1. The tiniest boy in class with the bright blue eyes.
2. That kid with gigantic ears.
3. That kid who I liked for one day before we became BFFs and then we wrote plays together and he taught me all of the dances to Madonna and Janet Jackson because of course he did.
4. My 4th grade teacher who encouraged me to work hard and be a smart kid.
5. The kid who was just slightly smarter than me.
6. That other kid who was just slightly smarter than me.
7. That kid who was really dumb but super sweet.
8. The boy my best friend liked, but that crush only happened for like a day because I was afraid I was missing out on some great hunk of a boy to have a crush on but then realized that it's better if you and your best friend don't have crushes on the same person.
9. The kid with gigantic ears again, but only for a hot minute.
10. That boy who looked just like Eddie Furlong and listened to Metallica and watched Star Trek.
11. Captain Picard.
12. The shortest boy in class who thought he was a surfer rock god.
13. The kid who never said anything because he must think really deep thoughts.
14. That blonde boy who never looked at me twice even though there were like 40 kids in our whole class.
15. Eddie Vedder. Forever and always.
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Friday, May 2, 2014
Thursday, November 1, 2012
I - wait, what!?
Who needs Sexy ___ costumes when you get home on Halloween to a package on the table and the following exchange:
ME: Oh yay! My checks are here! I don't need to give you the rent money in cash anymore!
MY ROOMMATE: Oh, that's checks? I thought maybe it was a sex toy.
ME:
Oh hey, get this! I went to a Halloween party last night that featured exactly ONE Sexy ____ costume and I'm pretty sure his Sexy Mormon was meant as a subversion. I showed up sans costume but was immediately outfitted in a riding hat, blazer, and horse competition buttons. It actually looked kind of perfect.
Other than my five minute fix thanks to the hostess and our Sexy Mormon, I saw:
Barry Gibb
a jellyfish
an Instagram (genius - it was a picture frame with pantyhose over it that she held up to her face)
rain and snow
girlfriends dressed as each other, complete with fake tattoos
TWO cosmonauts
an oldschool princess
a squirrel
an evil scientist
Facebook (complete with paper to post on the timeline and little Likes so you could paste those on too)
THEATRE PEOPLE. YES.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some online shopping to do. I wouldn't want to ruin my cred...
ME: Oh yay! My checks are here! I don't need to give you the rent money in cash anymore!
MY ROOMMATE: Oh, that's checks? I thought maybe it was a sex toy.
ME:
Oh hey, get this! I went to a Halloween party last night that featured exactly ONE Sexy ____ costume and I'm pretty sure his Sexy Mormon was meant as a subversion. I showed up sans costume but was immediately outfitted in a riding hat, blazer, and horse competition buttons. It actually looked kind of perfect.
Other than my five minute fix thanks to the hostess and our Sexy Mormon, I saw:
Barry Gibb
a jellyfish
an Instagram (genius - it was a picture frame with pantyhose over it that she held up to her face)
rain and snow
girlfriends dressed as each other, complete with fake tattoos
TWO cosmonauts
an oldschool princess
a squirrel
an evil scientist
Facebook (complete with paper to post on the timeline and little Likes so you could paste those on too)
THEATRE PEOPLE. YES.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some online shopping to do. I wouldn't want to ruin my cred...
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Pop Quiz, Hotshot
True or False: you can contract gonorrhea by way of blowjob?
TRUE.
True or False: As an nascent sex educator, I totally knew that, right?
FALSE.
You guys. I read this article on Jezebel and I was like...
and then I was like...
and then I was like...
and then I was like...
and then I was like...
and then I was like...
Oh hey, also, this (emphasis mine):
Now I'm like this:
TRUE.
True or False: As an nascent sex educator, I totally knew that, right?
FALSE.
You guys. I read this article on Jezebel and I was like...
Oh hey, also, this (emphasis mine):
"The adaptive nature of the gonococcus, coupled with the prevalence of unprotected oral sex, all but insures that drug-resistant gonorrhea will eventually take root in the general heterosexual population," Groopman warns, adding that "Whatever freedoms were won during the sexual revolution, bacterial evolution promises soon to constrain."So, let's review: there is now antibiotic-resistant "super gonorrhea" and you can get it from unprotected blowjobs.
Now I'm like this:
but I'm also like this...
Thursday, May 3, 2012
How to Open Your Heart Up to Love
We read The Rules, we listened to Adele, we donated all of the skirts that hit below our knees thereby frumpifying us, we did all of the things one is supposed to do when one has a heartbreak. Hell, if Aimee Mann received royalties every time we played I'm With Stupid on our iPod she'd basically be King Midas. I mean come on!!! It's so perfect!
But! Then! We must open our hearts up to love! Let the sun shine in! But how???? Well, my dear readers, I have compiled this (non-definitive) list for you. Enjoy!
* Whine about it until not only your friends are sick of you, but YOU are sick of you. That's a good start.
* Listen to this song on repeat:
* And then this one:
* See how many times you need to listen to that one until you can do it without tearing up at "oh! she may be weary."
* Find a really good therapist and go regularly.
* Get a really cute haircut! Dye your hair! Buy a new mascara! Get new glasses! Do something different to your head.
* Fake it till you make it. BY WHICH I MEAN do your best to look awesome even when you don't feel awesome. Do that for as long as it takes.
* I am serious when I say that yoga and pilates will make the world seem easier.
* It may also help to get drunk.
* Don't worry about being "ready" for "love." It probably won't be love at first, and you're never going to be ready if you're waiting to be ready.
