Oscars 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

My dear readers, it seems like just a month and a half ago we began our Oscars coverage and now all of a sudden we've come to the end! The fun part of dragging this out over many weeks is that we've all forgotten just how bananas it got for a few people. Let's refresh our memories. 

THE WTF

Sandra Oh!

To me, this is the gown version of a meticulously groomed french poodle dyed the exact color of a Wawa napkin. The extreme puffed sleeves push it generously into WTF territory. And lo, I say to thee for the last time during the Oscars...

Timothée Chalamet!

My best guess is that Tim is trying to get a reboot of The Flamingo Kid greenlit. Either that or he is gonna say, "You fellas have nothing to worry about," before having a joy ride in a Ferrari. These are the only two acceptable explanations for this get up.

Saoirse Ronan!

The bathing suit top is not great, the wallpaper skirt is worse, but the double ruffle peplum is TRULY UNHINGED.

Anthony Ramos!

It's a lot of look. The cravat, the necklace, this specific jacket... it's a lot. This could have easily gone into the Bad pile. But those shoes push the look firmly into WTF territory. 

Billie Eilish!

Me in quarantine, wearing couture and slippers.

Diane Warren!

To be honest, on a scale of 1 to Diane Warren, this is fairly tame. It's really the treble clef on the bedazzled bandana necklace that makes it oh so Diane Warren.

Kristen Wiig!

You may love lasagna but not as much as KW - she loves it so much she dressed as it! She's truly giving Garfield a run for his money. Time will tell, but I think this dress goes down in history for me as one I will forever remember like Demi Moore and her bike shorts. Welcome, Kristen, to my personal catalog of hilarious red carpet fashions. Truly, WTF!? It's a Full Tonga.

Oscars 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

Well well well, look what the pandemic dragged in. Are we going to finally finish up the Oscars? Could it be? Yes it could. Something's coming...something, well, not good.

THE BAD

Zazie Beetz!

I really didn't want to put her in the Bad pile but between the awkward length on the skirt, the detached corset top with ... many flaps?, and the somewhat matronly shoes, I had no choice. Those flaps! Why? Oy.

Caitríona Balfe!

Even without the very large fashion jelly fish eating her torso, the dress looks cheaply constructed and I won't have it.

Margot Robbie!

Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Sigourney Weaver!

Just in case there is a question in your heart about it here you go: I am against rope belts. I am also against dresses that look like they have extra fabric leftover that is fashioned into some sort of shoulder bun. Who did this to Sigourney Weaver? I want names.

Pedro Almodóvar!

This is making me a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Sure, maybe Sigourney was all tie me up! tie me down! with her belt, but the fit of this suit just looks like a bad education to me. All about my turtleneck, am I right? I want to talk to her him about this shirt choice. It is all pain, no glory. Volver. 

Gal Gadot!

Hahahahah wut. I'm seeing a pretty princess table cloth pinned on top of a long sleeve mock turtleneck teddy with pasties and a hastily added necklace on top. Again, I say to thee: Hahahahah wut.

Rooney Mara!

That is the largest thong I've ever seen.

Olivia Colman!

Medieval Times but make it fashion and make sure to add exhaust pipes for the armpits.

Laura Dern!

Holy shit this is so bad. The baby pink! The bedazzled sports bra overlay! THE TASSELS! You know what this is, right? This is a Full Patrow!

Oscars 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

Ever so slowly, we're working our way through the Oscars. 

THE MEH

Kelly Marie Tran!

This is a very interesting dress that I don't find entirely successful. Maybe it's a fault of my brain trying to process a new silhouette but she looks like she has just arrived via parachute and the chute is settling itself around her. (And ps, ROSE TICO DESERVED BETTER.)

Adele Dazeem!

A useful dress for when your hands get cold and you need to shove them in your bow to warm up.

Charlize Theron!

It's not offensive and, indeed, it is better than most of what she wore this awards season. I'm just concerned that the one strap has fainted on her arm.

Beanie Feldstein!

I really like the dress, I really like her styling, but I don't like the fabric of the dress and I disagree with the halter. Why is this dress fuzzy? 

Taika Waititi!

It is historically difficult for me to critique TW's fashion because I am distracted by how unrelentingly handsome he is. It truly took some time for me to see that the pants are too big and the jacket is.... not exactly right either. I literally had to look at this photo only from the neck down. These are the things I am willing to endure to bring you the completely random amateur fashion critiques you come here for, my dear readers.

Natalie Portman!

Obviously, I love a dramatic cape embroidered with the names of the snubbed women directors. And obviously she looks very dramatic and witchy, which is always a good thing in my book. However I am not sure I can get behind a bathing suit under an embroidered sheer dress and I definitely know that a golden rope belt is not my cuppa. This is the Answer Hazy Ask Again Later of the red carpet.

Florence Pugh!

