Oscars 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

Ever so slowly, we're working our way through the Oscars. 

THE MEH

Kelly Marie Tran!

This is a very interesting dress that I don't find entirely successful. Maybe it's a fault of my brain trying to process a new silhouette but she looks like she has just arrived via parachute and the chute is settling itself around her. (And ps, ROSE TICO DESERVED BETTER.)

Adele Dazeem!

A useful dress for when your hands get cold and you need to shove them in your bow to warm up.

Charlize Theron!

It's not offensive and, indeed, it is better than most of what she wore this awards season. I'm just concerned that the one strap has fainted on her arm.

Beanie Feldstein!

I really like the dress, I really like her styling, but I don't like the fabric of the dress and I disagree with the halter. Why is this dress fuzzy? 

Taika Waititi!

It is historically difficult for me to critique TW's fashion because I am distracted by how unrelentingly handsome he is. It truly took some time for me to see that the pants are too big and the jacket is.... not exactly right either. I literally had to look at this photo only from the neck down. These are the things I am willing to endure to bring you the completely random amateur fashion critiques you come here for, my dear readers.

Natalie Portman!

Obviously, I love a dramatic cape embroidered with the names of the snubbed women directors. And obviously she looks very dramatic and witchy, which is always a good thing in my book. However I am not sure I can get behind a bathing suit under an embroidered sheer dress and I definitely know that a golden rope belt is not my cuppa. This is the Answer Hazy Ask Again Later of the red carpet.

Florence Pugh!

While I deeply disagree with these shoes and the mid-calf high-low skirt (lowish-low?), this color is a dream on her and the fit is perfect. 

Renée Zellweger!

Tell us something we don't know, Renée!

Salma Hayek!

It's okayyyyy but it sort of reads like a very high end mythological goddess costume.

Kathy Bates!

I love this suit, especially with the shell! The problem is, it's too big on her. I want to see this whole outfit exactly the same but with more precise tailoring.

Cynthia Erivo!

There is a lot going on here and I would like the opportunity to remove just one element from this look. Not sure if I would change the shoes, the two different cups, the uncomfortable-looking seatbelt strap, or the number of rings worn... but if just one of those things was out, I think I would love this more.

Greta Gerwig!

Hell of a time to learn that olive isn't your color.

Scarlett Johansson!

From afar, I love this look! From close up, I see that the designer ran out of satin and had to hot glue some tinsel to a Pnina Tornai see-through corset.

Geena Davis!

You cannot convince me the top is not body paint.

Oscars 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The Good!

Have you noticed the incredible trend that has finally hit the red carpet? I'll give you a hint: it makes me extraordinarily happy... NECKLACES! They are everywhere now! Finally! Let's dive into some delicious looks, many of which feature necklaces.

THE GOOD

Maya Rudolph!

Maya Rudolph Refuses To Wear Spanx and she has taken her mission to the heavens! Is it a caftan of questionable length? You bet your ass it's a caftan of questionable length! Are those kitten heel sandals? You bet your ass those are kitten heel sandals! Is it a no-nonsense precision bob? You bet your ass it's a no-nonsense precision bob! Am I totally into this? You bet your ass I'm totally into this! 

Adam Driver (with Joanne Tucker)!

He looks great and the fit is really nice. As you know, I do not comment on the muggles unless they look outstanding so let me just say JOANNE TUCKER KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE PARK. 

Regina King!

I was initially not sold on the strap but what the hell do I know? NOTHING, that's what. Listen, if we ever get to Hollywood, we all need to find out who is styling Regina King and hire them and only them. She has been consistently impeccable on the red carpet in the last few years and the Oscars were no exception. The dress is befitting the queen she is and her head looks stupendous. My goodness, what else can we do but worship her?

Tony Hale!

I was completely unprepared for Tony Hale to look like a hearty snack! 

Janelle Monáe!

Not really sure what would be a non binary form of priestess so we'll just say Space Minister Here to Heal Your Spiritual Wounds (While Wearing Fabulous Necklace).

Tom Hanks!

This is it, this is the look. I hope he fixes his cuffs before photos are taken next time but otherwise, THanks, don't change a thing!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

Everything seems to be in order here.

Rebel Wilson!

How extraordinarily glamorous! 

Keanu Reeves (with his mom Patricia Taylor)!

Holiest moly, what a great look on him. It fits like a dream and it's totally complete. I have always been a Keanu gal but moreso now than ever. Like a fine wine, my dear readers. 

Mindy Kaling!

The draping is exquisite, this color is fantastic, the necklace is enormous in a great way, the ring is saying hello, and her hair and makeup are on point. This is an extraordinarily strong look on her. 

Brie Larson!

This dress is everything. While you know I don't tend to love such a severe hairstyle, I think her stylist was right to keep everything else fairly minimal to highlight the gown. I am very surprised how well she wears this rose champagne color; I never would have put her in it. But more than anything, I looooooooooove this dress. 

