Let's Talk About My Dad

My dear readers, my father (known affectionately as Papa Ger) is a great man. He is fun, loving, smart, generous, and bizarre. Let me tell you a little bit about him.

1. Papa Ger is (along with Mama Jack) probably the most supportive person alive. The two of them never blinked an eye when both my sister and I decided we wanted to go into the performing arts. Instead, they were there at every single show, concert, play reading, whathaveyou, beaming with pride. Lately I think I've made this a little harder on my dad as most of my performance work involves nudity and talking about vaginas, but he still is there, even if he does blush a little.

Seen here at my sister's graduate school recital, very proud.

2. My dad taught my sister and I the great importance of teamwork and, when we all discovered what disgustingly poor athletes the two of us are, the joy of watching sports on tv. When I moved home for a year after college he taught me how to love football. He and my sister used to stay up late on Friday nights watching boxing. There is nothing that says Sunday In The Jerz With The Fam quite like drinking a couple of beers with my parents and watching golf. Seriously.

We think it's very funny to pose like boxing champs.

3. My dad wears the same bowtie every Christmas Eve. It's actually a miracle that it hasn't fallen apart, since it's just some felt and a clip. It's just not Christmas without it!

Every. Year.

4. Papa Ger willingly dresses up in ridiculous outfits and comes to theme parties at my house. Yes, I invite my parents and my aunts and uncles to my house parties. They are fun! I had a Sexy Cat party for Halloween and my dad insisted he didn't need a costume because he already fulfilled the requirements.

Seen here with my cousin, cousin's boyf, and my uncle - Sexy Cats all.

5. So my dad mumbles. A lot. He's deaf in one ear, his handwriting is illegible, and sometimes it's difficult to tell what he's saying. But he's the guy you want to hang out with at a party because he's got the best stories and he likes to hold court.

Not quite sure what this was all about.

6. The greatest compliment you can receive from the man is a nickname. That means he likes you and wants you to hang around. Also, if he makes fun of you, he loves you. That's sort of a thing with my family. Observe:

original, sisters and a cousin

aaaand 8 years later, love from our parents

7. He loves to laugh, he loves his family, and he loves a party.

Perhaps not the best photo ever taken of these two, but I love it. Sorry guys.

THIS is what most people think of when they think of Papa Ger.

8. You may not know this, but my dad is amazing at photobombing.

My mom and my cousin....and my dad doing an impression of Bigfoot.

9. Here's the thing: I truly love my family. They are bizarre and fun. My dad and I can go from talking about what he's teaching his students this week to how bad the Phils suck right now to the state of the garden to whether or not I am justified in my hatred of T.S. Eliot in the span of 10 minutes. (Spoiler alert: We have agreed to disagree on that last topic.) And it's always fun.

A recent wine tasting trip.

The day we discovered Photobooth.

10. Pretty much for my entire life, he has said to me “You know you’re special?” It’s really a nice thing for a parent to say. But nothing could be more special than this photo.

Happy Fathead's Day, buddy. I love you!

Tony Awards Fashion Rundown!

My dear readers... it is time.

THE GOOD


Bernadette Peters!

Blammo! Bucketmouth shows us How It Is Done. I adore this color on her and the shape of this is simply showstopping. My only quibble is that I desire a necklace. Nothing much, just some ice on the clavicle.


Ricky Martin!

Perfect hem, beautiful fit, excellent bowtie. In short, he bangs. (Oh yes I did!)


Lilla Crawford!

Hello, you are adorable and perfect!


Jayne Houdyshell!

Yes. Regal and sophisticated with a kickass necklace. I love you, Jayne Houdyshell, even though I feel that your name contains far too many Ys.


Ellen Barkin!

Truth: I am prejudiced for La Barkin because a couple of people over the years have said I look like her. Lucky me! This dress is super cool and unexpected - very swanky. I want her to go back to the honey blonde, though, because this bright blonde just washes her out.


Cynthia Nixon!

Girlfriend BROUGHT IT. I mean, seriously, it has been brought!


