color and pattern - very cool. But this dress just isn't right for her. Additionally, I hate her eye makeup with a passion.
Alyson Hannigan!
This really is the worst of the mermaid hair, you guys. To truly pull off the mermaid hair, there must be fullness. I've never been a fan of this silhouette, quite honestly. The only thing that saves this for me is how WONDERFUL she looks in this shade of purple.
Taylor Schilling!
Bright white is not her color. Also, I am deeply unsettled by the high middle slit trend. She can rock that neckline, though, which is also trending.
Leslie Mann!
My only problem is that the dress seems to fade away round about the thighs, much like Marty McFly's brother and sister. If the lining had only gone to the floor, I would have been in love with this dress. And George may have never punched Biff.
Padma Laksmi!
There's something very Diana Prince Goes To An Awards Show about this to me. I'm not sure if it's the gold cuff, the armor-like top of this thing, or the invisible jet. Also, can we just stop already with the midsection cutouts!? (Ugh, just wait till we get to Rose Byrne.)
Carla Gugino!
Midsection cutout camouflaged with football jersey mesh. NEXT.
Kristen Connolly!
Why is she wearing Ikea shower curtains? How could it possibly appear to be too tight
and too big? I kind of dig the pattern but there is far too much of it. Great makeup, though.
Melissa Rauch!
So here's something fun: this dress is constructed with fabric to MIMIC mesh football jersey material. I don't know why. I also don't understand what is happening on the side there - is it a train? Is it just a bunch of mushed up fabric? Love the earrings - great color pairing.
Constance Zimmer!
Behold! The fanciest feather duster in all the land!
Cobie Smulders!
We can agree that Cobie Smulders is a made up name, right? Okay, cool. I am not quite understanding the whole "make my boobs look miniscule" bust trend we saw on Sunday night. I think this gown is absolutely gorgeous and then it's got this weird bust detail that immediately diverts my attention away from the dress and makes me sit and wonder for minutes on end whether her boobs really are that small or if it's an illusion. And I'd rather not be worrying about that when the bigger issue is clearly that extraneous train that has got to go. GOWN DESIGNERS OF THE WORLD: stop putting trains on dresses that do not need/want them. Also, Cobie - a necklace would go far with this look. I'm not asking for much, just a little ice on the clavicle.
Elisabeth Moss!
It just looks so
heavy. Head is wonderful, though. Keep this makeup artist on speed dial, Bitty. (PS I decided that Elisabeth Moss and I are gal pals and I call her Bitty.)
Laura Dern!
Fussy wallpaper dress and puppydog ears hair. Ugh.
Jessica Pare!
My dear readers, get used to this hemline - it was ALL OVER the Oscar de la Renta show a couple of weeks back. Indeed this is an Oscar, and I have to I'm pretty sure this hemline was invented to keep the shoe designers happy. Not a great shoe choice for this gown - far too heavy and draws the eye down - ESPECIALLY when paired with the crazy bustline. Is it a bow? Is it simply the opposite of the teeny tiny bust thing? (Tangentially, what hath Jennifer Lawrence wrought!?) The color is simply outstanding on her, and though I'd like a necklace, I think maybe it would have been just one more thing going on with this look.
Sarah Silverman!
Raise the hem 3 inches and it's every white girl clomping through Old City on a Saturday night.
Margo Martindale!
She looks completely beautiful but I wish this was a gown. With the appearance of separates, it's only meh. The neckline and sleeves are so gorgeous and I love the color. But let's be real, Margo: that is some mom hair.
Malin Ackerman!
Snoooooooozefest.
Rose Byrne!
It's a pretty dress until you realize she's wearing a formal sports bra with a skirt from Gap circa 1996.
Sophia Vergara!
Classic Vergara. Deep V strappy top, hip swadling skirt that flares at the knees. The surprising addition here is what Reader Kate very appropriately termed "rainbow snowman earrings."
No thank you - gaudy, heavy, weird.. I said good day, sir!
Michelle Dockery!
See? There's that hemline again. I really want to like this you guys but I just can't quite get there. I don't know if it's the color combination or the fact that she looks like she's wearing an ornamental dance leotard... one of those.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus!
This is basically her uniform and it works just fine for her, but when the fit is not exactly perfect on a glittery column gown, it shows. CUAN.
Anna Faris!
MY EYES!!!!! MY EYES!!!!! You know, other than the color being absolutely and completely wrong for her, her skin tone, and her hair color - I think she looks fantastic.
Anna Chlumsky!
So close! She looks super beautiful but.... It's a half a size too small, needs a necklace, and dear god does it ever need to lose those hip-a-rific panels on the side. As a woman with hips (and how) I will never understand the impulse to emphasize one's hips with embellishments.
Emily Deschanel!
Her hair and makeup are astoundingly beautiful and perfect. Her dress, however, was clearly a Helen Mirren reject. I went on a shopping trip this weekend with Reader Jackie and she made several comments about how aging lace can be. She was right.
Edie Falco!
Sportswear neckline and big front middle slit. I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.
Emilia Clarke!
Dull, unflattering, and looks unfinished. Also, is her head really that much bigger than her body or is it a weird camera angle?
Kerry Washington!
Kerry Washington is perfect in every way. This dress, on the other hand, is trying far too hard to be romantic. This dress is the personification of the guy who texts you every day at the exact same time and has no idea that instead of wooing you he's actually annoying you. Give it a rest, dress!
Merritt Wever!
Oh, Merritt! I love you and your awesome acceptance speech (
"I gotta go, bye"). This, though - ugh. It's so great in theory, but in execution it just looks like somebody hit you on your head and your torso was absorbed by your legs. Quite simply, you have been stumpified.
Jane Krakowski!
Ill-fitting, unflattering, and because of all of that it looks kind of cheap. Dude. You're usually on top of this. So disappointed.
