SAG Awards 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The Good!

My dear readers, we are desperately behind! I am planning to get through the SAGs this week, Grammys next week, and then it's ALREADY THE OSCARS. Where does the time go?

THE GOOD

Lupita Nyong'o!

Goodness, she looks stunning. I have been wondering for a few days now whether I would like this dress better if the top was black but I think I'd probably find it boring. Actually this is a classic CUAN but with the white top being so eye catching, it's kind of okay without a necklace for me.

Michelle Williams!

Everything seems to be in order here.

Rachel Brosnahan!

Congratulations on your new stylist, Rachel! I am very interested in the direction they are taking you.

Eugene Levy!

Classic tux in a great color with a perfect fit. This is a home run.

Renee Zellweger!

Great color, interesting dress, great hair, boring shoe, not the lip I would have chosen but an overall excellent look.

Sterling K. Brown!

Sure the shoes are a little bizarre  but I'm into this look. I think he's wearing the hell out of that jacket.

America Ferrera!

This is classic chic. The 60s styling for her hair and makeup paired with that collar and neckline really sell this look for me. So well styled. 

Catherine O'Hara!

Perhaps not my favorite color on her but this is fairly thrilling dress for CO'H. 

Phoebe Waller-Bridge!

I can hear you shouting me down already but hear me out: I truly debated where to slot PWB. In the end I could not deny that she is killing this look, severe 90s hair and all. The sheer Cher-ness of this look delights me every time I see it. We should all infuse a bit more Cher into our wardrobes.

Dan Levy!

Damn, this is a gorgeous look. Normally I would ding the hem length but I truly believe it to be intentional and it works with the different lengths of layers we see here. Truly truly gorgeous.

Taika Waititi!

I'll be perfectly honest with you: it is very difficult for me to discern if this actually good or if he is just so HANDSOME that I can't help but swoon. SO HANDSOME. 

Danai Gurira!

WOW. Just ... wow. The color, the fit, the styling. Wow.

JLo!

That right, Jenny, you make them EAT IT.  Giant bows are her thing now! What are you gonna do about it? NOTHING! JLo is on her Screw You Guys I Am A Serious Actor vibe and I will forever worship her. 

Golden Globes 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

It's a big day here in WTS-land! Wrapping up the Golden Globes and unveiling a new Scale. What a time to be alive! 

THE WTF

Lulu Wang!

This is one of those good WTFs, though I am not as interested in seeing the (wrinkled from sitting in the limo) tail of the shirt. I am really into the corset and the wide pant and the tie. Are we doing ties under corsets now? I guess we are.

Joey King!

This is most definitely some magic eye vulva painting come to life and I love it.

Ray Romano!

I'm including Ray Romano not for this outfit (though the tie is awful) but because I now somehow have the hots for him and I am saying WTF to myself. What is happening in my brain? 

Ramy Youssef!

What. Are. Those.

Sacha Baron Cohen!

Blueberry In the Morning hits the red carpet. The fit is exquisite but the suit is just so, so, so blue. 

Lucy Boynton!

Category is: Gothic Victorian Tin Man Fantasy!

Jennifer Lopez!

JLo knows she is a gift we do not deserve. Love you, Jenny - you were robbed! Justice for JLo!

Billy Porter!

What if a full white suit but also Snuffaluffagus from the waist down? Why not, right?

Jason Momoa (seen here with Lisa Bonet)!

It's not that bad, right? It must be hard to find a green velvet jacket that fits if you're Jason Momoa. But something seems off about the shirt.... just can't put my finger on what.... 

IT'S A FUCKING TANK TOP.

SIR.

W - and I cannot stress this enough - TF?!

Kerry Washington!

Whew! That is less than a tank top! Don't tell Jason Momoa this is an option!

Christopher Abbott!

I was Golden Globes years old when I learned that there are corduroy tuxes. 

Cate Blanchett!

Spitty little dinosaurs from Jurassic Park but make it fashion. Kinesio tape but make it fashion. Folding accordion fan but make it fashion. Ran out wrapping paper at the bottom and had to add a strip but make it fashion.

Gwyneth Paltrow!

This is confusing AND hideous. This is barely clothes! And the necklace is under the dress! What is even happening here!? My dear readers, a few times over the years I thought about replacing the Patton Scale with something that out-Patton'd the Patton but this finally drove me over the edge. Please welcome our new mark of a truly bad frock: The Paltrow Scale. This, my friends, is a Full Paltrow.