Celia Keenan-Bolger!

I'm not sure about this whole using your hair as a necklace thing, but whatever. I love this dress. If I saw this dress in a store I would gladly max out my credit card to buy it and then I would wear it everywhere - parties, grocery store, brunch - the possibilities are endless.


Cote de Pablo!

I love this dress too! It fits her perfectly and is exactly the right length. I wish she had dressed it up with some serious accessories, but I'll let it slide because oh man, I really love this.


Judith Light!

Showing everyone who's boss since 1984. Also, dear readers, THAT is a necklace. That's what I'm talking about.


Da'Vine Joy Randolph!

 Love the color, love the draping - work. it.


Christin Milioti!

This color! So difficult to wear well but she just makes it look easy! I love how effortless this looks, even if she does sort of appear permanently surprised. Ah, the curse of big, beautiful eyes.


Stockard Channing!

We're grading on a curve. I'm not sure this is the best silhouette for Not Grace Slick  - the nip in at the waist seems to emphasize her shoulders. But. This is the best I have seen My Stockard look in recent years!


Laura Bell Bundy!

I went back and forth on this one because... well, because that is one hell of a pageant dress! But ultimately I decided that if there is one place you can go Full Tilt Barbie, it's the Tony Awards. I love her for this.


THE MEH

Audra McDonald!

This hurts me. Audra, I love you. You are one of the loveliest people on this earth. This dress paired with that hairstyle is doing you no favors. Love the color, though!


Tracie Bennett!

What? Why?! In theory, I like the construction of the dress but this looks like an ode to crepe paper. MEH.

Suzan-Lori Parks!

As far as S-LP looks go, this is a snoozefest.


Elizabeth Davis!

Bathmat on top, curtains on bottom, dingy head-to-toe.

Spencer Kayden!

Is this the heaviest dress of all time or does she just always look vaguely miserable? PS, Vaguely Miserable is my new cabaret spoof of Les Miz.


Beth Behrs!

Unflattering and far too long. Please try again.


Judy Kaye!

Judy, Judy, Judy. This is the like the worst Mother of the Bride kind of look. Next time, please go shopping with Jayyyyne Houdyyyyyshell.


Sheryl Crow!

I am irrationally irritated by this dress.


Nikki James!

Lady, you have a Tony Award. Please refrain from dressing like the comforter I had on my bed when I was 15.


Elena Roger!

Even though you explicitly asked me not to, I am going to cry for you, Elena. Specifically, your hair.


Kathy Najimi!

This honestly pains me. I love Kathy Najimi; she is a huge inspiration to me. HOWEVER. A maxi dress with visible bra, cropped cardigan, and chunky shoes is absolutely not inspiring. You are looking fit and amazing these days, please crank the glamour up to 11.

THE BAD

She Who Shall Not Be Named!

Look, I know You Know Who is on probation right now and therefore shouldn't even be in this post, but I couldn't NOT include this. This is probably one of the worst dresses I have ever seen. Is it just me or is the way her boobs are cloaked vaguely pornographic? This is the dress that figure skaters leave on the rack. The shoes are NOT helping. YOU ARE STILL ON PROBATION, VOLDEMORT!


Kelli O'Hara!

It doesn't fit, it's a bad color, and that train looks really stupid. Three strikes and you're out, O'Hara.


Hugh Jackman!

Between the haircut, the ill-fitting jacket, and the gigantic bowtie, Hugh looks like his head shrunk unexpectedly overnight. Let's see if Mrs. Jackman can do better....


Deborra-Lee Furness

GAH! You're supposed to be a beard, not wear one!


Amanda Seyfried!

What. The. Shit. Is. That?! Oh girl, oh no. No no no.


Candice Bergen!

I am not kidding when I tell you that I have gone through the stages of grief about this outfit.

Denial - She didn't actually wear some that bad. No one would actually wear this outfit in public.
Anger - This is the worst thing that has ever happened on the Tony red carpet! EVER!
Bargaining - I'll never make fun of Frances McDormand's beach-chic look again if I can just un-see this!
Depression  - This outfit is so bad, I can't even think of a joke. I hate myself for already using my "Oh girl, oh no" on La Seyfriend.
Acceptance - Candice Bergen looks like crap.

