2013 Emmys: The Bad!

Batten down the hatches, my dear readers. Bad decisions were made. I'll try to go in some sort of order from Bad to Worse. I'll try.

THE BAD!

Vera Farmiga!

Will this woman ever get it right!? She looks like she's melting into a giant pool of unfortunate fashion. None of it works. My biggest problem is that clunky belt. It's totally wrong for the dress and sitting about an inch and a half too high on her waist.

Jessica Lange!

I hate this. Hate is such a strong word. I really hate this. She looks like a Hirschfeld drawing went wrong on her breasts. The hair is an afterthought, too.

Amy Poehler!

Amy, you deserve better and so do we. I mean, seriously: furry hip embellishments? What in the name of Jean-Ralphio is happening here!?And the hair- don't even get me started. The cap sleeves and high neck are really the limit for me - I cannot stand idly by and watch this woman make herself look like this. She looks like she's in mourning and you know, maybe I am too.

Robin Wright!

There's really nothing like a fabric that mimics decorative rattan furniture. Why do I feel like she's trying to hypnotize me? Why would you do that, Robin? I have nothing to offer you.

Jon Hamm (seen here with Egg Jessica Westfeldt)!

Jon Hamm, I implore you for once and for all time: FIND A TUX THAT FITS. And not in white ever ever again because the horror.

Cat Deeley!

Cat Deeley is seen here in an ill-filling tribute to the marine life victims of the Gulf Coast oil spill. May the eternal light shine upon thee, oil coated ducks and sea life. RIP.

Julianna Margulies!

Another year, another floral bedsheet for Julianna. This one doesn't even try to pretend it's not a bed sheet! It's too long, it's not a great color on her, and look at that vast expanse of real estate without any jewelry on it. Julianna, you're killing me. (love your hair, tho.)

Julie Bowen!

Oh my dear god. This is just too much. Somehow this makes my head flit directly to Rococo, which for me is the prime example of "I bet that would be pretty is there was much less of it." I'll bet this started out as a beautiful, simple gown and then things just kept getting added - like the sleeves and the bottom and the corset detailing on the waist and then it just turned into this explosion of femininity that makes me want to barf. Thanks for making me want to barf, Julie.

Mindy Kaling!

Basically, I hate everything about this dress. I hate the color, I hate the fit, I hate the cutouts that I guess are supposed to look like a giant necklace but don't at all, I hate the hair, I really hate the blush her makeup artist used. Mindy, I really like you and much like Miss Amy, you deserve better. Please give a verbal lashing to whomever talked you into the dour and unflattering thing.

Lena Headey!

I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be worn with some kind of lining under it. I mean, I could be wrong... no, scratch that. I'm not wrong. It's a sheer dress with granny panties, nipples, and white heels. What are you, one of my barbies circa 1988? Let me be frank, my dear readers: the white heels are kind of the worst part of this for me. Nipples on the red carpet? Sometimes that happens. Granny panties under sheer skirts? Apparently that's super cool though I do not understand nor do I condone it. White heels with all black? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

La Klum!

The actual dress part is fairly standard for Heidi, but then there's the ... dickey. Is this the formal equivalent of people who wear short sleeve tshirts and a scarf? Or is La Klum just really, really into turtlenecks? I would love to know what Tim Gunn's first thought was when he saw this because I definitely had a moment of:

Claire Danes!

It's an evil color on her, it doesn't fit, she looks like she's about three seconds away from going tits ahoy, and she looks about 7 years older than she is. What is it with starlets choosing to wear dresses that just don't fit? I mean we saw it in pink on Gwyneth when she won the Oscar, we saw it on Jessica Chastain at this year's Golden Globes (remember? that awful baby blue thing?) and now here we are again, with Angela Chase bringing the pain. It hurts my feelings, you guys.

Zosia Mamet!

Maybe her boobs were sleeping and didn't want to be bothered by the light? Maybe she felt like the dress would fall down without a tank top panel to hold it up? I don't know. The only thing I have to say is this:  Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Emmy 2013: The Meh!

Oof, this is going to be a big one. Let's figure out what went wrong, shall we?

