It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Confession: I almost decided not to do a roundup of this year's most ridiculous Sexy ___ halloween costumes for women. I have been doing this for years (first on ye olde LiveJournal and then here at WTS) and I couldn't imagine that there would be anything better than what we've already seen. Sexy Big Bird? Been there. Sexy Carebears? Done that. Sexy Hulk Hogan? Blogged that, Brother!

But then... oh, but then I started looking around just for funsies. And I got a bunch of emails and links from friends who know I live for this stuff. The truth is, I cannot resist! Before we get to the roundup, check out what reader Sabiha sent my way: Fuck No Sexist Halloween Costumes. This is totally amazing and will make you mad for minutes on end! And now, without further ado.... this year's most ridiculous Sexy ____ Halloween Costumes! (Note: vaguely NSFW)

Sexy Octopus!

At first blush, this seems fairly tame, as far as Sexy ___ costumes go. But take a closer look just how high up the netting between the tentacles goes. I hope you scheduled a sexy brazilian wax before Halloween! Also, just THINK of all the clever Octopussy jokes that can be made to your face!

Sexy Bunch of Grapes!

True story: I was a bunch of grapes for Halloween in first grade and I looooooved that costume. Also, true story: I remember that costume very fondly because I was wearing it when my mom told me my Aunt Anne had given birth to her first child and I was SO HAPPY. Happy birthday, Sarah! Here are some Sexy Grapes for you!

Oh, but say you want to go to a party with your friend as a team costume? Why not...

Sexy Bert and Ernie!

What better way to destroy childhood innocence than through crop tops and tiny, tiny overalls? Just think: if these girls makeout it'll be like Bert and Ernie, nighttime bedroom edition! (Memo to Bert and Ernie: you are not fooling ANYONE with your separate twin beds. Puh-lease.)

Not feeling the Sesame Street vibe? Then, why not...

Sexy Mario and Luigi!

Note: the moustache is on a necklace. Koopa troopers not included.

Mario Brothers not your vibe? Looking for something a little more epic?

Sexy Link!

It's dangerous to go alone. Take this...boner.

Okay, maybe video games are a little too specific. How about something more universal?

Sexy Gnome!

Get ready for jokes about your garden! Added bonus: next year you can ditch the hat, add two beer mugs and boom! St. Pauli Girl!

Sexy Clown!

Perfect for when you want to scare the bejezus out of potential sexual partners! Pennywise? More like Pussywise! (See what I did there?)

Want something a bit more psychologically terrifying?

Sexy Alex DeLarge!

Without the eye makeup it's a half step away from Sally Bowles. Even so, I think this costume can get you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence. Or something. Sheesh.


Sexy Rooster!

OH C'MON! Coocoo-ka-CHA!

Moving on...

Sexy Michael Jackson!

TOO SOON!


YES, STILL!

Sexy Waldo!

Are we really sexualizing Where's Waldo now? Is that what it's come to? If Where's Waldo is sexy, it's like anything could be sexy. Jeez, what's next? Sexy Beetlejuice?

Sexy Beetlejuice!

Somewhere in England, Tim Burton is laughing and counting his money. In that same place, I'll bet it's safe to say that HBC has refused to wear this getup at least three times. Stay strong, HBC!

Okay, my dear readers. I need you to prepare yourself for what is about to happen. It's pretty upsetting, honestly, and also unbelievably funny.


Are you ready?









I really don't think you are ready.







Last chance to turn back.








Okay. Brace yourselves....




Sexy Baby!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAHAHAHAHA NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Just for a moment, imagine you are at a Halloween party tonight and THIS walks in. Just think about what your face would do if this walked into a party you were attending.  I'm pretty sure I'd look like this:

And I would never recover.


Finally, as a palate cleanser, I offer you...

Sexy Bacon!

Happy Halloween, you pieces of meat!

MONSTER

Apologies for the hiatus, my dear readers. I had the good fortune to go to Chicago with my dear girl Mix for a milestone birthday celebration and then just sort of got swallowed up by work. While we were in Chicago we ate alllllllllll the brunches, ate a lot of pizza, and beered all the beers. I'll tell you a few good food and drink stories tomorrow (Goose Island, Girl and the Goat, and the bar where 13 year old boys are in heaven).