The Summer of Lard

My dear readers, this has been declared the Summer of Lard. Why? Well, mostly because the first Philadelphia location of Shake Shack opened yesterday. I have been excited about this since it was first announced almost a year ago. My partner in lard, Sara, and I have been holding an intense countdown for the past week. Was the line insane? YES. Was the person in front of me in line one of the most obnoxious men I've ever encountered? YES AGAIN. Was the food awesome and totally everything I had hoped? YES TO THE THIRD POWER!


Seriously... the line was crazy.

Luckily I had my Lard-ners in Crime...

Pictured: Sara and Jen.

Not pictured: Elle and Gigi who took one look at the line and went out for Chinese.

Once we got inside, it was even more of a madhouse!

Eventually, we were able to order our food. The cashier looked utterly exhausted. They'd had a nonstop stream of people since opening at 11 AM. This was 7:30ish. I got my little burger buzzer and made multiple jokes about the Outback Steakhouse.

Also, I could use a manicure.

We managed to find a table in the back (no small victory) and sat down to enjoy our lard! I had a Single Shack Burger, cheese fries, and a chocolate shake.

It was delicious and everything I had hoped it would be. Unfortunately, this is what I looked like after dinner.

It's gonna be a great summer!

Today in planets and stuff....

What the Transit of Venus means to YOU:

I have no idea. Just don't look directly at the sun because you'll hurt yourself. There is no reason to hurt yourself so you can see a dark dot on something very bright. If you would like, I can show you some of the freckles that are on the underside of my arm. My arm is very pale and bright and the freckles are dark. I'm pretty sure it's about the same as the Transit of Venus.

What I'm actually worried about is that the Transit of Venus is somehow connected to what has happened to Princess Beatrice's taste in millinery. It's downright TAME. And tame is lame, as far as Bea is concerned. Look at this from the Queen's Jubilee celebrations....

BOOOOOOOO! HATE IT! BORING AND SOMEWHAT PEDESTRIAN!

ONE GIANT FLOWER AND SOME TULLE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! PS, smack your sister for me - I have that hat in bright pink. You know when I wear it? In the rain, Eugenie. It's my rain hat.

Is that - is she actually wearing a hat that is totally cute and not at all whackadoo? HOW DARE YOU, MADAME!?!?


See what I mean, dear readers? Up is down, left is right, Beatrice exercising decent levels of sartorial taste. I'm not sure I want to live in a world like this. Please, I need something, anything to make me feel that life is worth living!

Close but not quite there yet.... I need something a little stronger....

MUCH BETTER.

Theatre Nerds Activate! Form Of: LES MIZ

Let's talk about Spotify for a moment, shall we? It's awesome but I have this eensie problem that it automatically broadcasts what songs I choose to hear on Facebook. Not that I actually have any streetcred, but I feel like I can't really listen to thing that's been banging around in my head all week because it's so so nerdy. A friend advised me last night that I could probably "make it cool" by "owning it" but I don't know about that. Because seriously, you guys? I just want to listen to the original cast recording of Les Miserables. You know why, right?

BLAMMO!

Let me dispense with pretense - I watched the trailer and instantly tapped into my inner 13 year old. Oh man, I cannot wait to see this movie! Okay, fine, I have serious reservations about Russell Crowe as Javert and I'm not totally buying Anne Hathaway's dirty whore makeup in the trailer and who the hell is Samantha Banks and all that...BUT. But it's Les Miz and it's Hugh Jackman, which gives me hope, and it's going to be beautifully produced. That's a good thing.