THE MEH

January Jones!

Drab, drab, drab. These curtains would be a tastefully girly touch in the home but as a dress they are dreadfully boring. I prefer this over the post-goth black swan look at the Met Ball, but not by much. CUAN, too.

Lena Dunham!

Straight talk: I love the bottom half of this dress. Unexpected color and pattern - very cool. But this dress just isn't right for her. Additionally, I hate her eye makeup with a passion.

Alyson Hannigan!

This really is the worst of the mermaid hair, you guys. To truly pull off the mermaid hair, there must be fullness. I've never been a fan of this silhouette, quite honestly. The only thing that saves this for me is how WONDERFUL she looks in this shade of purple.

Taylor Schilling!

Bright white is not her color. Also, I am deeply unsettled by the high middle slit trend. She can rock that neckline, though, which is also trending.

Leslie Mann!

My only problem is that the dress seems to fade away round about the thighs, much like Marty McFly's brother and sister. If the lining had only gone to the floor, I would have been in love with this dress. And George may have never punched Biff.

Padma Laksmi!

There's something very Diana Prince Goes To An Awards Show about this to me. I'm not sure if it's the gold cuff, the armor-like top of this thing, or the invisible jet. Also, can we just stop already with the midsection cutouts!? (Ugh, just wait till we get to Rose Byrne.)

Carla Gugino!

Midsection cutout camouflaged with football jersey mesh. NEXT.

Kristen Connolly!

Why is she wearing Ikea shower curtains? How could it possibly appear to be too tight and too big? I kind of dig the pattern but there is far too much of it. Great makeup, though.

Melissa Rauch!

So here's something fun: this dress is constructed with fabric to MIMIC mesh football jersey material. I don't know why. I also don't understand what is happening on the side there - is it a train? Is it just a bunch of mushed up fabric? Love the earrings - great color pairing.

Constance Zimmer!

Behold! The fanciest feather duster in all the land!

Cobie Smulders!

We can agree that Cobie Smulders is a made up name, right? Okay, cool. I am not quite understanding the whole "make my boobs look miniscule" bust trend we saw on Sunday night. I think this gown is absolutely gorgeous and then it's got this weird bust detail that immediately diverts my attention away from the dress and makes me sit and wonder for minutes on end whether her boobs really are that small or if it's an illusion. And I'd rather not be worrying about that when the bigger issue is clearly that extraneous train that has got to go. GOWN DESIGNERS OF THE WORLD: stop putting trains on dresses that do not need/want them. Also, Cobie - a necklace would go far with this look. I'm not asking for much, just a little ice on the clavicle.

Elisabeth Moss!

It just looks so heavy. Head is wonderful, though. Keep this makeup artist on speed dial, Bitty. (PS I decided that Elisabeth Moss and I are gal pals and I call her Bitty.)

Laura Dern!

Fussy wallpaper dress and puppydog ears hair. Ugh.

Jessica Pare!

My dear readers, get used to this hemline - it was ALL OVER the Oscar de la Renta show a couple of weeks back. Indeed this is an Oscar, and I have to I'm pretty sure this hemline was invented to keep the shoe designers happy. Not a great shoe choice for this gown - far too heavy and draws the eye down - ESPECIALLY when paired with the crazy bustline. Is it a bow? Is it simply the opposite of the teeny tiny bust thing? (Tangentially, what hath Jennifer Lawrence wrought!?) The color is simply outstanding on her, and though I'd like a necklace, I think maybe it would have been just one more thing going on with this look.

Sarah Silverman!

Raise the hem 3 inches and it's every white girl clomping through Old City on a Saturday night.

Margo Martindale!

She looks completely beautiful but I wish this was a gown. With the appearance of separates, it's only meh. The neckline and sleeves are so gorgeous and I love the color. But let's be real, Margo: that is some mom hair.

Malin Ackerman!

Snoooooooozefest.

Rose Byrne!

It's a pretty dress until you realize she's wearing a formal sports bra with a skirt from Gap circa 1996.

Sophia Vergara!

Classic Vergara. Deep V strappy top, hip swadling skirt that flares at the knees. The surprising addition here is what Reader Kate very appropriately termed "rainbow snowman earrings."

