HOLY MOTHER OF GOD

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ANNA WINTOUR IS GOING ON HERE!?

Pleated. Denim. Capris.

PLEATED.

Look, guys. I know we're in a moment (that seemingly will not end) where the 80s and early 90s are so very back. This fall's big trend is brights with brights. (Well, to be honest, that was supposed to be the spring's big trend, as demonstrated by what they did to our dear pretend best friend Tina Fey on the cover of InStyle...


I'm not exactly sure what Tina did to deserve this...)

All things old are new again. Nick at Night is now showing Clarissa Explains It All and I made a bet with one of my best friends that if I make my goal weight by September 1, she and I will wear rompers for the first night of the Fringe Fest. I don't know what I'm supposed to get out of this bet, by the way. If I make my goal I get punished. This has happened before with her - I bet her we wouldn't have a theater set deconstructed in record time and if we did I would buy everyone pizza. So guess what? Everyone worked really fast and really hard and then I had to buy everyone pizza. And now I'm only 4 lbs away with a month to go and it's looking like I will be spending money on a deplorable item of clothing. Someone explain why I make stupid bets with Sara?

All of that aside, I implore you all to NOT fall into the pleated denim capri trap. They are evil and waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy too shay.

Stay tuned

My dear 6 readers, it is crunch time at my day career so I won't be able to post for a couple of days. I know, I know, it's very sad.





Stay tuned. I will be back later in the week.

A small meditation on friendship

Friends will text you because they saw something absolutely silly/ridiculous/bizarre that made them think of you.

Friends will tell you that "those pants are your worst enemy" instead of saying "no, that looks fine!"

Friends stick up for you behind your back.

Friends will buy a milk chocolate orange for you when they see one at CVS because they know you love them (but only the milk chocolate kind!) and that they are hard to find.

Friends will listen to your sob story for the thousandth time and say, "This crap is hard" instead of "Still? You're still thinking this?"

Friends sleep on your hideously uncomfortable futon.

Friends try really hard to convince you that you should listen to a new band/read this amazing book/watch Breaking Bad but understand that you probably won't because seriously: who has time to watch TV shows?

Friends will make your favorite food for parties they know you're attending.

Friends listen to you talk about mistakes you've made and say "perhaps not your finest moment" and forgive you. That way you can forgive yourself.

Friends make time for things both important and stupid.

Friends let you know when you're being too hard on yourself by saying, "Hey! Be nice to my friend! Yeah, that's you!"

Friends know you're on a diet but that you're totally going to want sour patch kids when you go to the beach, so they bring those AND carrots.

Friends ask their friends for help - emotional, physical, spiritual.

Friends respond to those calls for help by teaming up and facing the scary stuff but acting like it's not scary at all. They just sort of look at you from time to time to check in and it's like they are squeezing your hand without drawing attention to the fact that this might be scary for you. And at the end of the night they take the cookies with them to bring to the office because they know that sugar cookies should never go to waste.

Paging DJ Jazzy Jeff

DRUMS PLEASE!



It is summertime in Philadelphia. That means it is approximately a thousand degrees out with six trillion per cent humidity. In other words: pleasant. Even when sitting in central air, just thinking about what it is like outside can make you sweat.


--SIDEBAR--

Do people elsewhere in the country say "central air conditioning" or does everyone just say "central air?"

--END SIDEBAR--


One of the more important questions when it is this hot out is How long can I keep my face in the open freezer without the frozen pizza thawing? Another important question is How can one dress for the hot weather without sacrificing style?

Answer to question a: a lot longer than you think!
Answer to question B: THIS BLOG

Oh and before we dive in, listen: I have a theatre degree and fashion opinions. You probably disagree with me on the fashion opinions and that is fine! We're all friends! Unless, of course, you try to deny that Angels in America is a remarkable and important work of contemporary American drama. That would be a problem with our friendship.



Guys, if you have a business casual type of job, you're kind of screwed. Go for cotton button-down shirts that breathe. The rolled up sleeves look at the end of the day? Yowza! Do that. Also, if you intend to brave the heat during lunch hour or whatever, consider bringing a change of socks for when you get back. The socks will have spent all day in the air conditioned office (if that is the kind of thing you do for work) and when you get back, putting on nice cool socks will feel amazing. Ditto for an undershirt if that's your style.

