Oscars 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

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THE MEH

Ava DuVernay!

This was so so so close to the Good pile. The construction is a dream and I love the top half of it - yes, even with that mock turtleneck. Actually I think I want a stronger choice on sleeve length but that's my only tweak to the top. I would like to see this without the middle two bands of lace on the skirt - I think it frumpifies the dress and there is no universe in which Ava DuVernay is frumpy. I love this color on her and I love her head. 

John Legend!

Another one that was super close. I just really dislike this bow size and shape on him. He's a petite dude and it's too big.

Emma Stone!

It's customary for the expected Best Leading Actress winner to come dressed as the statue, so I have no real qualms about the color. I love the design of the top but I'm not sure it actually goes with the bottom fringe tiers. Most of all I would like to shorten the length of the straps by a quarter of an inch so top would fit more snugly on her chest.  

Kate McKinnon!

If you had asked me before the red carpet what Kate McKinnon would wear I would have guessed something from the Jennifer Aniston House of Boring Black Dresses. I would have been right. Fits great, looks great, zzzzz.

Terrence Howard (seen here with Mira Pak)!

I am 1000% into the Hugh Hefner vibe Terrence Howard is working here with that beautiful sashed and cuffed coat. I just wish he had paid the same attention to his hem length.

Busy Philipps!

I like this dress but it's not terribly flattering. I think the fit is slightly off and that's making it seem like it's sinking. Also the hair is all wrong - this dress needs some big hair.

Jackie Chan!

I would like to watch a show chronicling the adventures of Jackie Chan and his pandas. I am open to the pandas being the real ones he raised or the toy ones seen here. Everything about this is wonderful except that his pants are too long. 

Ginnifer Goodwin!

I was so impressed that she was able to get herself together to do the Oscars right after Bill Paxton's death. I am not impressed that she's wearing a less successful version of Ruth Negga's dress.

Ruth Negga!

She look amazing but the makeup and hair piece tip it too far into Lydia Deetz territory for me not see it every time. 

Chris Evans!

That's not your tux, Cap. 

Michelle Williams!

Snooooooooooooooooooooooozefest.

Scarlett Johansson!

I love her hair. The rest of it? Meh. I mean, it's fine, but I think it would be more beautiful if there was more fullness at the bottom of the skirt to really go all in on the shape.

Halle Berry!

I love this dress, except for the bottom of it, which looks like it got caught in a disco paper shredder. Actually, the longer I look at this dress the more it looks like the decorations for a prom. I super love her hair but (you cannot see this here) it's a little flat in the back and that made me sad. 

Kenneth Lonergan (seen here with J. Smith Cameron)!

I am still excited about playwrights winning Oscars! This outfit, though.... Oh Kenny. The whole tux is too big and the whole tie is too small. I would like him to switch ties with John Legend. I think maybe a playwright can get away with that dumb floppy tie. Maybe not, but I'd like to see him try.

Charlize Theron!

Wrong color and too big. Charlize, we expect better from you!

Javier Bardem!

It's the Oscars, Javier, not your niece's wedding. Sport it up a bit.

Barry Jenkins!

There was some controversy about John Cho's pant length the other day, so I'd like to take this opportunity to address it. I assumed that John Cho's pants were an appropriate length when his hands were not shoved in his pockets. I was unable to find a photo of John Cho from the Oscars without his hands in his pockets and therefore am not able to confirm the actual length of said pants so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and put him in the Good. Barry's hands are nowhere near his pockets and I can confirm that his pant length is about a quarter inch short of where I would ideally like to see it. Also what the hell is going on with that collar and that tie?  (And because I know Reader Chou may ask: Terrell Alvin McCraney seemed to me to be making A Choice with his pant leg as opposed to A Mistake.) 

Salma Hayek!

Merry widow formalwear.

Cynthia Erivo!

Dramatic and incredible! Instead of "could use a necklace" I'm going with "could use an extra inch of fabric up top because I am terrified that she's about to go tits ahoy."