No thank you - gaudy, heavy, weird.. I said good day, sir!

Michelle Dockery!

See? There's that hemline again. I really want to like this you guys but I just can't quite get there. I don't know if it's the color combination or the fact that she looks like she's wearing an ornamental dance leotard... one of those.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

This is basically her uniform and it works just fine for her, but when the fit is not exactly perfect on a glittery column gown, it shows. CUAN.

Anna Faris!

MY EYES!!!!! MY EYES!!!!! You know, other than the color being absolutely and completely wrong for her, her skin tone, and her hair color -  I think she looks fantastic.

Anna Chlumsky!

So close! She looks super beautiful but.... It's a half a size too small, needs a necklace, and dear god does it ever need to lose those hip-a-rific panels on the side. As a woman with hips (and how) I will never understand the impulse to emphasize one's hips with embellishments.

Emily Deschanel!

Her hair and makeup are astoundingly beautiful and perfect. Her dress, however, was clearly a Helen Mirren reject. I went on a shopping trip this weekend with Reader Jackie and she made several comments about how aging lace can be. She was right.

Edie Falco!

Sportswear neckline and big front middle slit. I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

Emilia Clarke!

Dull, unflattering, and looks unfinished. Also, is her head really that much bigger than her body or is it a weird camera angle?

Kerry Washington!

Kerry Washington is perfect in every way. This dress, on the other hand, is trying far too hard to be romantic. This dress is the personification of the guy who texts you every day at the exact same time and has no idea that instead of wooing you he's actually annoying you. Give it a rest, dress!

Merritt Wever!

Oh, Merritt! I love you and your awesome acceptance speech ("I gotta go, bye"). This, though - ugh. It's so great in theory, but in execution it just looks like somebody hit you on your head and your torso was absorbed by your legs. Quite simply, you have been stumpified.

Jane Krakowski!

Ill-fitting, unflattering, and because of all of that it looks kind of cheap. Dude. You're usually on top of this. So disappointed.

Emmys 2013: The Good!

Oh heavens, dear readers, oh heavens. Did you see the Emmys last night? Did you see the whackadoodle mesh football jersey trend? OY. Between that and the mermaid hair, I was like "what is this I can't even" all over the place! Additionally, I was coming directly from a fantasy football league bbq, so it was a jarring gear switch. Overall, I was pleased to see a lot of bold color on the red carpet, but far less excited to see yet more sheer paneling and the aforementioned jersey mesh which makes no sense at me at all.

SIDEBAR: more than a decade ago, I was with my original bff waiting for her date to arrive at a bar. We agreed at that if he showed up wearing a mesh football jersey with nothing underneath, we would sneak out the back. Luckily, he showed up looking very nice and their 10 year wedding anniversary is in a couple of weeks. AW! Even with that lovely memory, I still cannot get behind mesh. You'll see. It's all in the Bad and the WTF (*cough* Kate Mara *cough*).

THE GOOD!

Allison Janney!

I absolutely could not love this color more on her. It's a dream! Her makeup is beautiful, the hair is nice even though I am SO DONE with the mermaid hair. I think everyone is a little too excited about The Little Mermaid coming out on BluRay.

Morena Baccarin!

Oh yes! This is wonderful red carpet maternity fashion. Lovely color, fabulously appropriate. CUAN*, but that's a quibble here.

Sarah Hyland!

I have no changes. Sarah Hyland continues to knock it out of the park.

Zooey Deschanel!

You guys! This is so refreshing! It's sophisticated and sexy in a non-twee way. Zooey! Look at you! So fabulous! And the ice blue is a perfect perfect perfect for you. (PS - never sit down in a limo again)

Tina Fey!

When I write the Way Too Shay book of how to be in life (but especially on the red carpet) there will be a whole chapter devoted to Tina Fey and how much difference a good stylist can make. Seriously, look:

This was only 3 years ago.

Kiernan Shipka!

Everything about this is perfect and no one can convince me otherwise.

Sarah Paulson!