If you guys can do whatever you want fashion-wise, a nice pair of lightweight shorts and a cotton tshirt is the winner. You might think that dark colors are best if you are super sweaty, but sometimes your sweat is really salty and it leaves a trace on your dark shirt once you cool off again. Think about something white, yellow, pink... something light.

As for casual dude footwear, I am of the opinion that most dudes can pull off NICE flip flops. Not shower shoes, but actually good-looking, well-maintained flip flops.

Let's review: Cute. Not cute.

I hate pedicures but I hear they are becoming very popular for the menfolk, so don't be shy. Some places will even give you beer or wine or something! Seriously! There is a place in Rittenhouse, on 18th, that promises booze with manicures and pedicures. Don't ask me why I haven't been there yet - I guess I just keep forgetting that I could have lovely nails and free booze all at once.

A word on linen anything: yes, it's very breezy but it dissolves into wrinkles if you even look at it the wrong way. If you sit for most of the day, don't attempt it. If you're going to be standing around being dashing all day, indulge in the linen. Just make sure you are fully covered underneath because guess what? You can see through light linen in direct sunlight! (Unless, I suppose, you are like "my balls are awesome and everyone should see them!")

Ladies, in this kind of heat we have one option: dresses. Well, dresses and skirt + top. Linen, again, is supremely wrinkle-prone and isn't a great option in my opinion. Something that doesn't cling to the body too much, doesn't show too much sweat, and doesn't trap heat is exactly what you want. Effortless and breezy - that's what we're going for in the dog days of summer. My main thing is to look adorable and not have anyone pass me on the street thinking, "She must be sweltering in that." I picked a couple of frocks from Mod Cloth as a guide.

Hello, I was put on this earth to be the perfect sundress to wear in 100 degree heat. Sure, it looks a little bit like an apron, but in a totally kitschy-fun way. I would do a delicate little necklace with this because if you try to throw gigantic earrings with it, they will compete with the ruffle and you'll look like you don't have a neck. I would pair this with ballet flats.

A quick word about shoes: shower-style flip flops shouldn't be seen other than in your college communal bathroom or at the beach. I really believe this. There are so many cute sandals out there and so many super cute ballet flats that are affordable - please don't make the mistake of looking fetching only from your ankles up.

Hello, I would like to hide your sweat stains. Bright and eye-catching prints were put on this earth to help mask underarm and underboob sweat marks. This is a little tighter to the body than you'd want in the crazy heat but ohmygod it's so cute. You could wear this in the evening when it's slightly cooler. A string of pearls might straddle the line between classic and way too twee, but I'm sure with confidence you could pull it off.

Hello, I am adorable, cotton, and flattering to all. Bright sandals and the biggest hoop earrings you can find. Done. And it looks like it never has to be ironed! Double win!

You'd think that maybe a maxi dress would be the perfect thing, but I find they trap air under there which just leads to sweaty lady parts.

Oh! One last thing: girls and boys! I am serious when I say if you know you're going to be sweating to bring a change of underwear with you (just stashed in your bag or something if you can). You know you sweat a lot around your hey-how-ya-doin, and sweating encourages yeast infections. The last thing you need in this heat is a damn yeast infection on top of everything else!






UPDATED TO ADD THIS INFORMATION FROM GIGI WHO WAS UNABLE TO COMMENT!
Linen does wrinkle easily, but it also un-wrinkles in about 5 seconds in humidity. So if you choose linen and find yourself a rumpled mess, a walk around the block will fix that in a jiffy, especially if you spray yourself lightly with water in advance. This is why people in the south of France wear linen all the time.


AGAIN!

Jogging in Lipstick: Rules 31-35

Welcome to the final installment of the original [gangster] Rules. You’ve worked hard to get here, and I hope this will help you on your way to that blessed proposal. All block quoted slices of genius belong to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, may they forever be thanked in our big fat whore hearts.