* Online dating. There are lots of sites, so see which one is for you. Also, if you hate it, just cancel your account. No big.
* Seriously, just go on some dates. Even with people you think you probably hate just by their stupid profile picture.
* The profile picture NEVER looks like them, so only choose people who say something interesting in the written portion of the profile.
* You know what's great about opening one's heart through online dating? You can do it drunk and in your pajamas, crying over Otis Redding. And, if you use spell check, NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.
* Unless you have a blog where you actually write the above sentence.
* Because seriously, young girls they DO get weary.
* So maybe you meet someone and they are nice! And cute! And interesting! DO NOT go out of your way to find something wrong with this person. Just smooch them and ask them when was the last time they were tested for STDs.
You'll know that you've conquered your cold, cold robot heart and are ready for love again when you actually find you have the urge to watch Love Actually. CONGRATULATIONS! You will probably still want to punch everyone but Colin Frissle in the face, but enjoy having a heart that feels emotions other than "weary." This is the time to write a heartfelt email to all of your friends to thank them for being patient with you and to offer them some wine. Because even when your heart is open to love, sometimes it helps to get drunk.
But! Then! We must open our hearts up to love! Let the sun shine in! But how???? Well, my dear readers, I have compiled this (non-definitive) list for you. Enjoy!
* Whine about it until not only your friends are sick of you, but YOU are sick of you. That's a good start.
* Listen to this song on repeat:
* And then this one:
* See how many times you need to listen to that one until you can do it without tearing up at "oh! she may be weary."
* Find a really good therapist and go regularly.
* Get a really cute haircut! Dye your hair! Buy a new mascara! Get new glasses! Do something different to your head.
* Fake it till you make it. BY WHICH I MEAN do your best to look awesome even when you don't feel awesome. Do that for as long as it takes.
* I am serious when I say that yoga and pilates will make the world seem easier.
* It may also help to get drunk.
* Don't worry about being "ready" for "love." It probably won't be love at first, and you're never going to be ready if you're waiting to be ready.
* Online dating. There are lots of sites, so see which one is for you. Also, if you hate it, just cancel your account. No big.
* Seriously, just go on some dates. Even with people you think you probably hate just by their stupid profile picture.
* The profile picture NEVER looks like them, so only choose people who say something interesting in the written portion of the profile.
* You know what's great about opening one's heart through online dating? You can do it drunk and in your pajamas, crying over Otis Redding. And, if you use spell check, NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.
* Unless you have a blog where you actually write the above sentence.
* Because seriously, young girls they DO get weary.
* So maybe you meet someone and they are nice! And cute! And interesting! DO NOT go out of your way to find something wrong with this person. Just smooch them and ask them when was the last time they were tested for STDs.
You'll know that you've conquered your cold, cold robot heart and are ready for love again when you actually find you have the urge to watch Love Actually. CONGRATULATIONS! You will probably still want to punch everyone but Colin Frissle in the face, but enjoy having a heart that feels emotions other than "weary." This is the time to write a heartfelt email to all of your friends to thank them for being patient with you and to offer them some wine. Because even when your heart is open to love, sometimes it helps to get drunk.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Also, knowing that Tina Turner is a goddess
This morning a friend of mine posted a link on Facebook to this list of 30 Things Every Woman Should Know Before She Turns 30. I'm going to be 32 in a couple of weeks (I have no idea how that happened), and I felt a sense of pride mentally checking off a bunch of these items as I read through... here are a few examples...
When to say yes. Done.
How to fake it. (I should note they mean fake like you're an adult, but I would amend to say know how to realistically fake an orgasm also, because sometimes you just need to go to sleep.) Done and Done.
How to order and drink straight whiskey. Oh puhleeeeeeease. Duh.
How to love your own smell. Done.
How to love your own smell. Done.
How to discuss sex frankly with your partner(s). VERY important. Done.
So, okay, this list is pretty good! Definitely better than that crappy Huffington Post you should have a cordless drill and a blace lace bra list. Ladies, we call it a DRILL GUN because that is so much more badass. And we always keep it charged.
I posted the list to Facebook and immediately got some great addendums, so I thought I'd bring it over here and see what you, my dear readers, would like to add.
Annie says, "Whoever wrote this has a little more to learn. You're never supposed to drink whiskey neat if you want to get the most out of it. Whiskey dries out as it ages, so you need to put in even just a splash of water to reinvigorate it and release the flavor."
Erin says, "No is a complete sentence."
Amy says, "I dunno about that paper napkin tampon thing. how 'bout "how to ask a stranger in a bathroom for a tampon" instead?"
Here are my additions:
* How to be supportive of a friend even if you disagree with their life decisions.
* Have a serious and candid conversation with your doctor about your mental, sexual, and overall physical health WITHOUT lying about how many partners you've had, how sad you feel, and if you sometimes drink 8 beers on a Saturday. Because the fact is: they've heard it all and you're only hurting yourself if you lie to a health professional.
* One dinner you can make really well that you can bust out if you happen to have your parents/your love interest/your long lost friend over for dinner. It doesn't have to be fancy; it just has to be good and non-stressful.
* How to negotiate genderqueer pronouns in normal conversation without sounding condescending or confused.
* Being able to recognize what is wrong with this picture*:
Your additions?
*the answer is: EVERYTHING.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
A plug with a side of guuuuh
My dear readers, I want to take a moment in this week of gratitude and food to say THANK YOU for reading WTS this year. I've had such a good time blogging for you (and me) and finding fun stuff to talk about.
Here's what has been keeping me busy...