You guys, I don't want to like this but I really cannot help myself. She carries the color beautifully, against all odds. I just wish it was half an inch shorter.

Jane Lynch!

Great suit, looked fabulous on camera, FANTASTIC necklace, and the styling is exactly right. Well done, Jane. You've been on a very fashionable streak for the past couple of years and I am so pleased.

Anna Gunn!

Okay, let's be real. I should not like this at all, and to be quite honest, the hair is giving me hives. But! I don't know, there's just something so fabulous and striking about this dress that I'm willing to overlook the curtain of poorly grown out bangs. The black lace over delicate pink makes me think she's got a really great secret to tell me later over a glass of wine, I don't know.

Allison Williams!

CUAN and CUADifferentHairdo, but seriously that dress is flawless. I swear she is the only Girl I can count on not to wear a sleep mask over her boobs or some sort of ill-thought-out duvet cover. So, well done!  Comparatively!

Mayim Bialik!

I know y'all probably don't agree but I love this. I tend to try to cut Blossom a break because she has some very specific red carpet challenges (mainly trying to find a non-matronly dress with sleeves poor girl), but I honestly liked this. The color is lovely on her and I can get behind a sheer overlay when it's used in this way. I like the embellishment at the elbows, though I would have skipped the shoulderpads.

Carrie Underwood!

Again with the side swept hair but, she wears it well and effortlessly. I love everything - color, cut, NECKLACE, makeup... absolutely beautiful. There is no problem to solve, Maria.

Kelly Osbourne!

You guys, I need this dress. I need it so badly. Please, Jenny Packham or any stylists who have access to this Jenny Packham gown, please send it directly to Philadelphia. But have it sent to my work because it'll get stolen off my stoop if you send it to my house. Thanks. Oh, PS, Kelly - your hair is starting to wash you out. Change up the color.

Ariel Winter!

She's back! And she looks great! Ariel, I'm so glad you stepped away from the sheer nude sleeves with glued on flowers. This is a much better, much more serious look. Love the color. Good job.

Linda Cardellini!

On one hand, she's wearing a giant vagina on her dress. On the other hand, she looks FANTASTIC. One one hand, she's got the mermaid hair... and a giant vagina on her dress. On the other hand, she was nominated for playing one of the world's frumpiest characters and had to remind everyone she is currently a vivacious, fabulous woman. At the end of the day, this is a stunning look, ladyparts or not.

Christina Hendricks!

High fives and snaps all around! Well done, lady! Also, I need this dress immediately on my body. Delicate and vampy and straight up drama - yes please!

Connie Britton!

True facts: it's a little early in the season for velvet and this dress may or may not remind me of my favorite chair which once belonged to my grandparents. But also true facts: this was my favorite gown of the night. The colors are GORGEOUS on her and I'll even forgive the fact that she didn't wear a necklace. I love this dress and love her in it.

*For those of you just joining us, hello! CUAN is shorthand for "could use a necklace." Learn it, live it.

Get ready!

My dear readers, Sunday is the Emmy Awards!!!

You remember the Emmy Awards, right? Last year featured such hits as Nicole Kidmans' Ice Phoenix Ode to the Vagina; Ashley Judd's ginormous hairdo; and Julianna Margulies once again wearing a floral slip cover!

Just to review, here's who we currently have on probation:

Kaley Cuoco
Debra Messing


If these two want to be taken off probation, they have to land solidly in the Good pile for the Emmys.

And veering dangerously close to being put on probation:

Amanda Seyfried
Julianne Moore


If those two land in the Bad pile or the WTF one more time, I'm going to have to ban them until they get themselves together. It's really for the sake of our collective mental health.



PS, I'm sorry I've been so MIA. It's Fringe time in Philly and things have been nutty. I'll be around more now. I missed you all! To prove it, here's an unflattering photo from like 6 or so years ago:

A letter to myself 10 years ago

My dear readers, I started thinking the other night that as of this Labor Day, I'll have lived in Philly for 10 years. So I wrote my younger self a letter. I'm sharing with you. Enjoy.

