Golden Globes 2013: The Bad!

Are you ready? I sure am. Let's do this.

The Bad

Marion Cotillard!

There is no sense of occasion to this at all. There is only dayjob hair, an orange sheet, and mismatched shoes. Get it together, Pilaf*!

*for those of you just joining us here at Way Too Shay, one of my favorite moments of all red carpets was when Ryan Seacrest congratulated Mme. Cotillard on her Oscar nomination for La Vie En Rose playing Edith Pilaf. I am not kidding.

Zosia Mamet!

The phrase, "What is this I don't even" was invented for this look. Amish hair, undermade face, and does that dress have leather paneling? Really? It's a damn shame because the shape of the dress is pretty great on her, but the whole thing together just makes her look like her mother made her do the school play and she hates her for it.

La Klum!

Only one side of Heidi Klum's body is modest. The other side is GOING TO VEGAS!

Kristen Bell!

Kristen Bell had the opportunity to be the most adorable pregnant starlet ever to hit the red carpet. Instead she passed Go, did not collect $200, and went straight to Miss Havisham. I can't look at this dress anymore; it makes me feel like I can't breathe.

Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough!

GAH! His tux is FAR too tight (also I hate hate hate a grey tux) and her... okay, let's start at the beginning. Darling, you're not supposed to wear ballroom makeup into the outside world. It's too scary. And while I like the top of this dress, the bottom reminds me heavily of that scene in the original Freaky Friday where the washing machine overflows and there are suds everywhere.

UPDATE: Reader Katya just told me this. Oh dear god.

Sarah Paulson!

Hey Sarah, why the long... my god, why the long EVERYTHING!?

Amanda Seyfried!

Boring, bland, unflattering curtains are never the way to go on the red carpet. Also, Amanda, I saw Les Miz last weekend; I wouldn't look so smug.

Halle Berry!

I sincerely never ever thought I would say this but Halle Berry looks tacky as hell. The 1993 hairdo, the "hold my earrings" hoops, the tarzan top plus high slit PLUS hip cutout... it's just depressing. Halle, you are one of the most beautiful women this world has ever seen. You don't have to try to look hot. So please stop trying. You're ruining it.

Glenn Close!

Not the right silhouette for her at all! What is the deal (I'm Jerry Seinfeld right now) with making mermaid gowns out of heavy fabrics this year? And a bolero jacket? And fried hair? Oh Glenn. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn.

Jessica Alba!

When I get dressed up, I usually leave my Elmo toys at home. Whatever floats your boat, Princess Peach. Love the necklace, though.

Sarah Hyland!

Nooooooooooo. This dress is far to mature for her. The hair looks like something out of a shampoo commercial and the boobage is making itself known. You look like a Bratz doll. Go home and change, young lady.

Jessica Chastain!

Don't you hate it when the designers on Project Runway run out of time and have to send unfinished dresses onto the runway? Yeesh, girl. You have never been a red carpet favorite of mine, but I thought we were doing better. This is a huge backslide.

Eva Longoria!

This dress - if, indeed, we can call it a dress- makes her look even shorter than she is. I also don't understand the Italian widow hair. But, you know, thank god this has long sleeves. Otherwise it would be really slutty.

Helen Hunt!

I love that Helen Hunt is back in our lives. I just wish everything was different about this. The dress looks like an inexpertly trimmed flocked Christmas tree, the hair looks like she just got back from coffee with her bestie, and I cannot detect a trace of makeup. Oh Helen. Is this...as good as it gets? (NAILED IT.)

Kathryn Bigelow!

Oh girl. Oh no. No no no.

Kaley Cuoco!

Shhh, shh, everything's going to be okay, Kaley. Just tell us who did this to you. Come on, you can tell us. Tell us so we can get them for this.

Anne Hathaway!

 Well her head looks perfect. I looooooove her hair this way and her makeup is a dream. But this dress. UGH. It's shapeless, unflattering, and under-accessorized. This filled me with such rage, you guys! I hope that she's doing this so that when she busts out the capital-g Gown for the Oscars (which she will definitely win because wow) we are all surprised and it's an instant "Best Dressed" on Fashion Police. Or maybe she thinks this looks good and I'm going to have to chug Maalox during the Oscars.

Kate Hudson!

