Things I Found While Looking For My (Expired) Passport

My dear readers, next week the lovely city of Vancouver will be hosting my show, Chlamydia dell'Arte: A Sex-Ed Burlesque, during their Fringe Festival. I am very excited! I am also woefully underprepared because I have not yet renewed my passport. Thus, this week I have the honor and excitement of paying roughly one million dollars for an expedited passport. The easiest way to get a new passport is to bring the old one. So I had to look for it.

Things I Found While Looking For My (Expired) Passport

* (Expired) condoms

* (Expired) coupons for all sorts of things (Le Creuset pots, hair dye, Lean Pockets)

* (Expired) batteries (presumably to be used in moments when the (expired) condoms were not even a glimmer in the eye...)

* (Expired) AAA cards

* (Very old) pay stubs

* (Very old) love letters sent from Europe

* (Very old) photos of my family

* (Very old) journals full of (very terrible) poetry

* One pair of earrings I thought had been lost forever

* One webcam I was supposed to gift to a friend's mother about 4 years ago

* One decent poem about dance parties in college

* One empty box

* Two small moleskine notebooks that look EXACTLY like (expired) passports until you open them and realize they are filled with casting information for shows that closed many moons ago

* Two sets of earbuds, each broken on the left

* Two lovely cards from a lovely man

* Two angry letters that I'm glad I never sent

* About a thousand thank you cards for birthdays and housewarmings that were similarly not sent...APPARENTLY

* About a thousand copies of CDA postcards, flyers, reviews, and scripts

* About a thousand postcards for shows I never went to see

* About a thousand (very terrible) poems written on little slips of paper

* About a thousand dust bunnies


Things I Did Not Find While Looking For My (Expired) Passport

* My (expired) passport

Alphabetical Advice... to myself

So things are a bit cray-cray in TooShay Towne (I added the "e" to make it fancy), so I think I need some advice. Luckily, I absolutely love giving advice, so I'm going to give myself some right now. For your reading pleasure. And we're going to do it alphabetically because why not!? If this advice has been gleaned from elsewhere, it will be attributed in (parentheses).

Abs workouts feel good and bad at the same time, so just do it anyway.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. (American College Student Code of Conduct)
Carrots, celery, cherries: yes. Chocolate, chicken wings, cheezypoofs: no.
Drink all the water you can handle.
Every day is fresh with no mistakes in it. (Anne of Green Gables)
Forgive the people who hurt you, but don't forget how you got to the point of being hurt.
Get a grip, lady!
Hold steady to your dreams, goals, and values.
I really don't think you need that last glass of wine.
Just keep swimming. (Finding Nemo)
Kale is really, really good for you. Eat some.
Love is always worth throwing yourself completely into, even if it doesn't work out.
Mom and Dad and Sister are only trying to help - be nice!
No one deserves to be on the receiving end of your attitude problems.
OPP, yeah you know me. (Naughty By Nature)
Please, thank you, you're welcome, I'm sorry, and how are you are all words and phrases to be said sincerely.
Quiet time is necessary, especially when things get tough.
Real women ask for help and bourbon.
Style. Please infuse your wardrobe with the style you know it should hold. It's time.
Try to be gentle with yourself. Those little jabs and stabs you are sure people are thinking? They're just in your head, so you don't have to say it first.
Undergarments. Please purchase attractive undergarments. Just for you. Just because.
Vera Wang was really good at figure skating but she didn't make the Olympic team. So she just became the most famous wedding dress designer in the history of ever. And so, remember: A career change is always an option.
Weave your stories, sure, but focus on having experiences instead of doing something just for the hilarious story it will be one day.
You have proven a million times that you'll be fine. So be fine.
Zany is okay, but poised and graceful are now to be cultivated.

Things I See On The Ground In South Philly

* Tumbleweave

* 8 empty bottles of Corona Light, in a line

* Full pack of Newports, soaking wet

* Report card (decent grades)

* Transpass

* Student Transpass

* Shell necklace

* House keys

* aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand this...

Things I Want to Tell You, Dear Readers

Hello my dear 6 readers! I know I've been sort of absent lately and that you don't want to hear my excuses, so I won't make them. INSTEAD I will tell you that I've challenged myself to update this site far more frequently from now on. We shall see how it goes, but I have a ton of things to share.

I want to tell you about the amazing dinner I had a few weeks ago at Talula's Table.

I want to tell you about all of the things I have seen on the sidewalks of South Philly lately.

I want to tell you about the evils of those sticky bra cup things and how, yes, they will rip the skin right off your boobs.

I want to tell you about how angry I am on the whole "legitimate rape/that whole thing" issue. And also I want to tell you that I'm going to name my next band That Whole Thing and our drum will have a drawing of a vulva on it.

I want to tell you about Pussy Riot and how even with the "that whole thing" mess, it's still a pretty awesome thing to live in America.

I will tell you all of these things, so stay tuned! But for now? I need to tell you about the new amazing hair volumizer I bought:

you shall now worship me as your god.

HOLY. CRAP. IT. IS. AWESOME. You guys know that I'm a white girl with fine hair from Jersey and, as such, have always wanted big, beautiful Jerz hair. I seriously have tried everything. Bumble and Bumble Thickening Spray, mousse, gel, Big Sexy Hair Root Pump Spray (and BSH hairspray), back-combing, teasing, etc. When I heard about this powder I immediately needed to have it. I searched every drugstore in Philadelphia (within a 4 block radius of my home and office) but it just was nowhere. Where did I end up finding it? South Jersey, of course!

I'm not going to lie to you: this stuff is a little weird and I'm not entirely convinced that I'm not putting dangerous chemicals on my head that will someday cause me to grow a third nipple. But I don't care because it WORKS. Shake some dry powder onto your roots, rub it around and poof: volume. I am so happy this day has finally come. Thank you, hair fairies!

In loving memory of Clint the fish

My dear, sweet, darling fish died yesterday. I was far more attached to Clint than I ever meant to be and loved him way more than I'd expect anyone to love a pet they couldn't cuddle.

Clint was one of four fish purchased for Flashpoint's production of Boom back 3 years or so ago. We only needed one or two fish onstage but figured they'd all die. We named them like hurricanes, so he was originally called Armando. To our amazement, Clint   Armando did every performance. He was a born star - swimming front and center in the tank as soon as the characters started talking about him.

you can't really see him, but he's there



After the show ended, someone needed to adopt the fish. Without really consulting the person I was living with, I volunteered. I figured, How long can a fish live, really? Turns out the answer is: a long freaking time.

Clint had to be carefully moved from the theatre to the apartment. Not long thereafter, he had to be moved to the new house my ex bought. Not terribly long thereafter, he had to be moved to my temporary residence at my best friend's house. About a month later, he had to be moved to my new place where he eventually shuffled off this mortal coil. My amazing sister was very patient about moving Clint every time. She dealt with gross aquarium water sloshing around the back and front of her car. She drove very slowly because I was freaking out about Clint being okay. On the way to the latest home, we decided to stop for some McDonalds. It was November, so Clint had to come in with us lest he get too cold in the car.

He reaaaaaaaaaally did not enjoy this. Maybe it was the Filet O'Fish or the florescent lighting but he just really hated it and started ramming against the side of his transport device. It was not the most fun moment of my life.

Clint was part of two of my solo shows at home, though he didn't have any cues to learn for either of them. He was just there to add to the ambiance. He loved the rock in his tank. He loved to jump. He was enormous and hearty. He will be sorely missed.

glub glub, buddy.