I have been putting together a new Christmas show for the grown ups called Chlamydia for Christmas and Herpes for Hanukkah: More Sex-Ed Burlesque for the Holidays. My breast friend Gigi and I have been working hard on the show and this is a special invitation to readers of WTS to come check it out! Do you like to read WTS? You'll love to hear WTS-esque things coming out of my mouth live and in person! Tickets are available RIGHT NOW over here! Perhaps I can entice you with a photo of me wearing a moustache?
But for real: I am tired. Tired in a really lucky sort of way. Let's take a break from the whirlwind of stress to take a look at the pretty. ELIZABETH TAYLOR ONLINE AUCTION!!!!!!!
The caftan! The cowboy boots! The turquoise necklace! The white gold and diamond hoop earrings! (Those have always brought me luck...) Oh, Elizabeth. Yes. YES.
big ups to Ms. Jayme for the link!
Here's what has been keeping me busy...
I have been putting together a new Christmas show for the grown ups called Chlamydia for Christmas and Herpes for Hanukkah: More Sex-Ed Burlesque for the Holidays. My breast friend Gigi and I have been working hard on the show and this is a special invitation to readers of WTS to come check it out! Do you like to read WTS? You'll love to hear WTS-esque things coming out of my mouth live and in person! Tickets are available RIGHT NOW over here! Perhaps I can entice you with a photo of me wearing a moustache?
But for real: I am tired. Tired in a really lucky sort of way. Let's take a break from the whirlwind of stress to take a look at the pretty. ELIZABETH TAYLOR ONLINE AUCTION!!!!!!!
The caftan! The cowboy boots! The turquoise necklace! The white gold and diamond hoop earrings! (Those have always brought me luck...) Oh, Elizabeth. Yes. YES.
big ups to Ms. Jayme for the link!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Hair Down There
My dear readers, I know... I know. I don't call, I don't write, I don't send you flowers anymore. I'm in the midst of making a show (more on that at a later date), so life is kind of hectic.
BUT.
Holy lord, I could not keep this from you. My lovely friend Jane sent out the latest ad from PETA yesterday and I'm sitting here with thoughts. I have thoughts on hair.
Jane actually sent out the article from the Ms. blog about said ad. There are a lot of salient points in that thar article.
Indeed, Ms. Indeed.
So, okay: you get hair ripped out of your labia majora and PETA gets a cut. On one hand, there are tons of women who rock this style and might as well have some of their beauty dollars go to a good cause. On the other hand, good try PETA. I am not going to sacrifice my gloriously full bush to your organization.
You heard me: glorious. This is where my thoughts come in. Get ready.
I am all about personal style. You know this. This is not shocking. Many of my friends rock what I call "the full banana" (note: this is not catching on, sadly) because they feel smooth is sexy and wonderful. Go, girls. And boys. I take issue when a lady friend tells me that the full banana* is "cleaner." What is that about? I shower every day. I change my underwear. I have proper hygiene. My hairy cootch is just as clean as your baby smooth one. If you bic'd your hair, would your head be considered cleaner than mine?
Another layer of this, of course, is the male gaze. I have a problem with dressing and styling oneself for the sexual gratification of others. This is one of the reasons I always try to refrain from telling someone I'm dating that they need a haircut. I would hate it if a partner said that to me. It would feel like I was styling myself for their gratification, and that is no good. I love dressing up or getting my hair cut or wearing makeup or choosing jewelry or shoes that help me feel my best. In fact, everything that goes on around my face and head is my favorite mode of self-expression. This is why I dye my hair so much.
Here's the bottom line: my personal opinion on hair is HOORAY. I like body hair, especially pubic hair. It's adult and it's great. I'm not against general upkeep (though it's impressive if underarm hair can be braided), but I do like to know that when I'm hitting the sheets I am doing so with an adult. So thanks, but no thanks, PETA. I really don't think my glorious downstairs style is the same as skinning an animal and wearing it for fashion. Fur is gross, hair is awesome.
*should I stop trying to make "the full banana" happen?
BUT.
Holy lord, I could not keep this from you. My lovely friend Jane sent out the latest ad from PETA yesterday and I'm sitting here with thoughts. I have thoughts on hair.
Jane actually sent out the article from the Ms. blog about said ad. There are a lot of salient points in that thar article.
Does “it’s for a good cause” excuse exploiting, dehumanizing and sexualizing women? Do we want to get behind animal rights when they’re packaged as caged, unclothed pregnant women on all fours, women marked up as cuts of meat, women being beaten with baseball bats, and (more than once) the likening of our natural pubic hair to clothing made from the skinned fur of slaughtered animals?
Indeed, Ms. Indeed.
So, okay: you get hair ripped out of your labia majora and PETA gets a cut. On one hand, there are tons of women who rock this style and might as well have some of their beauty dollars go to a good cause. On the other hand, good try PETA. I am not going to sacrifice my gloriously full bush to your organization.
You heard me: glorious. This is where my thoughts come in. Get ready.
I am all about personal style. You know this. This is not shocking. Many of my friends rock what I call "the full banana" (note: this is not catching on, sadly) because they feel smooth is sexy and wonderful. Go, girls. And boys. I take issue when a lady friend tells me that the full banana* is "cleaner." What is that about? I shower every day. I change my underwear. I have proper hygiene. My hairy cootch is just as clean as your baby smooth one. If you bic'd your hair, would your head be considered cleaner than mine?