Rule 31:

Don’t Discuss The Rules With Your Therapist

Basically:
They “strongly suggest” you not talk about The Rules with your therapist for a number of reasons, most of them being that your therapist will be like ‘Oh girl. Oh no.’ The three reasons listed for not telling your therapist are:
1. Your therapist might think they are deceitful or manipulative.
2. Your therapist probably doesn’t know that you are prone to throwing yourself at men.
3. If you talk about it with your therapist you will have to debate the intrinsic worth of The Rules and your resolve may weaken.

Wonder why?

BS Meter:
How many Rules have been about keeping this to yourself so you don’t have to defend it? The BS Meter is high on this one, mostly because they know it’s not a good system but they’re telling you to do it anyway.

Points of Interest:

Self-improvement is great—we can all be better in many areas. But self-improvement still won’t get you the relationship you want. […] Simply being a better person won’t get you the man of your dreams. You have to do The Rules!

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Therapy is great! I am a believer! But you have to tell your therapist everything, even the stuff about throwing yourself at men. And then you work through stuff and start feeling better about yourself. And then you get to the point where you like yourself and have self-respect and then you don’t need an egg timer to tell you when to get off the phone with a man.

Rule 32:

Don’t Break The Rules

Basically:
This is the longest chapter in the book. It’s like they can feel you slipping away, so it’s just chock-a-block with horror stories of girls who started out strong and then ended up breaking Rules (initiating sex and writing their boyfriends “love poetry” – I swear it says love poetry) and then guess what happened? NO RING. HEARTBREAK. BEGGING. SINGLE TOWN, POPULATION: GIRLS WHO BREAK THE RULES.

BS Meter:
It’s not so much BS as just flat out desperate, mean scare tactics. This chapter tipped me over the edge from “this is a really stupid book that is fun to laugh at” to “oh my god, there are women who believe them and this is really mean and sad.”

Points of Interest:

So the answer to the question, “Will he still marry me if I break The Rules? is, sorry to say, “Maybe yes, but most likely, no.” So why take a chance?


Don’t make him a birthday party or give him an expensive gift, don’t mention children, don’t patch things up with his family, don’t ask him out, and try not to call him very often. Basically, don’t push yourself into his life or you won’t be his wife! [emphasis mine – meg]

So when you think that not calling him and other Rules are rude and hurtful, remember you are in fact helping him want you more. The Rules are actually good for him. So don’t go by your feelings, just do The Rules.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Certainly recognize if you fall into harmful relationship patterns but don’t let a mean, stupid book dictate how you live your life. This goes for The Rules AND for particularly nasty sections of the Old Testament.

Rule 33:

Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After

Basically:
The Rules are hard, so here is some incentive! 20 things listed that will happen if you do this program! And 5 things that WON’T happen if you do the program!

BS Meter:
I love how they dangle the carrot of results that cannot be guaranteed! This book just gets better and better.

Points of Interest:
Some of the things you can look forward to:

8. He gets angry when you don’t pay attention to him. He wants your constant attention and companionship. […] He wants to do everything with you!

Wait, for real? Am I supposed to be excited about this? He’s going to get angry with me when I’m hanging out with a friend and I can never do my own thing?

14. He always wants the phone number of where you are so he can get in touch with you.

Again, this is the list of what to look forward to.

Let’s move on to what WON’T happen if you do The Rules

2. No outside counseling. He has no interest in couples therapy. […] Ultimately, he finds most things about you adorable. He doesn’t feel the need to consult a professional to talk about his feelings.

Those angry feelings when you aren’t paying attention to him? No need to address those at all.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
You know, I can give you 20 reasons why you shouldn’t do The Rules, but I think we’re just shooting fish in a barrel at this point. Maybe if the fish hadn’t wanted to go to all those dances with us it would be different…

Rule 34:

Love Only Those Who Love You

Basically:
The Rules helps you not chase people who are not interested in you.

BS Meter:
I can’t believe I’m going to say this but you know, that’s kind of a good policy. Recognize that you are great, only be with people who agree with you 100%, and you’ll be fairly happy.

