2021 Met Gala Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF

Well, my dear readers, it is a new year! Tonight is the Golden Globes so it seems like the right time to wrap up the Met Gala from last September. What is time anyway?

THE WTF

Erykah Badu!

This is like a hidden picture search in Highlights Magazine if they made a Highlights Fashion edition. See how many you can find:

• Crystal quartz necklace
• Top hat
• Fencing mask
• Dagger ring
• Bow tie
• Fashion drawstrings so as not to trip on gown
• Dachshund purse

Naomi Osaka (with Cordae Dunston)

Naomi looks like an astounding sculpture out on loan from MOMA. And appropriately, she has Dick Tracy protecting her through the evening.

Ben Platt!

I guess Ben decided to use the Met Gala as an opportunity to debut his one man Bee Gees tribute show You Should Be Dancing.

Kid Cudi!

I kind of love this and it was definitely shocking to see a club kid situation on the red carpet. That said, I want more from the makeup.

Kim Petras!

The Met Gala fashion equivalent of "Please clap."

Pharrell and Helen Lasichanh!

Reliable WTF-ery from Pharrell and Helen. This matching getup would not be in the WTF, though, except that it is entirely leather and I can only imaging the sweat situation going on between skin and clothes.

Megan Rapinoe!

Aside from the unfortunate footectomy Megan sufferer from these pants, the WTF part of this is that it SHOULD be campy but it's reading sincere and that will not stand in my book. Not that one can stand easily without feet.

Rihanna and ASAP Rocky!

Now, coming to the Met Gala just wrapped in quilts and diamonds? THAT is camp. Another masterpiece at the Met Gala from Riri.

Kim Kardashian!

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez with Aurora James!

Remember when this was such a big thing? What was that, like 4 years ago or something? Seems like a lifetime.

Carolyn B. Maloney!

I preferred this politician's look because it's giving me Glynis Johns as Winnifred Banks and that is pretty much everything I want.

Jeremy Pope (seen here with Janet Mock)!

I understand the idea of this outfit and I do love this neckline on Jeremy Pope but the execution of the look comes off as What if Siegfried & Roy But Melting. Also, I have tried for years but I cannot make myself tolerate the cloven hoof shoes. At this point, I just refuse.

Serena Williams!

Honestly, considering what I can see of the lace body suit and realizing there are dumb looking pink stars all over it, I'm feeling fine about this Snuffleupagus coat moment. But the top of this really does make her look like a floating head.

Whoopi Goldberg, Pierpaolo Piccioli, and Carey Mulligan!

Whoopi looks like a high fashion purple artichoke with leg warmers on her arms. Carey looks like she's playing dress up with her younger cousin and managed to fit into the doll's clothes but only just. And Pierpaolo looks so proud. (Meanwhile Maya Rudolph is on the phone desperately trying to get that purple number for the Golden Globes. Do they have it in orange, she wants to know.)

and finally.....

Iman!

Absolutely none of us are worthy! This is a Full Tonga!

Emmys 2020 "Red Carpet" Rundown: The WTF and Doing A Bit!

My dear readers, I cannot in good conscience give you the Sexy ______ Halloween Costume Roundup without finishing the Emmys. I have very limited brain space, though, so I'm going to go ahead and skip the Meh. WHAT!? Yes, that's right. I don't actually want to talk about how Reese was a snooze and why Issa should consider not wearing coral. I'd much rather talk about the fun stuff, wouldn't you? It's a pandemic, the election is a minute away, and the police are brutalizing my neighbors instead of helping them so I just kind of don't care about hem lengths that much today. 

As you may remember, we are not doing The Bad because that's just cruel. Everyone was basically in their house, Kerry Washington's backyard, some random Canadian courtyard, or conducting a one person halftime show in an empty stadium and it's not fair to say anyone looked bad. However it is absolutely fair to say WTF and also to recognize those who committed to Doing a Bit. And they're all right here!

THE WTF

Tracee Ellis Ross!

Nothing but respect for laying out your own bit of red carpet next to a tree! That is the kind of extra I expect from TER. That said, she might need to go back to Party City where she belongs.

Kieran Culkin!

How many bracelets is too many bracelets? Asking for a friend.

Jeremy Strong!

It's an extraordinary volume of the drabbest possible shade of brown. But the little floppy tie makes it art.

DOING A BIT

Tony Shalhoub!

Why an ascot? But also why NOT an ascot?

Julia Garner!

What in the green light across the lake is going on here? She's all roarin' 20s while Foster the People is in a silk tiger robe. WHAT WAS THE BRIEF???

Samira Wiley!

Full face, peep toe heels, diamonds, and pajamas. This is what I envisioned adult sleepovers would be like.

Alex Borstein!

Congratulations to Alex Borstein for finally living her dream of Doing A Bit and having it work fairly well. This was the other kind of adult sleepover I envisioned in my youth.

