Sexy ___ Costume Rundown 2013!

My dear readers, did you know that I've been doing these Sexy ____ costume roundups since 2006? It started over on my dear departed Livejournal - I didn't even post pictures the first year! I was delighted/horrified to find out that there is a such costume as Sexy Bee. And that's where the obsession began. (With Sexy Bee costumes, I mean...)  This year, so as not to repeat costumes from previous years, I actually made a spreadsheet. A SPREADSHEET. That, my dear readers, is dedication. And so, behold: the latest slate of Sexy ____ costumes.

Sexy Smurf!

Meh. We're starting here because in terms of Sexy ____ costumes, this is fairly tame. Though you do have the whole "only gal in a sea of men" thing going on... for better or worse. Since we're here, why don't we just obliterate all of childhood, huh?

Sexy Cabbage Patch Kid

Now THAT'S more like it. The yarn hair is what really brings it home. Do you think she has Xavier Roberts' signature on her ass?

Sexy Gizmo

Oh good. Now all your body-shaming frenemies are free to make comments about you eating after midnight. That's what I always go for on Halloween.

Sexy Princess Peach

I tried to find this last year to go with Sexy Mario and Sexy Luigi, but I suppose sexy supply hadn't yet caught up with sexy demand. The only downside to this costume is that you have to keep hiding in other castles all night. Bummer.

Sexy Teddy Bear

You know, there's being a Sexy Teddy Bear but then there's eviscerating a teddy bear and crawling inside its skin for Halloween. What I'm saying is, GROSS.

Sexy Troll Doll

Yes, but why.

Sexy Storm Trooper - Option 1

Not impressed, especially compared to Option 2. Next year, hook this costume up with LED lights and you can be Sexy Tron. PS, we can agree that the finger gun is a subtle nod to the fact that Han shot first, yes?

Sexy Storm Trooper - Option 2

J'adore. I specifically enjoy the fact that you can enter wearing the helmet and then remove it in slow motion, shaking out your blonde locks while the camera pans around a room full of guys just AMAZED that such a babe was under that Sexy Storm Trooper costume. Also, this song plays while that happens. Continuing on in Sexy Movieland...

Sexy Cruella De Vil

Whoa. I'm worried about how many gross jokes she'll get about her "puppies." 

Sexy Pink Panther

50% Bettie Page, 50% taking things far too literally, 100% high class.

Sexy Evil Queen from Snow White

It is hilarious to me that this is actually called a Sexy Maleficent costume. INCORRECT, Yandy. Check yourself. I think this might be the perfect Sexy ____ costume for the lady who likes to leave something to the imagination.

Sexy Mike Wazowki

No, really. You're welcome. 

MOVING ON. Are ya hungry?

Sexy Hamburglar

That's all well and good, but for the life of me I could not find a Sexy Grimace costume. Go figure.

Sexy Fries

To go with the Hamburglar, of course. Because nothing says "sexy" like the words "hot fries" right over your vagina. 

Sexy Carrot

I have to give props where props are due: I put this on Facebook a couple of days ago and reader Robert commented that they missed an opportunity for a green necklace here. That's right! This Sexy ____ COULD USE A NECKLACE. Well done, reader Robert. Bravo.

Sexy Pizza

This costume costs $60. That is sixty dollars to wear a mini dress that basically looks like your nipples are off-kilter and your vagina is large, contains multitudes (of pizza). But I guess the pizza crust cowl is kind of worth it, right? Moving on.

Sexy Mime

Guys, nothing makes me laugh harder than Sexy Mime. Also, it's sending the perfect message that you, too, believe that women should be seen and not heard!

Sexy Catwoman

Redundant.

Sexy Wrecking Ball Video

For when you absolutely, positively have to go out of the house in your underwear. The best part, of course, is that this costume does not come with the sledgehammer. 

Sexy Shamu

My roommate recently watched the documentary Blackfish and told me in terrifying detail about how killer whales in captivity have EATEN their trainers and stuff. So I find it pretty fitting that this Sexy Shamu costume is basically a lady in the midst of getting eaten by a whale. Also, what is sexier than dressing up like a whale? I think I have the answer...

Sexy Parrot

Oh my god, somebody, please be a Sexy Bird. It's my new favorite Sexy ___.

Sexy Unicorn

Sparkle Pony lives! Ladies, a word to the wise: please do not dress up as a Sexy Unicorn unless you really know what that means. 

Sexy Leopard

WHOA. There is not enough double stick tape in the world for this.

Sexy Zombie

For when you want your Sexy ___ to also be a Gross ____. Gives new meaning to the phrase "I wanna feel you from the inside." GROSS.

Sexy Prisoner

I like that she has a jaunty pillbox hat. I feel like that really sells it.

Finally, last and certainly most rage-inducing... 

I'm really sad I have to show you this.

I mean really sad and also pretty mad. But you know what? If I had to see it, then so do you:

Sexy Rosie the Riveter

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

Let me take you through my reactions. First I was all

And then I was all

But then I looked at it again

But still, I was like

And that turned into

Until I decided

Happy Halloween, everyone! Be careful out there tonight and don't let anyone call you a ho.

gifs from http://wifflegif.com, http://fuckyeahreactions.tumblr.com/.

Emmys 2013: The WTF!

There are three steps to reading the WTF rundown:

Step one: get some pearls.
Step two: put them on.
Step three: prepare to clutch said pearls.

THE WTF!

Amanda Peet!

What in the name of Ghost Hunters is this about? She looks like a creepy doll that's been terrorizing someone's house with bad psychic energy. You guys, what happened to Amanda Peet? I'm truly concerned. Also, you guys, what's going on with this pioneer widow in mourning subtrend? Case in point...