I love McQueen on the runway but I happen to not love McQueen on the red carpet. There. I said it. There is far too much happening around her head and all of it is gold. It's overwhelming.

Rosario Dawson!

Oh dear god. This is an egregious error. The color is lovely on her, absolutely. But the cutout cap sleeves? The hip ruffles? The column skirt? It's all a disaster. Mostly, though, I wonder what her breasts ever did to wind up in jail like this. Let your ladies go, Rosario! They mean no harm! You are suffocating them!

Katharine McPhee!

Nothing quite says "pay attention to me" like a slutty bathrobe, huh? Also, can we talk about the shoes? What, pray tell, is the purpose of the invisible strap across the toes? Is it a fake out? Like, "How can she walk in those shoes!? She will fall! Oh no wait, invisible strap." Or is it something so fashion forward I can't even imagine it? Probably the latter.

Kerry Washington!

I can think of nothing kind to say about this. No, that's not true! I could say that at least this wasn't the worst sheer dress with applique embellishment of the evening.

Jennifer Lopez!

THIS is the worst sheer dress with applique embellishment of the evening. Possibly of all time. On one hand, she looks like a Sexy Snowflake. On the other hand, this is some classic JLo, right? I kind of love her for being so ridiculous that she constantly shows up in outfits that just make my brain explode. Oh JLo, never change.

Sienna Miller!

And now I give you Sienna Miller in a dress by Ikea Children's Department. She put it together herself! It's a little wonky, but whatever, it'll be fine until she can get a REAL dress.

Debra Messing!

Chicks and geese and ducks better scurry
When I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top.

The wheels are yeller', the upholstery's brown
The dashboard's genuine leather
With Debra Messing's dress curtains we can roll right down
In case there's a change in the weather!

DEBRA. What did I tell you able wearing black and dressing like you are part of the Old West? I cannot take this anymore! I will not abide!

From now on, Debra Messing will no longer be featured in red carpet roundups until she has proven that she can wear something that looks good on her.

Golden Globes 2013: The Meh!

Welcome back, fashion fans! It's the dreary, dreaded MEH today... where we look at the stars and say, "Why are you all wearing beige!?" You know what? Let's get all the neutrals out of the way first.

The Meh

Hayden Panattiere!

Girlfriend gets the top slot because she is SO CLOSE. But this is what the Go Fug Yourself girls would call a "scrolldown fug." Pretty hair, nice makeup, a strapless dress WITH A NECKLACE, and then you get to the fishtail and it's all sorts of a mess. Also, I'm going to need the Cheerleader to not be so proud of that hideous bag. Close but no cigar, Hayden.

Megan Fox!

Why so glum? Is it that you no longer look like yourself? Or is it just that you're wearing a nightgown retrofitted into a strapless dress? Cheer up, it could be worse: you could actually be culturally relevant and people would care what you wear.

Amy Adams!

Shelby came to her in a dream and said, "Blush. Or bashful. But probably blush." Oh, Amy. This could have been lovely in a different color and ... well, and if it actually fit you. The squirrel tail on the side of her head isn't helping matters.

Isla Fisher!

I've always found oyster to be a difficult color for redheads. I like the beading but the illusion netting is doing her no favors, especially since it's a skosh too long.

Carla Gugino!

If this dress could give a monologue, it would say, "I am well fitted but too long! I want you to think that maybe you'll see the left boob through the sheer fabric - but not the right boob! Also please pay attention to my ladybits!" I feel like maybe this dress is intended for someone taller?

Connie Britton!

Excellent attempt! This is not a good color and it does not fit well at all. Connie, please, I beg you: royal purple.

Emily Blunt (seen here with John Krasinski)!

A) I hate her hair this color. B) I hate her wearing this color. C) Friends don't let friends wear dresses with lovehandle cutouts.

Jodie Foster!

First of all, let's take a moment to applaud the woman in the background wearing sandals and an enormous cape. Well done, lady! Now onto Jodie. Everything about this is just a touch too severe. The hair is severe, the beaded straps and gown are too severe, the bag is too severe. I love the color-  girlfriend looks fabulous in navy and knows it. But really, I need to address something else. Jodie. Friend, darling. You don't admit to being terribly lonely! You just cry yourself to sleep at night like the rest of the planet. Get it together!

Lena Dunham!