Dear Meghann,

You are about to start an amazing decade. I know that right now you are itchy to move out of South Jersey and start your life on your own, but don’t be too quick about it. You are so lucky that your parents had a place for you to stay after college and so, so lucky that they taught you about paying rent before it really mattered if it was on time. You owe them a lot, but you’ll figure that out in a few years.

It’s about to get crazy and fun. You’re about to learn how to use a gas stove  - which is going to seem dangerous and weird at first but I promise that soon you’ll never understand how people cook on electric stovetops. Oh! And in a couple of years, you’ll learn how to cook. You’ll get better at it, even if you do cook those sad little porkchops down to tiny bits of meat the first time you have Colin over for dinner.

There will be lots of work - too much work sometimes. But every time you think it’s the worst working situation of your life it’ll get a bit better. The theatre company you’re struggling to find a name for will be some of the hardest, most rewarding work of your life. One little thing: there will come a time when you’re staining a particleboard wall at midnight and you really hate everything about everything. You’re right to hate having to stain a wall that has already been put up, but look around because this is you and your best friends living your dream. Don’t be fooled into thinking that “living the dream” is actually fun - mostly it’s hard work with some exceptionally fun moments. Also, don’t be fooled into thinking you have new freckles on your face - those are just little splotches from the stain.

I know that right now you’re still reeling from that horrible heartbreak. Ten years from now you’ll be friends again and it won’t hurt anymore. You’re going to find a couple more people to love in the next ten years and you’ll learn so much. Don’t try to be so cool; you don’t pull it off that well anyway.

The thing you don’t know is how much Philadelphia will become a part of you and that living here will sometimes define you. It’s more than cheesesteaks and Eagles games. (Although I’m a little jealous on this side of the decade that you’re about to experience the Linc for the first time and that you’ll get to enjoy a few years of winning sports teams. Spoiler alert: pay attention to the Phillies in 2008. It’s going to be really fun except for those “saved by zero” commercials. Ugh, you’ll know what I mean.) No, the thing is this: inch by inch you are going to layer your life onto these blocks, those buses, that building. By the time you’re where I am, you’ll hardly be able to walk half a mile without having a million memories.

This corner here is all at once the theatre where you opened the first show you directed in Philly and the patch of sidewalk you stalked when your friend was so terrifyingly ill in the middle of a show and also where you waited for the bus after a second date with that jerkface journalist who liked your thighs (his only redeeming quality - don’t worry, you won’t have to deal with him for long).

This building is where you’ll spend months and months and days and nights in rehearsal or building sets. You’ll cry in there a lot, sometimes out of frustration with an actor, sometimes out of sympathy for a friend who is losing her father, sometimes out of sheer exhaustion because you just got through 13 hours of tech and now you have to stay late and paint the set. But in this building you will also form some amazing friendships, have glorious moments of beautiful work, laugh and laugh and laugh when that girl walks through the damn daisies (just wait - it’s so good), and perform (oh right, forgot to tell you - you’ll end up performing again, mostly naked - don’t think about it too much).

Over here, on this commercial corner, you’ll feel the greatest stress and the greatest elation of your life - you’ll see that soon. You’ll live through it and it will make all the difference.

It’s sort of like this extensive modge podge project that you just can't seem to finish. Things get layered over each other but exist harmoniously; never one experience trying to edge another out, rather all of the experiences building up until you sit where I am on the other side of Broad and realize that moving to South Philly was the best decision you ever made.

A few things to keep in mind:

*There is no such thing here as never seeing someone again so be gracious and kind to absolutely everyone.

* Eat at good restaurants. We have a lot of them and they deserve your time and money. I am so excited for you to experience such amazing food in the next ten years!

* It’ll be a lot easier for people to get the spelling of your name right if you go with Meg instead of Meghann.

* Cynicism is a trap and doesn’t do you any good.

* Sometimes it doesn’t matter if the play is good or bad as long as the experience of putting it together was great. You don’t have to try so hard to show your work.

*Finally, be extremely present and engaged when spending time with people, especially Aunt Dixie, Uncle Warren, Single Guy and Jackie Kay and Mel (you'll meet those girls later - you’ll adore them).

Welcome to Philadelphia!. You're going to love living here.

Love,

Meg