But today I need to tell you that I believe I may have created a monster.

Tonight the Philadelphia theatre community will celebrate last season's achievements and accomplishments and a couple of awards worth thousands of dollars (seriously) will be given. In past years, this was a huge awards ceremony and everyone dressed to the nines, causing some to call it Theatre Prom. This year some changes have been made and it's a truncated sort of celebration, though still just as lovely (we are promised). But here's the thing: dress code was said to be... business casual.

Anyway, I'm not doing that. I wear business casual every day and I will be damned if I wear work clothes to Theatre Prom. This decision means a couple of things to my life:

1. I had nightmares all night that no one else dressed up and I looked stupid.

2. I have necklace anxiety.

The first issue is easily resolved. I clearly remember going to a birthday party when I was in high school where I was way, way overdressed and felt kind of dumb but just went with it and pretended I didn't care even though I was willing myself to die of shame. AS IT TURNS OUT, I did not die of embarrassment that night. I therefore deduce that I will probably not die of embarrassment at any point in my life, so I may as well look fly. 

The second issue is the monster I have created. Every single person (mostly women, admittedly) I've spoken with about this event has said something about me wearing a necklace. Every. Single. Person.

Now. Let's be clear: I am so glad that people read this silly little blog! I am glad you have taken up the CUAN rally cry! Thank you! This feels good! However. I am now crippled by necklace anxiety to the point of having nightmares about it. I am serious, it's that sad.

The good news is, this is a dress that leaves a lot of real estate open for necklace-wearing. The bad news is I have no idea which necklace to wear, so I borrowed jewelry and I'm going to have a consultant (friend drinking wine in my room with me) help me decide.

So, my dear readers, if you too are going to Theatre Prom tonight, I promise you that I will be wearing a necklace. You tell me if it's the right one. I'd hate to let you down.

Puppies and Nina and Collars and Lena

My dear readers! I survived the 10 year college reunion, albeit barely! Let's just say there was a lot of free beer and a lot of people I hadn't seen in a decade and it was overwhelming... in a good way! The 20 minutes no one could find me? I had locked myself in a bathroom and was working on the play I'm directing, just to have a little brain break.

As a little brain break for y'all on this Friday afternoon, let me shower you with things I have been thinking about lately, or have been sent to me.

First of all - wtf how is it Friday? I have been a day behind all week. AND I just realized that I have Monday off, which is awesome because that means that I have NOTHING planned during the day because I thought I'd be working. Reader Sara sent me a photo of the cutest little dog ever and this is how I feel right now.

I will take the dog AND the coffee, please.

Another thing we need to talk about is Academic Nina Garcia, my new favorite tumblr. Thank you so much to Reader Jeff (aka TES) for alerting me to the beauty and hilarity that is this site. It's a good reminder that the most basic advice is applicable in all areas of life: DON'T BORE NINA.

And then Reader Elle alerted me to the, ahem, detachable decorative collars that are "all over New York right now," according to Ms. Elle. Let's talk about this because the sparklefarkle Peter Pan collar phenomenon is one that apparently some people think I would like because it is worn around the neck. NOT SO FAST. I'm sure there are women who can pull this look off beautifully, but someone please tell me the difference between this:

and this:

Friends don't let friends wear 2012-era dickeys. Or if they do, they point said friends to the ones that are on sale. Have a little self respect and at least get the gold sequined one.

Last but not least, let's have a talk about Lena Dunham. I love Girls; I think it's stupid good. This is actually surprising because I don't tend to enjoy entertainment that is based off uncomfortable situations and characters who are sometimes really not good people. I'm willing to say it outloud: Bridesmaids was difficult for me. I just felt so awkward and upset the whole time. How is Kristen Wiig's character supposed to pay for all that stuff?! I was really worried!

Anyway, back to Girls and Lena. I don't have too much bad to say about the girl. She's a genius writer, I love her haircut, and I am really jealous of how much she has accomplished at such a young age but...

WEAR SOME GODDAMN PANTS!

DON'T BORE NINA.