My dear ghouls, welcome back to another year of Sexy _______ costumes! Every year I pull up my extensive spreadsheet of the costumes I've already covered for this deeply cherished annual tradition and I think to myself, there is no way Yandy has anything new for us to mock. And every year I open up my browser to that limitless source of sexy costumes and chide myself to ever doubting them. And this year, friends, we have been gifted a new source of Sexy ____ ridiculosity: please welcome 3wishes.com to the party! 3 Wishes has a large section of Sexy _____ costumes for men, but helpfully still keeping that steady male gaze intact. We have a lot to cover and you still have a Samhain celebration to prep for, so let's get going - I'm going to do some categories this year for funsies.
Sexy Kinda Boring
Sexy Nun!
For reasons unknown to me there were a LOT of Sexy Nun costume options this year. The only reason I can come up with is The Keepers and let's just say if that is your inspiration, I do not wish to know you.
Sexy Leprechaun!
The beard makes it art.
Sexy Playboy Bunny!
Timely AND distasteful! Double winner!
Sexy Flight Attendant!
I suppose if you are doing Sexy Flight Attendant it would actually be Sexy Stewardess. Insert "fly the friendly skies" joke here.
Sexy Doctor!
I appreciate that you're scrubbed up but I can't help but notice you are only wearing underwear. Certainly the hospital frowns upon this, no?
Sexy Statue of Liberty!
I need to alert you to a fact from the product page: "Headpiece not included." So you get the torch but not the headpiece? That seems like some Sexy ___ trickery.
Sexy Racer!
In case you weren't sure what this was, it says RACING across the boobs.
Sexy Cop!
Hat says "Police," mesh cage that barely covers nipples says "Police," underwear says "Candyman." Heard and understood, officer.
Sexy Devil!
Absolutely must give props to this costume for incorporating two pentagrams in the design. An unusually nice touch on a Sexy ___ costume.
Sexy Skeleton!
The leg bone's connected to the knee bone,
The knee bone's connected to the thigh bone,
The thigh bone's connected to ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HOW CAN THIS SKELETON WALK
Sexy Animals (and one human)
Sexy Penguin!
I have definitely covered a Sexy Penguin before but this is a new version and it is hilarious and I really love it. Also! Next year, ditch the headgear and add a tux jacket and a pompadour and you have your Janelle Monae costume.
Sexy Phoenix!
"After a long night of hooking, trade didn't like the session... so he had gutted me and set me on fire... but you know I didn't die, I had crystallized and now I'm a glamazon bitch ready for the runway!"
Sexy Sheep!
So. Many. Eyes. I know this one is a little hard to see... you might even say it gets lost... well never fear!
Sexy Bo Peep!
I can predict with a fair amount of certainty that two friends who decide to go as Bo Peep and Lost Sheep will quickly turn into an "I'm the Mary, you're the Rhoda" situation.
Sexy ... Dead Fish? I guess?
Dead Mermaid? Goth Mermaid? Mer-skeleton? If it is a mermaid skeleton, does this mean the shells are bone and have always been part of the body? Whatever it is, it's confusing and carries with it a very high chance of peekaboo nipples.
Sexy Copyright Infringement
Sexy Mickey!
One of our more demure entries this year.
Sexy Minnie!
Can't lie - this is fairly adorable. You know, for a sexualized cartoon mouse.
Sexy Beast!
It's always fun to imagine the Beast with tearaway sleeves.
Sexy Lady Beast!
Sadly, no tearaway sleeves on this one.
Sexy Gladiator!
Look at that dumb little sword! It's not even included with the outfit - wouldn't you use a better one for the photoshoot? Oh 3 Wishes, you have a lot to learn.
Sexy Dracula!
Somebody call Gary Oldman and let him know this is happening.
Sexy Peter Pan!
I won't grow up, won't grow up, never grow up... except for this beard stubble.
Sexy Hermione!
It's also possible that this is a Sexy Harry Potter, judging by the glasses. Either way it's sexualizing children and if that's not a reason to cry I don't know what is.
PS there used to be a Sexy Eleven from Stranger Things available but people actually were like OH HELL NO so it's gone now (thank god). You can probably find it if you search but I will in no way google that for you.
Sexy Daenerys!
Wither the dragons, Mother of Dragons?
Sexy Jon Snow or Sansa Stark!
My dear readers, I do not watch Game of Thrones. When I saw this costume I immediately thought "Oh that's that Ikea rug coat so this is Jon Snow," but I decided to check with my friends who watch GOT to make sure because the costume is actually named Sexy Northern Queen. The friends are completely split as to whether this is Jon Snow or Sansa Stark. In any case, why would you not just buy one of the Ikea rugs if you're gonna do this cape?
Sexy Can We Not
Sexy Melania!
Moving on....
Sexy Fake News!
Moving further on...
Sexy OMG WTF
Sexy Spiderweb!
Sure.
Sexy Genie!
I'll bet you can immediately name the guy you know who would totally wear this. I'll also bet you usually try not to invite him to your parties.
Sexy Elf on a Shelf!
This clearly also belongs under Sexy Copyright Infringement but it is far more WTF than that. This is one of the more hilarious Sexy ____ costumes I've ever seen because it's also playing into the "we start celebrating Christmas earlier every year" trope. Well done, Yandy. This is exquisite.
Sexy Fireman!
If you had told me about it, I would not have believed you. This is downright perfection. Welcome, 3 Wishes - you've really earned your spot here.
Sexy Denny's Waitress!
What? Why? Who thought of this? "Ugh, I want to be a Denny's waitress for Halloween but, you know, like a sexy one. I simply cannot go another Halloween without being bombarded with Grand Slam come ons." I love how extremely specific this is and how very bizarre. Sublime, really. This is my favorite Sexy ____ costume this year.