Ted Danson!

Ted Danson, casually in his kitchen. Of course he is.

Oscars 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

My dear readers, it seems like just a month and a half ago we began our Oscars coverage and now all of a sudden we've come to the end! The fun part of dragging this out over many weeks is that we've all forgotten just how bananas it got for a few people. Let's refresh our memories. 

THE WTF

Sandra Oh!

To me, this is the gown version of a meticulously groomed french poodle dyed the exact color of a Wawa napkin. The extreme puffed sleeves push it generously into WTF territory. And lo, I say to thee for the last time during the Oscars...

Timothée Chalamet!

My best guess is that Tim is trying to get a reboot of The Flamingo Kid greenlit. Either that or he is gonna say, "You fellas have nothing to worry about," before having a joy ride in a Ferrari. These are the only two acceptable explanations for this get up.

Saoirse Ronan!

The bathing suit top is not great, the wallpaper skirt is worse, but the double ruffle peplum is TRULY UNHINGED.

Anthony Ramos!

It's a lot of look. The cravat, the necklace, this specific jacket... it's a lot. This could have easily gone into the Bad pile. But those shoes push the look firmly into WTF territory. 

Billie Eilish!

Me in quarantine, wearing couture and slippers.

Diane Warren!

To be honest, on a scale of 1 to Diane Warren, this is fairly tame. It's really the treble clef on the bedazzled bandana necklace that makes it oh so Diane Warren.

Kristen Wiig!

You may love lasagna but not as much as KW - she loves it so much she dressed as it! She's truly giving Garfield a run for his money. Time will tell, but I think this dress goes down in history for me as one I will forever remember like Demi Moore and her bike shorts. Welcome, Kristen, to my personal catalog of hilarious red carpet fashions. Truly, WTF!? It's a Full Tonga.

SAG Awards 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

Though there are but a handful in this pile, they are indeed mighty. 

THE WTF

Amanda Brugel!

This is one of those very very good WTF entries. This is basically a sequinced and beaded Möbius strip in dress form and I didn't know I needed it but now I'm glad I have it in my consciousness. 

Andrew Scott!

Pretty sure Andrew Scott is trolling me.

Winona Ryder!

A grieving widow, just in from pilates class, is cold in the restaurant and has to borrow your suit coat and now she seems to be growing feathers from her shoulders. Like you do.

Patricia Arquette!

Well this is an amazing Barry and LeVon costume with an unfortunate footectomy. And yes! That IS a cape you're seeing off the back of the jacket. Absolutely incredible showing here from Patty A. 

Golden Globes 2020 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

It's a big day here in WTS-land! Wrapping up the Golden Globes and unveiling a new Scale. What a time to be alive! 

THE WTF

Lulu Wang!

This is one of those good WTFs, though I am not as interested in seeing the (wrinkled from sitting in the limo) tail of the shirt. I am really into the corset and the wide pant and the tie. Are we doing ties under corsets now? I guess we are.

Joey King!

This is most definitely some magic eye vulva painting come to life and I love it.

Ray Romano!

I'm including Ray Romano not for this outfit (though the tie is awful) but because I now somehow have the hots for him and I am saying WTF to myself. What is happening in my brain? 

Ramy Youssef!

What. Are. Those.

Sacha Baron Cohen!

Blueberry In the Morning hits the red carpet. The fit is exquisite but the suit is just so, so, so blue. 

Lucy Boynton!

Category is: Gothic Victorian Tin Man Fantasy!

Jennifer Lopez!

JLo knows she is a gift we do not deserve. Love you, Jenny - you were robbed! Justice for JLo!

Billy Porter!

What if a full white suit but also Snuffaluffagus from the waist down? Why not, right?

Jason Momoa (seen here with Lisa Bonet)!

It's not that bad, right? It must be hard to find a green velvet jacket that fits if you're Jason Momoa. But something seems off about the shirt.... just can't put my finger on what.... 

IT'S A FUCKING TANK TOP.

SIR.

W - and I cannot stress this enough - TF?!

Kerry Washington!

Whew! That is less than a tank top! Don't tell Jason Momoa this is an option!

Christopher Abbott!

I was Golden Globes years old when I learned that there are corduroy tuxes. 

Cate Blanchett!

Spitty little dinosaurs from Jurassic Park but make it fashion. Kinesio tape but make it fashion. Folding accordion fan but make it fashion. Ran out wrapping paper at the bottom and had to add a strip but make it fashion.

Gwyneth Paltrow!

This is confusing AND hideous. This is barely clothes! And the necklace is under the dress! What is even happening here!? My dear readers, a few times over the years I thought about replacing the Patton Scale with something that out-Patton'd the Patton but this finally drove me over the edge. Please welcome our new mark of a truly bad frock: The Paltrow Scale. This, my friends, is a Full Paltrow.