Golden Globes 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

There are some terrible dresses on beautiful women today. Please read to the end for a very important announcement. 

THE BAD

Salma Hayek!

Like we discussed with Margot Robbie, the white skirt has absolutely nothing to do with the top. The worst offense here is the keyhole cutout because it cheapens the look drastically and that's not fair to Salma Hayek.

Charlize Theron!

Don't you hate it when you're doing scarf magic and accidentally disappear half your dress? 

Sienna Miller!

Sienna Miller tied together some bedding to sneak out of her parents' second floor window and just wore the whole thing to the show. 

Dawson's Creek Michelle Williams!

Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Taylor Swift!

For a person known for her "great gowns, beautiful gowns" how did someone actually put her in something so deeply unflattering!?

Toni Collette!

Yikes, that is a LOT of dress. So many sleeves! All the ruffled tiers! A formal turtleneck! Yikes!

Greta Gerwig!

This 90s trend is getting out of hand, y'all. She is like one barrette away from the 1996 sophomore formal. 

Kirsten Dunst!

You know, I don't know why I'm surprised that Kiki showed up wearing your great aunt's guest room bed skirt. 

And an announcement.... 

In the next post, we will formally retire the Patton Scale. If you watched the show or consumed the red carpet, I think you might know what the replacement will be. I want to take this opportunity to thank Paula Patton for wearing this bonkers dress to the 2014 Golden Globes. Paula, you have done so much for us in the past 6 years but it is time for us to update because there is now way worse fashion. 

Now and forever, we'll never forget.

Golden Globes 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

While we finally have a lot of necklaces on the red carpet, I wish some of them had been different.


THE MEH

Awkwafina!

Someone is going to have to explain to me what Awkwafina has against her own neck. Also the black tulle at her throat makes it look like she's using her own hair as a necklace. I'm not wholly against the idea, I'm just surprised by it. 

Amy Poehler!

This is the right dress with the wrong belt.

Rami Malek!

That tie is simply ridiculous. 

Saoirse Ronan!

This photograph is a poor representation of a really pretty dress, worn with YARDS of double stick tape. I don't love the color on her and I truly dislike the styling. She looks positively undead.

Margot Robbie!

The two halves of this dress have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Much like Salma Hayek's dress (which will be featured in the Bad pile), the white skirt pulls focus completely and overwhelms the look.

Ellen!

The question never really occurred to me but I guess why wouldn't you hand stone an entire suit? 

Natasha Lyonne!

Her hair looks incredible and that bag is everything. That does not make up for the fact that the dress being cut at the ankles stumpifies her and that bow situation is out of control.

Zoë Kravitz!

I like this okay but I think I would love this sleeveless. Dig the lip color.

Reese Witherspoon!

She looks like a very intricately folded washcloth. 

Rooney Mara!

Sure.

Ansel Elgort!

The fit is really good but I gotta tell you, folks, head to toe velvet is quite a swing. So is weirdly singing your presentation script... so I guess that's where Ansel Elgort is: big swing town. 

Priyanka Chopra Jonas and Nick Jonas!

Y'all tried but all of this is a skosh too tight. Loving that necklace, though!

Phoebe Waller-Bridge!

I love the fit on this suit but I very much hate the material and the bow. It looks like a giant bird is in the middle of taking a somewhat transparent crap on her.

Renée Zellweger!

Snoozefest.

Laura Dern!

This is a lot of look. None of it is bad but it's all a lot.

Scarlett Johansson!

Huge taffeta gown with long train doesn't quite work for me with such a slick do and understated makeup. Also some of the reason I am not a huge fan of taffeta is because it shows every half wrinkle and it just doesn't photograph as beautifully as other fabrics. I'd like seeing this dress with a giant blown out bob and some interesting eyeliner. 

Leslie Bibb and Sam Rockwell!

First of all LB is unrecognizable with dark hair. Secondly, this dress makes her look like she's standing on a step stool. Thirdly, what in the Sam hill is happening with the pants!?

Wesley Snipes!

There is a giant velvet bowtie on a pink ruffled shirt and it somehow almost works. 

Christina Applegate!

Another one for the almost works pile! I like this dress a lot but the V is too wide on her and it makes the fit look off. 

Cynthia Erivo!

Something about this gown just seems so heavy to me. I'm also not really feeling these shoes, that bag, nor that specific necklace. I know, I know... I'm so picky!