Another layer of this, of course, is the male gaze. I have a problem with dressing and styling oneself for the sexual gratification of others. This is one of the reasons I always try to refrain from telling someone I'm dating that they need a haircut. I would hate it if a partner said that to me. It would feel like I was styling myself for their gratification, and that is no good. I love dressing up or getting my hair cut or wearing makeup or choosing jewelry or shoes that help me feel my best. In fact, everything that goes on around my face and head is my favorite mode of self-expression. This is why I dye my hair so much.
Here's the bottom line: my personal opinion on hair is HOORAY. I like body hair, especially pubic hair. It's adult and it's great. I'm not against general upkeep (though it's impressive if underarm hair can be braided), but I do like to know that when I'm hitting the sheets I am doing so with an adult. So thanks, but no thanks, PETA. I really don't think my glorious downstairs style is the same as skinning an animal and wearing it for fashion. Fur is gross, hair is awesome.
*should I stop trying to make "the full banana" happen?
Monday, October 31, 2011
Your Guide to Sexy ____ Halloween Costumes
Happy Halloween! Before we get into the good stuff offered for Slutoween this year (and by "good stuff" I mean "the most ridiculous stuff I could find"), I want to share with you my own ironic Sexy Cat costume. Ladies and gentlemen, Sexy Peter Criss:
The makeup, unfortunately, gave me a slight chemical burn and those pants inspired an almost instant yeast infection, but it was WORTH IT. And now on to the good stuff.
Listen, usually I go through all sorts of different websites looking for the "best" in Sexy ____ costumes, but I have learned that all you have to do is go to Yandy.com. Yandy is the Sexy King of Sexy ____ costumes. All of these photos are from that site.
Sexy Eskimo!
Seximo. Seeing as it SNOWED this weekend in Philly, this would be a warmer Sexy ___ costume option.
Sexy MC Hamster!
Who DOESN'T wear a plush hamster head when they're feeling sexy!? I am not lying when I tell you this costume comes in different colors.
Sexy Wood Chipper!
According to Yandy, this is a "wood chipper" costume. Also according to Yandy, the beaver is detachable. You might think it doesn't get better than this but you'd be wrong.
Sexy Murder Victim!
Good news ladies! Now your sexy costume repertoire includes a reminder that you are an appropriate target of violence! YOU'RE WELCOME.
Sexy Lady Gaga!
Redundant and ineffectual. Lady Gaga routinely wears less fabric than this.
Sexy Dick Tracy!
Now that's more like it! You got your Sexy Gangster and your Sexy early 90s movie nostalgia all in one!
Sexy Eve!
The snake is a puppet. You're wearing a leotard and a puppet. In case you were wondering, no, it does not get sexier than that.
Sexy Dolphin!
The tail is what makes it art.
Sexy Train Conductor!
Perfect if you're hoping that someone will choo-choo-choose you!
Sexy Pineapple!
Every year as I scroll through the Sexy ____ offerings, I come to a few outfits that make me think, Who sees this and says "That's the one!"????
Sexy Watermelon!
An excellent addition to the Sexy Fruit Cup we're putting together. (Also, there is a costume for Sexy Fruit Cup. It just wasn't good enough to include here.) I wonder what else we could add to our Sexy Fruit Stand?
Sexy Banana!
PERFECT.
Sexy Scrabble!
This one has been making the rounds this year, for good reason. IT'S RIDICULOUS.
Sexy Shark!
This one just makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. One of my favorites of all time. I think it's the look on her face paired with the SHARK ON HER HEAD.
Sexy Rambo!
Because it's gotta be 1982 somewhere.
Sexy Flashdance!
So maybe you're going to a Sexy 80s party. (Please note: they also sell Sexy Cyndi Lauper costumes. REDUNDANT.)
Sexy Viking!
Fur? Check. Horns? Check. Illusion bustier that makes breasts look exposed? Check.
Sexy Brownie!
Just to clarify: the youngest girl scouts are Brownies and they wear brown smocks. Once you become a regular Girl Scout in middle school, you get the green outfit. So basically, this is a Sexy Second Grader costume. On the other hand, I definitely appreciate how well they've posed this photo. Is she a Sexy Brownie Detective?
Sexy Indiana Jones!
Guaranteed to have some dude drunkenly slur at you, "We named the DOG Indiana!" and then smack your ass.
Sexy Jane Goodall!
The person who thought up this costume was quickly fired for being "too cerebral."
Sexy Elvira!
...because Elvira is not sexy enough? I don't understand.
Sexy Optimus Prime!
Nerd magnet.
Sexy Green Lantern!
Nerd magnet supreme!
Sexy Edward Scissorhands!
I actually love this. But then again, I love Edward Scissorhands. I don't see the advantage of a short skirt over skin tight pants but I suppose that's why I don't have a job at Yandy.
And now, my friends, the greatest Sexy ____ costume I have ever seen:
Sexy Hulk Hogan!
Whatcha gonna do, Brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you!?
The makeup, unfortunately, gave me a slight chemical burn and those pants inspired an almost instant yeast infection, but it was WORTH IT. And now on to the good stuff.
Listen, usually I go through all sorts of different websites looking for the "best" in Sexy ____ costumes, but I have learned that all you have to do is go to Yandy.com. Yandy is the Sexy King of Sexy ____ costumes. All of these photos are from that site.
Sexy Eskimo!
Seximo. Seeing as it SNOWED this weekend in Philly, this would be a warmer Sexy ___ costume option.
Sexy MC Hamster!
Who DOESN'T wear a plush hamster head when they're feeling sexy!? I am not lying when I tell you this costume comes in different colors.
Sexy Wood Chipper!
According to Yandy, this is a "wood chipper" costume. Also according to Yandy, the beaver is detachable. You might think it doesn't get better than this but you'd be wrong.