Points of Interest:

Now we like love to be easy. We go to a dance or a party and we don’t have to work at all. We just show up, do The Rules, and whoever likes us, likes us, and who doesn’t? We accept whatever happens. We’re laid back and confident.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Let me just rephrase that without The Rules and without going to a dance. We go to a party, be our fabulous selves- warts and all – and whoever likes us, likes us, and who doesn’t? Forget them, we’re fabulous.

Rule 35:

Be Easy to Live With

Basically:
Once you get the blessed proposal, now your job switches from playing hard to get to playing super laid back, patient, considerate, and kind. Even when you’re being underappreciated. Oh, and there are a few more Rules for married life, like don’t go looking for evidence that he’s cheating on you, don’t open his mail, don’t scream too much, always show “utter contentment” with your life, let him do whatever he wants, and make time for a healthy sex life. Obvs, on his terms only, remember!

BS Meter:
UGH. First, I thought we were supposed to be off the hook when we got married. Weren’t we supposed to be allowed to have faults and stuff? Then, wait, weren’t we supposed to be acting like we are single once we’re married? Wasn’t that a previous Rule? So now we need to play hard to get and super laid back all at the same time? I’m so confused!

Points of Interest:

On any given day, try to remember that an attitude of gratitude can go a long way. On bad days, try to remember the reasons you married your husband. In the middle of a fight with your husband, stop and recall all those bad blind dates, the seemingly endless search for Mr. Right.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
For the love of all that is good and true, don’t do The Rules!

UGH.

My space bar was broken most of the day, my dear 6 readers, and I just didn't have the patience to write a post withallofthewordslookinglikethis and then go back and fix it. I'M ONLY HUMAN WITH THE PATIENCE OF A GNAT!

Anyway, to make it up to you we're doing The Rules tomorrow and guess what? It's the last five OG Rules! Don't worry, there is a whole other book after that, which will probably get us through the summer. But still, as Boyz II Men once said, it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.


Oh, and if you are still on the Neville Longbottom Is A Stud Now kick, you can thank Ms. Mix for this hilarious article- Neville Longbottom: WILF. (You can suss out what WILF means.) Let me just say I had to stuff my fist in my mouth to keep from belly laughing in my very quiet office. ENJOY!

Harry Potter Fashion Rundown

Since you seemed to get such a kick out of the magical transfiguration of Neville Longbottom, my dear 6 readers, and since I am RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED about the release of HP7.2 I thought we would have a little Harry Potter red carpet fashion commentary today. There is nothing like combining dorky pleasures!

The Good

HBC!

Hell yes. You know I love me some HBC and this is no exception. She looks phenomenal in the [unwrinkled!] green silk but stays true to her HBC ways with a crappy bag and cray cray head adornment. Stay gold, HBC!

Emma Watson!

I love the construction (obvs, it's Oscar dlR...), though I wish the skirt was a different, less dingy color. I really love this with the jacket.

Work it, girl!

Jason Isaacs!

Lucius Malfoy? More like Luscious Malfoy! Nice job matching your blacks, sir! I have a really hard time getting black tops and bottoms to match up, so I can't even imagine how hard it must've been to match a black shirt to a black jacket. Although... are we Napoleon? Let's rethink that pose.

Imelda Staunton!

You cannot see it very well in this photo but the fabric is a gorgeous green and navy plaid taffeta. HATE those shoes, though. All wrong.

Evanna Lynch!

Cute as a button, totally gets away with such a tiny dress because she is so young and tiny herself, adds a bit of interest with some truly terrifying/awesome shoes. Go girl.

Daniel Radcliffe!

Very nicely put together, D-Rad. Very proud of you, young man.

and here you go, horndogs...
Matthew Lewis! Again!

Dig the chain! Classic!

The Meh

Clemence Poesy!

It looks like her head and legs were pasted onto someone else's body. Too much volume all around, though still pretty .

Ralph Fiennes!

Forget losing his nose to play Voldemort. Ralph Fiennes' most horrifying transformation is from sexy Hollywood star into unremarkable CEO of a boring investment company. Nice suit, but wasn't that the same tie on Kevin Costner's corpse at the beginning of The Big Chill?