I can HEAR YOU yelling at your computer. Give me a chance to explain! First of all, I love her hair this length and I think her makeup looked awesome.I love the color of the dress and the bottom. But. The top is just a mess. It's far too wide for her frame and it's just completely over-constructed. BUT LET US PLEASE REMEMBER that I grade on a curve and this is far, far better than she has done in recent memory.

Jessica Westfeldt (seen here with Jon Hamm because that should always happen)!

The construction on this dress makes her look like she came in four pieces and Jon Hamm assembled her before leaving the house. The lower half is lovely, the torso seems constricted, the chest is wide, and the head is a little big for her body. Hamm's suit is fitted gorgeously, but I prefer him with a beard so I take points off for being clean shaven.

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler! 

He looks sloppy. Now, when The Cloon looks sloppy he still looks better than 90% of the population, but look at the hem on those pants, the fit in the waist, the unbuttoned jacket on the red carpet - FOR SHAME. And we can all agree that it is shocking to still see Stacy on his arm, right? I thought she'd be sent away to the Beard Farm by now. The dress is very pretty, if a little boring and ill-fitting. It's far too tight in the top. I haaaaaaate the styling on this. The hair is a disaster, her makeup underdone, not enough jewelry, and an ugly bag. My dear readers, sometimes the styling can ruin the look.

Megan Hilty!

The color looks great on her, but the dress is boring and standard. Her makeup looks like she gave up halfway through and do not get me started on her hair. Boring!

Sophia Vergara!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Tell me something I don't know, Vergara.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

I am pretty sure that somewhere in an attic there is a portrait of Julia Louis-Dreyfus that gets a little bit older each day. Also, I really like this dress but wish it wasn't brown. I also wish she was wearing a necklace and didn't go with the middle part for her hair.

Allison Williams!

Her makeup is FANTASTIC. And I think the shape of the dress is good for her but it's the wrong fabric - it's too heavy, so it makes it look like shoddy construction. Girl, you are so close.

Emily Deschanel!

Speaking of "so close"... If the shoulders were a little bit less Formal Toreador and the hair was a little less I Came Straight From the Gym Can You Tell, this would have been in The Good.

Taylor Swift!

The dress is really pretty and I like this purple-y/brown on her, but the shape seems heavy and wrong. But! Taylor! Please keep doing things like this and do not go back to virginal princess dress up day! This is better! (PS, I hate that green dress in the background. Love handle cutouts and it doesn't even fit well. Ew.)

Kristen Wiig!

Let me be clear: I am jealous that she has a body that enables her to consider wearing dresses with the belly cut out. Let me be further clear: Just because one can does not mean one should wear said dresses. Her hair is kind of a disaster. However! This is improvement and I want to encourage her to keep going in an elegant direction. But... is that the same bag Megan Fox was carrying? Do not go in the Megan Fox direction, Kristen! You are better than that!

Julie Bowen!

Here's what works: the color, her hair, the jewelry. We shall speak no more on this.

Juliana Margulies!

Cool dress. I kind of wish Taylor Swift had worn it. As for what is going on with her head, maybe she was at the gym with Emily Deschanel?

Julianne Moore!

                     

 

We grade on a curve here, right? Okay, so taking into account the Fuschia Sleeve of Doom, she looks pretty great. But objectively, this is dress is pretty whack. It cuts her right in half, making her look short, and the  capelet  in the back is just plain old confusing. Let's not even address the shoes. Her makeup is gorgeous and facing front her hair looks great. A solid Meh!

Golden Globes 2013: The Good!

My dear readers, we have once again made it to awards season! It is truly the most wonderful time of the year. I'll remind you that I wiped the slate clean and we begin with no probationary measures. By the end of the week, that will no longer be the case. Place your bets now! I'll give you a hint: she's gone from dressing as a widowed saloon girl to wearing the draping found inside a stagecoach. OY.

Before we get to The Good, I need to tell you that I felt compelled to add another category: The WTF. We will be rolling out The Good today, The Meh tomorrow, The Bad on Wednesday and The WTF at the end of the week. Also, as usual, I expect none of you to agree with me on any of this... that's okay! Just be nice.

But first, let's pay tribute to a woman who defies category: the one, the only HBC!