Sexy Murder Victim!
Good news ladies! Now your sexy costume repertoire includes a reminder that you are an appropriate target of violence! YOU'RE WELCOME.
Sexy Lady Gaga!
Redundant and ineffectual. Lady Gaga routinely wears less fabric than this.
Sexy Dick Tracy!
Now that's more like it! You got your Sexy Gangster and your Sexy early 90s movie nostalgia all in one!
Sexy Eve!
The snake is a puppet. You're wearing a leotard and a puppet. In case you were wondering, no, it does not get sexier than that.
Sexy Dolphin!
The tail is what makes it art.
Sexy Train Conductor!
Perfect if you're hoping that someone will choo-choo-choose you!
Sexy Pineapple!
Every year as I scroll through the Sexy ____ offerings, I come to a few outfits that make me think, Who sees this and says "That's the one!"????
Sexy Watermelon!
An excellent addition to the Sexy Fruit Cup we're putting together. (Also, there is a costume for Sexy Fruit Cup. It just wasn't good enough to include here.) I wonder what else we could add to our Sexy Fruit Stand?
Sexy Banana!
PERFECT.
Sexy Scrabble!
This one has been making the rounds this year, for good reason. IT'S RIDICULOUS.
Sexy Shark!
This one just makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. One of my favorites of all time. I think it's the look on her face paired with the SHARK ON HER HEAD.
Sexy Rambo!
Because it's gotta be 1982 somewhere.
Sexy Flashdance!
So maybe you're going to a Sexy 80s party. (Please note: they also sell Sexy Cyndi Lauper costumes. REDUNDANT.)
Sexy Viking!
Fur? Check. Horns? Check. Illusion bustier that makes breasts look exposed? Check.
Sexy Brownie!
Just to clarify: the youngest girl scouts are Brownies and they wear brown smocks. Once you become a regular Girl Scout in middle school, you get the green outfit. So basically, this is a Sexy Second Grader costume. On the other hand, I definitely appreciate how well they've posed this photo. Is she a Sexy Brownie Detective?
Sexy Indiana Jones!
Guaranteed to have some dude drunkenly slur at you, "We named the DOG Indiana!" and then smack your ass.
Sexy Jane Goodall!
The person who thought up this costume was quickly fired for being "too cerebral."
Sexy Elvira!
...because Elvira is not sexy enough? I don't understand.
Sexy Optimus Prime!
Nerd magnet.
Sexy Green Lantern!
Nerd magnet supreme!
Sexy Edward Scissorhands!
I actually love this. But then again, I love Edward Scissorhands. I don't see the advantage of a short skirt over skin tight pants but I suppose that's why I don't have a job at Yandy.
And now, my friends, the greatest Sexy ____ costume I have ever seen:
Sexy Hulk Hogan!
Whatcha gonna do, Brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you!?
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
My brain: a primer
Actual title: The Vagina Monologues
What I always end up saying instead: The Vagina Chronicles
Actual title: The Heidi Chronicles
What I always end up saying instead: The Heidi Monologues
Actual lyric: I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
What I always end up singing instead: I'm a racing car passing by like a vagina
Actual Ed Asner:
What I mean when I say "Ed Asner":
***
I know I've been a little spotty on the updating lately. I had a big ole work meeting last week and I'm about to go on vacation, so that's all churning and burning up my time. I'm here and I haven't forgotten about you wonderful readers. Thanks for sticking with me!
What I always end up saying instead: The Vagina Chronicles
Actual title: The Heidi Chronicles
What I always end up saying instead: The Heidi Monologues
Actual lyric: I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
What I always end up singing instead: I'm a racing car passing by like a vagina
Actual Ed Asner:
What I mean when I say "Ed Asner":
I know I've been a little spotty on the updating lately. I had a big ole work meeting last week and I'm about to go on vacation, so that's all churning and burning up my time. I'm here and I haven't forgotten about you wonderful readers. Thanks for sticking with me!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I believe the children are our future
Add me to the list of feminist bloggers who are absolutely in love with Rookie, Tavi Gevinson's new blog/magazine. Here's the description from the website:
Tavi & co. are off to an excellent start. I've been enjoying reading their first offerings, and have high hopes for things to come. At times I think, "my goodness those skirts are short!" but then again, if I had known how awesome my figure was when I was 16, I would have taken WAY more advantage of that.
I want to specifically shout out to this post on getting over girl hate, because YES. I'm not exactly on board with Tavi's flowchart tracking girl hate back to boys feeling inferior, because it's a bit sexist and presumptive, but there are much better bits in there. To wit:
This is actually a good reminder for this 31 year old woman. There are a couple of specific women in my life toward whom, through no fault of their own, I feel competitive. And I hate that! The competition in and of itself makes me feel small and stupid. I'm trying to get over these sorts of things to be a better person. I suppose sometimes it takes a high school sophomore to remind you to check yourself.
I wish I had something like this in middle school or high school. All I had was Seventeen Magazine (I wasn't clued in enough to know that I should be reading Sassy). And what did I learn from Seventeen? That I should always be embarrassed about getting my period, that I don't have to and really shouldn't wash my hair until it squeaks, you CAN paint short nails bright colors (didn't know you COULDN'T but whatever), and that if I can draw this picture, I am an artist.
There's an entry on here on high school advice from "grown ups" - Dan Savage, Joss Whedon, Winnie Holzman - all the cool grown ups who were sort of nerds or outcasts long ago. (Once again with the reclaiming nerdiness...) They offer nice tidbits and advice and, though I am not famous, I feel compelled to offer my own little story of not knowing anything.
