Monday, March 6, 2017

Oscars 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

Get yourself a snack, it's time for some truly gasp-worthy fashion. Not a good gasp, but a gasp all the same.


Naomie Harris!
Ooof. When I first saw Naomie on the red carpet, I was ready to give this look a chance but with each inch of dress I saw, the chances I was willing to give it evaporated. My best guess is that the designer was going for a beach wedding theme? I am not sure how they got sequins to look so much like PVC and I definitely don't mean that as a compliment. The idea of the shoes is cool except that they are hideous. And on top of all this it really could use a necklace. Oh Miss Moneypenny, I want so much more for you. 

Damien Chazelle (seen here with Olivia Hamilton)!
This would be one of the less successful blue tuxes. I cannot stand the white tie on this, especially with the black lapel detail. It fits nicely but this tux is wearing him. 

Emma Roberts!
I do not understand why this was ever resurrected from the pile of ugly vintage dresses in which it was residing. It's not flattering and the tiered skirt makes it look like she grew six inches between fittings and the designer had to make do. 

Felicity Jones!
This is a bit on-on-the-nose ballerina couture for me and the color is terrible on her. Worst of all is the fit - it's swimming on her torso and slightly too long to achieve the tea-length look she's going for. 

Priyanka Chopra!
She looks like she's standing behind a cardboard cutout of a quilt.

Nicole Kidman!
On the Kidman scale this is actually not that bad. Unfortunately, it is also not that good. This non-color makes her looks naked but covered in mandalas. Also can we just talk about the clapping? 

When I'm waiting for my nails to dry I basically look like that for two hours with every task I attempt but I do not at all believe she is waiting for her nails to dry. I think... she might... actually think that's how a person claps?

Denzel Washington (seen here with Pauletta)!
Will someone please get Denzel a suit that fits!? 

Matt Damon (seen here with Luciana Barroso)!
Ditto for Damon. Matt, get in the car. You, me, and Denzel are going to Klein Epstein & Parker. On the way we're going to talk about tie-to-head size ratios and not standing on your wife's dress.

Alicia Vikander!
How nice of her to join us straight from spin class. She looks like a cocktail waitress at the Diamond Horseshoe Review.

Octavia Spencer!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no. - Part I: the Frumpinator

Hailee Steinfeld!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no. - Part II: See-Through Fashion Stegosaurus.

Don't believe me?
Late Jurassic couture.

Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson (seen here with Lauren Hashian)!
 Least favorite tux of the night (and we haven't even address Gosling yet). For me it's a deadly combination of fabric and design - that black piping is just not working at all. It's hard when you love someone as much as I love The Rock and have to sit idly by while they wear bad clothes.

Jessica Biel!
I cannot put it any better than Reader Katya who said this looks like a gold birch tree. Someone needs to tell this girl to stop wearing her hair with a center part and DEFINITELY stop wearing jewelry that dabbles in cultural appropriation. You know, I wondered if this outfit could be saved by adding a little Justin to it...

It cannot.

Leslie Mann!
Oh my god y'all I hate this dress so much. I hate this color, I hate the tit bow, I hate the wrinkled duvet-ness of it, and I especially hate the understated jewelry. Ugh, I can't look at this any more. Moving on.

Dakota Johnson!
If I hated Leslie Mann's tit bow, I'm sure you can imagine how I feel about Dakota Johnson's enormous pelvis bow. This is clearly a 1970s nightgown gone horribly wrong. I don't have any feelings for Dakota Johnson one way or another but I do feel badly that someone likely stood in front of her and said she looked amazing. The person is not your friend, Dakota! 

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