I saw Les Miserables a few times as a teenager (you know, before I got into straight plays and started pretending that I had no love for musicals). The second time I saw it, I cried so hard when [SPOILER ALERT] Eponine dies that I shook the three rows of seats around me. My parents were very embarrassed*. Later, I saw it again on a high school language classes trip where I did not realize my friend didn't know what happened in the second act and made a comment at intermission along the lines of, "I'd better get some tissues or Eponine's going to drown in my tears instead of getting shot." He looked at me horrified and said, "Eponine dies?!" I think I replied, "What? Nooooooo of course not." At the fateful moment he turned around in his seat and glared at me. Sorry, Colin, sometimes life isn't fair. (Also, sometimes I am a jerk who spoils plot points.)

So, those of you like me - what do you think of the trailer? Looks good? Looks crappy? Can we safely bet that some younger Fanning sister will be young Cosette? Are you also dreading having to hear stupid "Castle On A Cloud" for the millionth time? Why does that song suck so much when the rest of the music is so beautiful? Will the frontman of 30 Odd Foot of Grunt or whatever it's called be able to handle "Stars"? Can Hugh Jackman really hit the notes in "Bring Him Home"? Do we think Karen Smith, boob-based weather reporter, can sell "A Heart Full of Love"? There's only one thing I know for sure - I'm bringing tissues.

*Note: I have not stopped embarrassing my parents, even in my 30s. My dad picked me up from the PATCO station the other day to take me to the dentist and was horrified that as he pulled up I was standing just outside the station brushing my teeth. WHAT!? I can't go to the dentist without having brushed immediately beforehand.

Paging Carol Ann

They're baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Ellen Fein and Sherie Schnieder, authors of The Rules, are back! The women who wrote some of the most popular and infamous dating books of the 90’s are coming out with a modern-take on dating called Not Your Mother’s Rules, which hits bookstores in February of 2013.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh for the love of all that is good, why why why do we need more Rules!? It's basically the same, except expanded to deal with dating websites and Facebook and stuff. From the masterminds:

A woman cannot email, or even wink at a guy’s profile, without becoming the aggressor and possibly getting hurt down the line when the guy dumps her for the woman whose profile he really likes. The only way to be sure that a guy is interested is to let him make the first move. If you have something exceptional in common, he has to notice that, and contact you first.

Welp, I guess I screwed that one up. Sorry, lovely boyfriend o'mine, it looks like this whole being in love thing is a sham. It's too bad, really, but that's what Ellen and Sherie say and their word is gold. Also, see you tonight at 7.

You guys, I just don't think I can re-read The Rules when it comes out. I really, really can't do it. It made me so angry the first time around and I'm trying very hard to eliminate unnecessary stress in my life.

Speaking of unnecessary stress, last night my roommate and I thought we heard someone trying to open the back door to our house. I was watching The Wire (best show ever, duh) which of course made me pretty sure that Omar was in my backyard. Now, I love Omar but I don't ever want him looking for me.

What does one do in this situation? We froze. Then we grabbed our stuff and went over to our next door neighbor's house and asked to check the back yard. It was empty, the door was closed. When we went back to our own place feeling slightly more at ease, we checked the back yard. We both remembered the windows on the screen door being open ... but now they were closed. CRAP. So of course then we had to check the whole house - the basement, our rooms, everything. I said, "Grab something!" I grabbed a pilsner glass, thinking I could break it over someone's head (probably not, though, now that I'm thinking about it). My roommate grabbed a knife. Honestly, that scared me even worse! Then we had a hilarious game of chicken about who would go down to the basement first.

The last place we checked was the bathroom. Pulling back the shower curtain was an exercise in bravery. I thought my heart would jump straight out of my chest. This is probably why Pottermore did not sort me into Gryffindor, where live the brave of heart. Nope. Books for me please!

In the end, there was no one there. Liz went to bed, I poured myself a large glass of wine, and continued watching The Wire.

Oh right...

My dear readers, I forgot to tell you that I'm off this week! I'm doing my show, Chlamydia dell'Arte: A Sex-Ed Burlesque in NYC. If you're in the area, we run till Sunday. You can get tickets at www.sexedburlesque.com and if you use the code FRIEND you get $5 off your ticket!

I'll be back next week with some funny stuff for you!