When I was in middle school there was a rumor that one of the eighth grade girls gave a boy a blow job at a party. SCANDAL. My best friend, Patty, and I were talking about it on the phone late one night, whispering because we thought we'd be in trouble if our parents heard us talking about it. We wondered to each other what exactly a blow job was. "Do you blow on it?" "I guess???" We were 12. Neither of us had ever kissed a boy and we were desperate to do so before getting to high school, figuring that everyone BUT us would have already had their first kiss. We were beyond clueless.
For me, my first kiss wouldn't come for another 3 years. I don't know about Patty; I always assumed she got her first kiss before me. She has a husband and a beautiful family now. I don't know if she ever found out what a blow job was. My mom reads WTS (hi Mom! love you!), so I will tell you this: I certainly never found out. I guess you blow on it?
Rookie is a website for teenage girls. With monthly-themed content, we update three times a day, five days a week, and are happy to offer you millions of bad puns.
Tavi & co. are off to an excellent start. I've been enjoying reading their first offerings, and have high hopes for things to come. At times I think, "my goodness those skirts are short!" but then again, if I had known how awesome my figure was when I was 16, I would have taken WAY more advantage of that.
I want to specifically shout out to this post on getting over girl hate, because YES. I'm not exactly on board with Tavi's flowchart tracking girl hate back to boys feeling inferior, because it's a bit sexist and presumptive, but there are much better bits in there. To wit:
The bad news is that sometimes jealousy is more personal than that, and really does have to do with just you and her. You probably feel a little threatened by her because you two are so similar, but you’re afraid she’s an even better version of you. Here’s the thing—the horribly, eye-rollingly cheesy thing: no one can be a better version of yourself than you. And becoming the best possible example of your you-ness does not include focusing on how much you dislike another person.
This is actually a good reminder for this 31 year old woman. There are a couple of specific women in my life toward whom, through no fault of their own, I feel competitive. And I hate that! The competition in and of itself makes me feel small and stupid. I'm trying to get over these sorts of things to be a better person. I suppose sometimes it takes a high school sophomore to remind you to check yourself.
I wish I had something like this in middle school or high school. All I had was Seventeen Magazine (I wasn't clued in enough to know that I should be reading Sassy). And what did I learn from Seventeen? That I should always be embarrassed about getting my period, that I don't have to and really shouldn't wash my hair until it squeaks, you CAN paint short nails bright colors (didn't know you COULDN'T but whatever), and that if I can draw this picture, I am an artist.
There's an entry on here on high school advice from "grown ups" - Dan Savage, Joss Whedon, Winnie Holzman - all the cool grown ups who were sort of nerds or outcasts long ago. (Once again with the reclaiming nerdiness...) They offer nice tidbits and advice and, though I am not famous, I feel compelled to offer my own little story of not knowing anything.
When I was in middle school there was a rumor that one of the eighth grade girls gave a boy a blow job at a party. SCANDAL. My best friend, Patty, and I were talking about it on the phone late one night, whispering because we thought we'd be in trouble if our parents heard us talking about it. We wondered to each other what exactly a blow job was. "Do you blow on it?" "I guess???" We were 12. Neither of us had ever kissed a boy and we were desperate to do so before getting to high school, figuring that everyone BUT us would have already had their first kiss. We were beyond clueless.
For me, my first kiss wouldn't come for another 3 years. I don't know about Patty; I always assumed she got her first kiss before me. She has a husband and a beautiful family now. I don't know if she ever found out what a blow job was. My mom reads WTS (hi Mom! love you!), so I will tell you this: I certainly never found out. I guess you blow on it?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Paging DJ Jazzy Jeff
DRUMS PLEASE!
It is summertime in Philadelphia. That means it is approximately a thousand degrees out with six trillion per cent humidity. In other words: pleasant. Even when sitting in central air, just thinking about what it is like outside can make you sweat.
--SIDEBAR--
Do people elsewhere in the country say "central air conditioning" or does everyone just say "central air?"
--END SIDEBAR--
One of the more important questions when it is this hot out is How long can I keep my face in the open freezer without the frozen pizza thawing? Another important question is How can one dress for the hot weather without sacrificing style?
Answer to question a: a lot longer than you think!
Answer to question B: THIS BLOG
Oh and before we dive in, listen: I have a theatre degree and fashion opinions. You probably disagree with me on the fashion opinions and that is fine! We're all friends! Unless, of course, you try to deny that Angels in America is a remarkable and important work of contemporary American drama. That would be a problem with our friendship.
Guys, if you have a business casual type of job, you're kind of screwed. Go for cotton button-down shirts that breathe. The rolled up sleeves look at the end of the day? Yowza! Do that. Also, if you intend to brave the heat during lunch hour or whatever, consider bringing a change of socks for when you get back. The socks will have spent all day in the air conditioned office (if that is the kind of thing you do for work) and when you get back, putting on nice cool socks will feel amazing. Ditto for an undershirt if that's your style.
If you guys can do whatever you want fashion-wise, a nice pair of lightweight shorts and a cotton tshirt is the winner. You might think that dark colors are best if you are super sweaty, but sometimes your sweat is really salty and it leaves a trace on your dark shirt once you cool off again. Think about something white, yellow, pink... something light.
As for casual dude footwear, I am of the opinion that most dudes can pull off NICE flip flops. Not shower shoes, but actually good-looking, well-maintained flip flops.
Let's review: Cute. Not cute.