While I deeply disagree with these shoes and the mid-calf high-low skirt (lowish-low?), this color is a dream on her and the fit is perfect. 

Renée Zellweger!

Tell us something we don't know, Renée!

Salma Hayek!

It's okayyyyy but it sort of reads like a very high end mythological goddess costume.

Kathy Bates!

I love this suit, especially with the shell! The problem is, it's too big on her. I want to see this whole outfit exactly the same but with more precise tailoring.

Cynthia Erivo!

There is a lot going on here and I would like the opportunity to remove just one element from this look. Not sure if I would change the shoes, the two different cups, the uncomfortable-looking seatbelt strap, or the number of rings worn... but if just one of those things was out, I think I would love this more.

Greta Gerwig!

Hell of a time to learn that olive isn't your color.

Scarlett Johansson!

From afar, I love this look! From close up, I see that the designer ran out of satin and had to hot glue some tinsel to a Pnina Tornai see-through corset.

Geena Davis!

You cannot convince me the top is not body paint.

Oscars 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The Good!

Have you noticed the incredible trend that has finally hit the red carpet? I'll give you a hint: it makes me extraordinarily happy... NECKLACES! They are everywhere now! Finally! Let's dive into some delicious looks, many of which feature necklaces.

THE GOOD

Maya Rudolph!

Maya Rudolph Refuses To Wear Spanx and she has taken her mission to the heavens! Is it a caftan of questionable length? You bet your ass it's a caftan of questionable length! Are those kitten heel sandals? You bet your ass those are kitten heel sandals! Is it a no-nonsense precision bob? You bet your ass it's a no-nonsense precision bob! Am I totally into this? You bet your ass I'm totally into this! 

Adam Driver (with Joanne Tucker)!

He looks great and the fit is really nice. As you know, I do not comment on the muggles unless they look outstanding so let me just say JOANNE TUCKER KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE PARK. 

Regina King!

I was initially not sold on the strap but what the hell do I know? NOTHING, that's what. Listen, if we ever get to Hollywood, we all need to find out who is styling Regina King and hire them and only them. She has been consistently impeccable on the red carpet in the last few years and the Oscars were no exception. The dress is befitting the queen she is and her head looks stupendous. My goodness, what else can we do but worship her?

Tony Hale!

I was completely unprepared for Tony Hale to look like a hearty snack! 

Janelle Monáe!

Not really sure what would be a non binary form of priestess so we'll just say Space Minister Here to Heal Your Spiritual Wounds (While Wearing Fabulous Necklace).

Tom Hanks!

This is it, this is the look. I hope he fixes his cuffs before photos are taken next time but otherwise, THanks, don't change a thing!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

Everything seems to be in order here.

Rebel Wilson!

How extraordinarily glamorous! 

Keanu Reeves (with his mom Patricia Taylor)!

Holiest moly, what a great look on him. It fits like a dream and it's totally complete. I have always been a Keanu gal but moreso now than ever. Like a fine wine, my dear readers. 

Mindy Kaling!

The draping is exquisite, this color is fantastic, the necklace is enormous in a great way, the ring is saying hello, and her hair and makeup are on point. This is an extraordinarily strong look on her. 

Brie Larson!

This dress is everything. While you know I don't tend to love such a severe hairstyle, I think her stylist was right to keep everything else fairly minimal to highlight the gown. I am very surprised how well she wears this rose champagne color; I never would have put her in it. But more than anything, I looooooooooove this dress. 

Oscars 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The Billy Porter Of It All

My dear readers, we will fully tuck in to the full Oscars buffet tomorrow but before that time let us enjoy a most delicious amuse bouche.... 

THE BILLY PORTER OF IT ALL

All hail the golden feathered bodice, the voluminous skirt inspired by Kensington Palace, and the gladiator buckle platform Jimmy Choos! 

But wait! There's more!

I never cover the VF afterparty but this is The Billy Porter Of It All and rules don't really apply to Billy Porter. Also, charmingly, you can get this amazing bag (by Philadelphia's own Iris Barbee Bonner) in black as seen here or in neon. 

SAG Awards 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

Though there are but a handful in this pile, they are indeed mighty. 

THE WTF

Amanda Brugel!

This is one of those very very good WTF entries. This is basically a sequinced and beaded Möbius strip in dress form and I didn't know I needed it but now I'm glad I have it in my consciousness. 

Andrew Scott!

Pretty sure Andrew Scott is trolling me.

Winona Ryder!

A grieving widow, just in from pilates class, is cold in the restaurant and has to borrow your suit coat and now she seems to be growing feathers from her shoulders. Like you do.

Patricia Arquette!

Well this is an amazing Barry and LeVon costume with an unfortunate footectomy. And yes! That IS a cape you're seeing off the back of the jacket. Absolutely incredible showing here from Patty A.