Aubrey Plaza!

Half-Pint at the gravesite.

(Alternately, for those of you more into Disney than Little House,  I'm pretty sure this is the official costume of hostesses at the Haunted Mansion.)

Julianne Hough!

The only possible explanation for this is that she decided to use the Emmys as the stage for her one woman burlesque: Julianne Hough: A Tribute to Waterfalls. Don't go chasing waterfalls, Julianne.

OH YES I DID JUST MAKE THAT JOKE!


Lily Rabe!

Ladies, I know you've been wondering how you'll pull off that Sexy Two-Face costume this Halloween. Lily Rabe has the answer. Just add disfigurement and a coin!

Kate Mara!

From the front, it's just your typical Kate Mara Has Poor Taste look. A bit side slit, some sheer netting, some adhesive tape detail... no big whoop, just what we've mostly come to expect. And then....

This would be the time to clutch your pearls and think of just how much double stick tape had to sacrifice its life for this monstrosity of a garment.

Melissa Leo!
Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to behold a sight so strange, so horrifying, so utterly monstrous, that I urge you who are easily frightened or upset, who suffer from nervous disorders, weak hearts, or queasy stomachs, who experience nightmares, and any children under the age of 16, to forgo witnessing this exhibit. There are only two kinds of freaks ladies and gentlemen. Those created by God, and those made by man. The creature in this pit is a living breathing human being that once was... well, that's another story that happened a long time ago, a long way from here. Look if you must....

Yes, step right up, ladies and gentlemen, to the greatest show on earth.


*thanks to She Freak for the carnival barker quote

2013 Emmys: The Bad!

Batten down the hatches, my dear readers. Bad decisions were made. I'll try to go in some sort of order from Bad to Worse. I'll try.

THE BAD!

Vera Farmiga!

Will this woman ever get it right!? She looks like she's melting into a giant pool of unfortunate fashion. None of it works. My biggest problem is that clunky belt. It's totally wrong for the dress and sitting about an inch and a half too high on her waist.

Jessica Lange!

I hate this. Hate is such a strong word. I really hate this. She looks like a Hirschfeld drawing went wrong on her breasts. The hair is an afterthought, too.

Amy Poehler!

Amy, you deserve better and so do we. I mean, seriously: furry hip embellishments? What in the name of Jean-Ralphio is happening here!?And the hair- don't even get me started. The cap sleeves and high neck are really the limit for me - I cannot stand idly by and watch this woman make herself look like this. She looks like she's in mourning and you know, maybe I am too.

Robin Wright!

There's really nothing like a fabric that mimics decorative rattan furniture. Why do I feel like she's trying to hypnotize me? Why would you do that, Robin? I have nothing to offer you.

Jon Hamm (seen here with Egg Jessica Westfeldt)!

Jon Hamm, I implore you for once and for all time: FIND A TUX THAT FITS. And not in white ever ever again because the horror.

Cat Deeley!

Cat Deeley is seen here in an ill-filling tribute to the marine life victims of the Gulf Coast oil spill. May the eternal light shine upon thee, oil coated ducks and sea life. RIP.

Julianna Margulies!

Another year, another floral bedsheet for Julianna. This one doesn't even try to pretend it's not a bed sheet! It's too long, it's not a great color on her, and look at that vast expanse of real estate without any jewelry on it. Julianna, you're killing me. (love your hair, tho.)

Julie Bowen!

Oh my dear god. This is just too much. Somehow this makes my head flit directly to Rococo, which for me is the prime example of "I bet that would be pretty is there was much less of it." I'll bet this started out as a beautiful, simple gown and then things just kept getting added - like the sleeves and the bottom and the corset detailing on the waist and then it just turned into this explosion of femininity that makes me want to barf. Thanks for making me want to barf, Julie.

Mindy Kaling!

Basically, I hate everything about this dress. I hate the color, I hate the fit, I hate the cutouts that I guess are supposed to look like a giant necklace but don't at all, I hate the hair, I really hate the blush her makeup artist used. Mindy, I really like you and much like Miss Amy, you deserve better. Please give a verbal lashing to whomever talked you into the dour and unflattering thing.

Lena Headey!

I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be worn with some kind of lining under it. I mean, I could be wrong... no, scratch that. I'm not wrong. It's a sheer dress with granny panties, nipples, and white heels. What are you, one of my barbies circa 1988? Let me be frank, my dear readers: the white heels are kind of the worst part of this for me. Nipples on the red carpet? Sometimes that happens. Granny panties under sheer skirts? Apparently that's super cool though I do not understand nor do I condone it. White heels with all black? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

La Klum!

The actual dress part is fairly standard for Heidi, but then there's the ... dickey. Is this the formal equivalent of people who wear short sleeve tshirts and a scarf? Or is La Klum just really, really into turtlenecks? I would love to know what Tim Gunn's first thought was when he saw this because I definitely had a moment of:

Claire Danes!

It's an evil color on her, it doesn't fit, she looks like she's about three seconds away from going tits ahoy, and she looks about 7 years older than she is. What is it with starlets choosing to wear dresses that just don't fit? I mean we saw it in pink on Gwyneth when she won the Oscar, we saw it on Jessica Chastain at this year's Golden Globes (remember? that awful baby blue thing?) and now here we are again, with Angela Chase bringing the pain. It hurts my feelings, you guys.

Zosia Mamet!

Maybe her boobs were sleeping and didn't want to be bothered by the light? Maybe she felt like the dress would fall down without a tank top panel to hold it up? I don't know. The only thing I have to say is this:  Oh girl, oh no. No no no.