I hate pedicures but I hear they are becoming very popular for the menfolk, so don't be shy. Some places will even give you beer or wine or something! Seriously! There is a place in Rittenhouse, on 18th, that promises booze with manicures and pedicures. Don't ask me why I haven't been there yet - I guess I just keep forgetting that I could have lovely nails and free booze all at once.
A word on linen anything: yes, it's very breezy but it dissolves into wrinkles if you even look at it the wrong way. If you sit for most of the day, don't attempt it. If you're going to be standing around being dashing all day, indulge in the linen. Just make sure you are fully covered underneath because guess what? You can see through light linen in direct sunlight! (Unless, I suppose, you are like "my balls are awesome and everyone should see them!")
Ladies, in this kind of heat we have one option: dresses. Well, dresses and skirt + top. Linen, again, is supremely wrinkle-prone and isn't a great option in my opinion. Something that doesn't cling to the body too much, doesn't show too much sweat, and doesn't trap heat is exactly what you want. Effortless and breezy - that's what we're going for in the dog days of summer. My main thing is to look adorable and not have anyone pass me on the street thinking, "She must be sweltering in that." I picked a couple of frocks from Mod Cloth as a guide.
Hello, I was put on this earth to be the perfect sundress to wear in 100 degree heat. Sure, it looks a little bit like an apron, but in a totally kitschy-fun way. I would do a delicate little necklace with this because if you try to throw gigantic earrings with it, they will compete with the ruffle and you'll look like you don't have a neck. I would pair this with ballet flats.
A quick word about shoes: shower-style flip flops shouldn't be seen other than in your college communal bathroom or at the beach. I really believe this. There are so many cute sandals out there and so many super cute ballet flats that are affordable - please don't make the mistake of looking fetching only from your ankles up.
Hello, I would like to hide your sweat stains. Bright and eye-catching prints were put on this earth to help mask underarm and underboob sweat marks. This is a little tighter to the body than you'd want in the crazy heat but ohmygod it's so cute. You could wear this in the evening when it's slightly cooler. A string of pearls might straddle the line between classic and way too twee, but I'm sure with confidence you could pull it off.
Hello, I am adorable, cotton, and flattering to all. Bright sandals and the biggest hoop earrings you can find. Done. And it looks like it never has to be ironed! Double win!
You'd think that maybe a maxi dress would be the perfect thing, but I find they trap air under there which just leads to sweaty lady parts.
Oh! One last thing: girls and boys! I am serious when I say if you know you're going to be sweating to bring a change of underwear with you (just stashed in your bag or something if you can). You know you sweat a lot around your hey-how-ya-doin, and sweating encourages yeast infections. The last thing you need in this heat is a damn yeast infection on top of everything else!
UPDATED TO ADD THIS INFORMATION FROM GIGI WHO WAS UNABLE TO COMMENT!
Linen does wrinkle easily, but it also un-wrinkles in about 5 seconds in humidity. So if you choose linen and find yourself a rumpled mess, a walk around the block will fix that in a jiffy, especially if you spray yourself lightly with water in advance. This is why people in the south of France wear linen all the time.
AGAIN!
It is summertime in Philadelphia. That means it is approximately a thousand degrees out with six trillion per cent humidity. In other words: pleasant. Even when sitting in central air, just thinking about what it is like outside can make you sweat.
--SIDEBAR--
Do people elsewhere in the country say "central air conditioning" or does everyone just say "central air?"
--END SIDEBAR--
One of the more important questions when it is this hot out is How long can I keep my face in the open freezer without the frozen pizza thawing? Another important question is How can one dress for the hot weather without sacrificing style?
Answer to question a: a lot longer than you think!
Answer to question B: THIS BLOG
Oh and before we dive in, listen: I have a theatre degree and fashion opinions. You probably disagree with me on the fashion opinions and that is fine! We're all friends! Unless, of course, you try to deny that Angels in America is a remarkable and important work of contemporary American drama. That would be a problem with our friendship.
Guys, if you have a business casual type of job, you're kind of screwed. Go for cotton button-down shirts that breathe. The rolled up sleeves look at the end of the day? Yowza! Do that. Also, if you intend to brave the heat during lunch hour or whatever, consider bringing a change of socks for when you get back. The socks will have spent all day in the air conditioned office (if that is the kind of thing you do for work) and when you get back, putting on nice cool socks will feel amazing. Ditto for an undershirt if that's your style.
If you guys can do whatever you want fashion-wise, a nice pair of lightweight shorts and a cotton tshirt is the winner. You might think that dark colors are best if you are super sweaty, but sometimes your sweat is really salty and it leaves a trace on your dark shirt once you cool off again. Think about something white, yellow, pink... something light.
As for casual dude footwear, I am of the opinion that most dudes can pull off NICE flip flops. Not shower shoes, but actually good-looking, well-maintained flip flops.
Let's review: Cute. Not cute.
I hate pedicures but I hear they are becoming very popular for the menfolk, so don't be shy. Some places will even give you beer or wine or something! Seriously! There is a place in Rittenhouse, on 18th, that promises booze with manicures and pedicures. Don't ask me why I haven't been there yet - I guess I just keep forgetting that I could have lovely nails and free booze all at once.
A word on linen anything: yes, it's very breezy but it dissolves into wrinkles if you even look at it the wrong way. If you sit for most of the day, don't attempt it. If you're going to be standing around being dashing all day, indulge in the linen. Just make sure you are fully covered underneath because guess what? You can see through light linen in direct sunlight! (Unless, I suppose, you are like "my balls are awesome and everyone should see them!")