Lots of lace? Check. Petticoat junction skirt? Check. Platform heels? Check. Messy updo? Check. Giant lips? WHY YES OF COURSE. HBC, I love you. Please never change.


THE GOOD!

Michelle Dockery!

Bam! Starting strong with a rise from the ashes. It's really amazing, considering how very much I hated her dress last year, how much I love this look. It's elegant, unexpected, and she looks gorgeous. Most Improved Player.

Adele!

Sure it's a little 60s chanteuse costume-y, but she looks fantastic. I love the detail on the neckline - really gorgeous.

Naomi Watts (seen here with Liev Schreiber)!

I'm not saying Liev doesn't look good, but the jacket may be a skosh too small. Naomi Watts, on the other hand, is classic Hollywood vamp glamour. What a gorgeous color and unexpected silhouette for her.

Sally Field!

My god, she looks great. This navy is a dream on her! The cut is at once sexy and elegant, the necklace is divine, and she looks just so pretty.

Zooey Deschanel!

She never should have sat down in the limo, but other than the wrinkly taffeta issues, I thought she looked very beautiful and appropriate. Come on. Of course I like this - it's a classic Oscar de la Renta. You guys know it's impossible for me to resist an Oscar in this shape.

Salma Hayek!

Though it does stumpify her a bit, she looks drop dead gorgeous. Maybe a necklace could have worked...but something delicate. Annie D, if you are looking at this and having a heart attack, I just want you to know that when she was standing straight, the hem didn't pool at all.

Claire Danes!

While I did receive a number of text messages last night describing Angela Chase's face as "coke whore," I have only this to say: Claire Danes had a baby on December 15. That is ten minutes ago. She looks fabulous, if a bit overmade on the makeup.

Ariel Winter!

Bless. She always dresses appropriately for her age and likes the sparkly shoes. I'm not sold on the accessories but she looks adorable.

Jennifer Garner!

Could it have used a necklace? Sure. Do I love this dress anyway and think she's looks dynamite? Yes. Do I sometimes pretend that Jen Garner is my friend and we have long gab sessions on the phone once a week? Absolutely. During those imaginary gab sessions do I enjoy it when she complains about Ben Affleck? You betcha. Am I going to turn 33 this year and still fantasize about being friends with celebrities?

Helen Mirren!

Don't worry guys, Helen Mirren is still perfect in every way.

Nicole Kidman!

This was a tough call for me, I'm not going to lie. Honestly, if the middle interest wasn't there I'd probably call this a snoozefest. On the other hand, I feel like this dress may be an ode to either hanging baskets or underboob. I eventually decided that Ol' Frozenface looks fierce and amazing and we should just give credit where it is due. To her underboob.

Daniel Day Lewis and Rebecca Miller!

WOW. In addition to the fact that DDL has suddenly morphed into David Byrne (which, you know, le rowr!), these two really stepped it up this year. If you think they are not dressed well enough to make it into The Good, just remember that A) I grade on a curve, and B)

So.... yeah.

Lucy Liu!

Y'all can hate but I think this is gorgeous, expertly fitted, and a showstopper of a dress. But to be sure, it is a divisive dress - just look at the face the girl behind her is making.

Amy Poehler and Tina Fey!

Pre-show!

Love. The menswear was sexy, well-tailored, and I love the shoes and necklace for a sense of occasion.

So pretty. Maybe a bit of an awkward length, but it fits her like a dream Could have used a necklace. And let's be real: her hair and makeup have never looked better. I wondered, actually, whether that was a wig or if she has always known her hair could do this but was saving it for the right moment.

DURING THE SHOW:

Amy looked great - she clearly had some industrial strength boob tape happening and wanted to make the most of it. Tina Fey in this dress, with that hair, that makeup, those accessories...there are no words. She has never looked better. I gasped.

Tina puts the original dress on and gets a pretty updo. Amy turns the dial to SexPot O'Clock.

Well done, ladies. Not only did you look great, you hosted one of the most fun Golden Globes in recent memory. You are the toast of Hollywood today -  I hope your kids let you sleep in!

Get excited!

The Golden Globes are on this Sunday! If you are not excited, then you must not be remembering what happened last year.  Here's a quick refresher:

oof.

Going into the Golden Globes we don't have anyone on probation. I'm sure that will not be the case by the time we reach the Oscars. Enjoy, you guys!