Oscars 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The Billy Porter Of It All

My dear readers, we will fully tuck in to the full Oscars buffet tomorrow but before that time let us enjoy a most delicious amuse bouche.... 

THE BILLY PORTER OF IT ALL

All hail the golden feathered bodice, the voluminous skirt inspired by Kensington Palace, and the gladiator buckle platform Jimmy Choos! 

But wait! There's more!

I never cover the VF afterparty but this is The Billy Porter Of It All and rules don't really apply to Billy Porter. Also, charmingly, you can get this amazing bag (by Philadelphia's own Iris Barbee Bonner) in black as seen here or in neon. 

SAG Awards 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

Though there are but a handful in this pile, they are indeed mighty. 

THE WTF

Amanda Brugel!

This is one of those very very good WTF entries. This is basically a sequinced and beaded Möbius strip in dress form and I didn't know I needed it but now I'm glad I have it in my consciousness. 

Andrew Scott!

Pretty sure Andrew Scott is trolling me.

Winona Ryder!

A grieving widow, just in from pilates class, is cold in the restaurant and has to borrow your suit coat and now she seems to be growing feathers from her shoulders. Like you do.

Patricia Arquette!

Well this is an amazing Barry and LeVon costume with an unfortunate footectomy. And yes! That IS a cape you're seeing off the back of the jacket. Absolutely incredible showing here from Patty A. 

SAG Awards 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

I don't think you're ready for this sartorial jelly. I know I certainly wasn't!

THE BAD

Camila Mendes!

Oh man I hate it when someone takes my dress by the sleeves and just rips it down the middle.

Charlize Theron!

Even one of the world's most beautiful women cannot pull off a formal sports bra look. 

Elisabeth Moss!

Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Margot Robbie!

I don't *hate* it but it is also not *good* nor *appropriate* for this event. This is very MTV Movie Awards. Very Independent Spirit Awards. She's wearing sandals ffs.

Gwendoline Christie!

Looks like someone's been perusing the Maya Rudolph Refuses To Wear Spanx collection...

Alex Borstein! 

The length is wrong, the cut is wrong, the neckline is wrong, the shoes are wrong, the bag is wrong, the color is wrong... I honestly don't know that I can find anything that went well here.

Leslie Bibb!

The only way I can describe this dress is that it was meant to be a mashup of a swimsuit and an evening gown. It is so, so bad.

SAG Awards 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

My dear readers, it has been a wild few weeks in my life and thus we are even farther behind than we were before! Much to discuss, so let's go full steam ahead!

THE MEH

Cynthia Erivo!

I look at this and see the look it almost was but juuuust missed being. The bottom of the dress is huge and fun but the top is oh so eensy teensy. Additionally, I am not a fan of red and pink together. Points for wearing a necklace but with the volume of the skirt she could have been styled with an absolutely enormous statement necklace and it would have helped mitigate the tiny top. 

Jennifer Aniston!

It is so so so close to being the old Hollywood throwback glamour look she was going for. Indeed, the effect is there... until you look closely at the weird side train that somehow bunches at the pelvis and then languishes on the side. I love the draping on the top but I do wish the left strap was a bit thinner to give a more intentionally asymmetrical look. Almost got it, Jen!

Allison Janney!

If the white part went straight across instead of being tacked up as a one-sided invisible cold shoulder, we would have a winner.

Reese Witherspoon!

This is just so meh to me. It's fiiiiiiiine but the makeup is a little off and the shoes are wrong and the dress seems heavy and stodgy.... but she looks nice. Just meh.

D'Arcy Carden!

The fit is off in the bust and wow, girl, that is not your color.

Zoë Kravitz!

It's oh so very Audrey Hepburn but it's just a skosh too long and, again, girl, that is not your color.

Annie Murphy!

A little bit Alexis? More like a little bit unflattering.

La Kidman!

I have never seen anyone age 15 years between awards shows before! Impressive!

Samira Wiley!

There is a whole thing going on this awards season with large ruffles around the midsection and I am not digging it. That said, her head looks incredible and this color is magic on her. 

Jennifer Garner!

Snoozefest.

ScarJo!

The fit is great and the color is a dream but I do not understand the styling and she clearly sat down in the limo. Tsk tsk.

Catherine Zeta-Jones!

The plunge plus the slit compounded by the starburst in the middle somehow make her look boxy. How can you make CZJ look boxy!?!?! Seems like that should be illegal.

Laura Dern!

Vice Admiral Holdo does not deserve football shoulders.

Emily Hampshire!

Again with the proportionizing! The width of that V simply overpowers her frame.

Glenn Close!

This is only in the Meh pile because of the length of those sleeves. I have no problem with Glenn Close wearing a large formal caftan with cape but I do have a problem with the sleeves threatening to become gloves as well.