Thursday, June 14, 2012

Tony Awards Fashion Rundown!

My dear readers... it is time.


Bernadette Peters!
Blammo! Bucketmouth shows us How It Is Done. I adore this color on her and the shape of this is simply showstopping. My only quibble is that I desire a necklace. Nothing much, just some ice on the clavicle.

Ricky Martin!
Perfect hem, beautiful fit, excellent bowtie. In short, he bangs. (Oh yes I did!)

Lilla Crawford!
Hello, you are adorable and perfect!

Jayne Houdyshell!
Yes. Regal and sophisticated with a kickass necklace. I love you, Jayne Houdyshell, even though I feel that your name contains far too many Ys.

Ellen Barkin!
Truth: I am prejudiced for La Barkin because a couple of people over the years have said I look like her. Lucky me! This dress is super cool and unexpected - very swanky. I want her to go back to the honey blonde, though, because this bright blonde just washes her out.

Cynthia Nixon!
Girlfriend BROUGHT IT. I mean, seriously, it has been brought!

Celia Keenan-Bolger!
I'm not sure about this whole using your hair as a necklace thing, but whatever. I love this dress. If I saw this dress in a store I would gladly max out my credit card to buy it and then I would wear it everywhere - parties, grocery store, brunch - the possibilities are endless.

Cote de Pablo!
I love this dress too! It fits her perfectly and is exactly the right length. I wish she had dressed it up with some serious accessories, but I'll let it slide because oh man, I really love this.

Judith Light!
Showing everyone who's boss since 1984. Also, dear readers, THAT is a necklace. That's what I'm talking about.

Da'Vine Joy Randolph!
 Love the color, love the draping - work. it.

Christin Milioti!
This color! So difficult to wear well but she just makes it look easy! I love how effortless this looks, even if she does sort of appear permanently surprised. Ah, the curse of big, beautiful eyes.

Stockard Channing!
We're grading on a curve. I'm not sure this is the best silhouette for Not Grace Slick  - the nip in at the waist seems to emphasize her shoulders. But. This is the best I have seen My Stockard look in recent years!

Laura Bell Bundy!
I went back and forth on this one because... well, because that is one hell of a pageant dress! But ultimately I decided that if there is one place you can go Full Tilt Barbie, it's the Tony Awards. I love her for this.


Audra McDonald!
This hurts me. Audra, I love you. You are one of the loveliest people on this earth. This dress paired with that hairstyle is doing you no favors. Love the color, though!

Tracie Bennett!
What? Why?! In theory, I like the construction of the dress but this looks like an ode to crepe paper. MEH.

Suzan-Lori Parks!
As far as S-LP looks go, this is a snoozefest.

Elizabeth Davis!
Bathmat on top, curtains on bottom, dingy head-to-toe.

Spencer Kayden!
Is this the heaviest dress of all time or does she just always look vaguely miserable? PS, Vaguely Miserable is my new cabaret spoof of Les Miz.

Beth Behrs!
Unflattering and far too long. Please try again.

Judy Kaye!
Judy, Judy, Judy. This is the like the worst Mother of the Bride kind of look. Next time, please go shopping with Jayyyyne Houdyyyyyshell.

Sheryl Crow!
I am irrationally irritated by this dress.

Nikki James!
Lady, you have a Tony Award. Please refrain from dressing like the comforter I had on my bed when I was 15.

Elena Roger!
Even though you explicitly asked me not to, I am going to cry for you, Elena. Specifically, your hair.

Kathy Najimi!
This honestly pains me. I love Kathy Najimi; she is a huge inspiration to me. HOWEVER. A maxi dress with visible bra, cropped cardigan, and chunky shoes is absolutely not inspiring. You are looking fit and amazing these days, please crank the glamour up to 11.


She Who Shall Not Be Named!
Look, I know You Know Who is on probation right now and therefore shouldn't even be in this post, but I couldn't NOT include this. This is probably one of the worst dresses I have ever seen. Is it just me or is the way her boobs are cloaked vaguely pornographic? This is the dress that figure skaters leave on the rack. The shoes are NOT helping. YOU ARE STILL ON PROBATION, VOLDEMORT!

Kelli O'Hara!
It doesn't fit, it's a bad color, and that train looks really stupid. Three strikes and you're out, O'Hara.

Hugh Jackman!
Between the haircut, the ill-fitting jacket, and the gigantic bowtie, Hugh looks like his head shrunk unexpectedly overnight. Let's see if Mrs. Jackman can do better....

Deborra-Lee Furness
GAH! You're supposed to be a beard, not wear one!

Amanda Seyfried!
What. The. Shit. Is. That?! Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Candice Bergen!
I am not kidding when I tell you that I have gone through the stages of grief about this outfit.

Denial - She didn't actually wear some that bad. No one would actually wear this outfit in public.
Anger - This is the worst thing that has ever happened on the Tony red carpet! EVER!
Bargaining - I'll never make fun of Frances McDormand's beach-chic look again if I can just un-see this!
Depression  - This outfit is so bad, I can't even think of a joke. I hate myself for already using my "Oh girl, oh no" on La Seyfriend.
Acceptance - Candice Bergen looks like crap.


  1. I thought for a minute there that you'd included a picture of a hobo, but no, it was Murphy Brown.

  2. If you ever write and perform "Vaguely Miserable" I will so be in the front row.

  3. Is she ill? Like in all seriousness, is Candice Bergen undergoing some cancer treatment and on steroids or something? Hobo outfit aside, SHE looks like shit.