Ladies, in this kind of heat we have one option: dresses. Well, dresses and skirt + top. Linen, again, is supremely wrinkle-prone and isn't a great option in my opinion. Something that doesn't cling to the body too much, doesn't show too much sweat, and doesn't trap heat is exactly what you want. Effortless and breezy - that's what we're going for in the dog days of summer. My main thing is to look adorable and not have anyone pass me on the street thinking, "She must be sweltering in that." I picked a couple of frocks from Mod Cloth as a guide.
Hello, I was put on this earth to be the perfect sundress to wear in 100 degree heat. Sure, it looks a little bit like an apron, but in a totally kitschy-fun way. I would do a delicate little necklace with this because if you try to throw gigantic earrings with it, they will compete with the ruffle and you'll look like you don't have a neck. I would pair this with ballet flats.
A quick word about shoes: shower-style flip flops shouldn't be seen other than in your college communal bathroom or at the beach. I really believe this. There are so many cute sandals out there and so many super cute ballet flats that are affordable - please don't make the mistake of looking fetching only from your ankles up.
Hello, I would like to hide your sweat stains. Bright and eye-catching prints were put on this earth to help mask underarm and underboob sweat marks. This is a little tighter to the body than you'd want in the crazy heat but ohmygod it's so cute. You could wear this in the evening when it's slightly cooler. A string of pearls might straddle the line between classic and way too twee, but I'm sure with confidence you could pull it off.
Hello, I am adorable, cotton, and flattering to all. Bright sandals and the biggest hoop earrings you can find. Done. And it looks like it never has to be ironed! Double win!
You'd think that maybe a maxi dress would be the perfect thing, but I find they trap air under there which just leads to sweaty lady parts.
Oh! One last thing: girls and boys! I am serious when I say if you know you're going to be sweating to bring a change of underwear with you (just stashed in your bag or something if you can). You know you sweat a lot around your hey-how-ya-doin, and sweating encourages yeast infections. The last thing you need in this heat is a damn yeast infection on top of everything else!
UPDATED TO ADD THIS INFORMATION FROM GIGI WHO WAS UNABLE TO COMMENT!
Linen does wrinkle easily, but it also un-wrinkles in about 5 seconds in humidity. So if you choose linen and find yourself a rumpled mess, a walk around the block will fix that in a jiffy, especially if you spray yourself lightly with water in advance. This is why people in the south of France wear linen all the time.
AGAIN!
Monday, July 11, 2011
The 5 Kinds of Underwear Women Own
I received a hilarious text yesterday from a friend proclaiming that it was time to face the facts that she has no idea what bra size she wears. I can't help her because I'm having the same conundrum lately. And I know I should go to some fancypants shop and get measured but it just seems like such a hassle. This text got me thinking about undergarments and so I present to you:
I Am About To Get My Period Like Any Minute
Cotton, busted and possibly frayed elastic, wan peach color or similar.
Oh My God It Is So Hot I Can't Believe I Have to Wear Clothes
Cotton, a little bit loose, preferably white because somehow the idea of dark colors attracting the sun applies to undergarments as well as tshirts. For some women, this might mean thongs because there is less fabric.
I Am Awesome and Quirky - The Day Is Mine!
Flattering cut with cute stripes or an ironic phrase on the front or back. Could also be some sort of retro thing. I knew one girl who could fit into boys' Spiderman underoos. I was really jealous of her.
Someone Else Will See These but Has Seen Everything Before
Black, flattering to butt.
Someone Else Will See These for the First Time!
Also known as Five Minute Underwear. Uncomfortable but pretty. Can really only be worn for a maximum of 15 minutes. You know those old movies where the sultry lady says "Let me slip into something more comfortable?" With the exception of Annette Bening in The American President, that "something more comfortable" is almost never comfortable at all.
Annette, you win.
The 5 Kinds of Underwear Women Own
I Am About To Get My Period Like Any Minute
Cotton, busted and possibly frayed elastic, wan peach color or similar.
Oh My God It Is So Hot I Can't Believe I Have to Wear Clothes
Cotton, a little bit loose, preferably white because somehow the idea of dark colors attracting the sun applies to undergarments as well as tshirts. For some women, this might mean thongs because there is less fabric.
I Am Awesome and Quirky - The Day Is Mine!
Flattering cut with cute stripes or an ironic phrase on the front or back. Could also be some sort of retro thing. I knew one girl who could fit into boys' Spiderman underoos. I was really jealous of her.
Someone Else Will See These but Has Seen Everything Before
Black, flattering to butt.
Someone Else Will See These for the First Time!
Also known as Five Minute Underwear. Uncomfortable but pretty. Can really only be worn for a maximum of 15 minutes. You know those old movies where the sultry lady says "Let me slip into something more comfortable?" With the exception of Annette Bening in The American President, that "something more comfortable" is almost never comfortable at all.
Annette, you win.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Ladies and gentlemen... Matthew Lewis
Your Friday is winding down. Huzzah! Just to give you that last push into the weekend, I want to give you the true story of magic at Hogwarts: Neville Longbottom and the Transfiguration Lesson of the Day!
BEFORE
just looking like a random British kid...
AFTER
GUUUUUUH
Before you rush off to Google "Matthew Lewis + birth year," I'll tell you right now: 22. Swoon away!
You know, I shouldn't be surprised. Age has done wonders for me, too!
BEFORE
AFTER
BEFORE
just looking like a random British kid...
AFTER
GUUUUUUH
Before you rush off to Google "Matthew Lewis + birth year," I'll tell you right now: 22. Swoon away!
You know, I shouldn't be surprised. Age has done wonders for me, too!
BEFORE
AFTER
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