Julie Walters!

Obviously, Mrs. Weasley is the bomb, but this jacket is just a little too much "cruise ship" for me with the random sequined embellishments. Still, she looks pretty great.

Tom Felton!

Another one to file under "jail bate." Looking very snazzy here (and very much like the younger, Britisher version of Owen Wilson) but jeez, Tom, you couldn't even shave for the British premiere of your movie?

Helen McCrory!

The original choice for Bellatrix and eventual Narcissa Malfoy is either wearing very boring and slightly cheap-looking red carpet attire, or she's angling to be cast in the West End musical version of Bedazzled.* If the latter...Helen McCrory you are hired!

The Bad

Rupert Grint and Emma Watson!

I'm not sure where this happened but I hate it. Why? Because his clothes don't fit and she looks about 45. I do like her haircut, though. We will not speak of Ronald's hair.

Robbie Coltrane!

Answering once and for all my question about pairing black with navy blue.

Bonnie Wright and Jamie Campbell Bower!

I can't think of a single thing right about this. In fact EVERYTHING is wrong here.
1. Unfortunate, sheer prairie shirt paired with unflattering [wrinkled] satin skirt.
2. Bad lipstick and too much eye makeup.
3. Fiancé dressed like Weekend Casual David Lee Roth.
4. Fiancé strange shade of orange.
5. The fact that Ginny Weasley is going to marry Gellert Grindelwald.

Natalia Tena!

Oh honey, I mean, there's "quirky" and then there's "cannot dress self." (I would like to borrow her boots, though.)

Dame Maggie Smith!

Why is it that ladies of a certain age default to the "New-Age-y Professor Emerita" look? Why is it that the fabulous Maggie Smith is wearing a coat a full 3 sizes too big? These are the questions that plague me in the middle of the night.

J. K. Rowling!

Oh girl. Oh no. I-- yeah... no words.

Rupert Grint!

Okay now we're going to talk about the hair. What in the name of Godric Gryffindor is going on up there!? And did he let Maggie Smith help him pick out his suit jacket or something? Ugh. All wrong! Go home and try again!

Phelps Twins!

sung to the tune of the Beach Boys' classic, "Caroline, No":
Where did your red hair go
Where are the studs we used to know
How could you lose that ginger glow?
Oh Weasley twins, no

The Trio!

First, let me start by saying the construction of Emma Watson's dress is really cool. That is the end of the positive comments.
Rupert: hem the pants, cut the hair, what is the print on that jacket?
D-Rad: That shirt is a terrible, terrible mistake.
Hermione: I know you can do it, I saw you wear the locket all through HP7.1. My dear 6 readers, do I even need to say it?




*Please god don't let there be a musical made out of Bedazzled.

The 5 Kinds of Underwear Women Own

I received a hilarious text yesterday from a friend proclaiming that it was time to face the facts that she has no idea what bra size she wears. I can't help her because I'm having the same conundrum lately. And I know I should go to some fancypants shop and get measured but it just seems like such a hassle. This text got me thinking about undergarments and so I present to you:

The 5 Kinds of Underwear Women Own

I Am About To Get My Period Like Any Minute
Cotton, busted and possibly frayed elastic, wan peach color or similar.

Oh My God It Is So Hot I Can't Believe I Have to Wear Clothes
Cotton, a little bit loose, preferably white because somehow the idea of dark colors attracting the sun applies to undergarments as well as tshirts. For some women, this might mean thongs because there is less fabric.

I Am Awesome and Quirky - The Day Is Mine!
Flattering cut with cute stripes or an ironic phrase on the front or back. Could also be some sort of retro thing. I knew one girl who could fit into boys' Spiderman underoos. I was really jealous of her.

Someone Else Will See These but Has Seen Everything Before
Black, flattering to butt.

Someone Else Will See These for the First Time!
Also known as Five Minute Underwear. Uncomfortable but pretty. Can really only be worn for a maximum of 15 minutes. You know those old movies where the sultry lady says "Let me slip into something more comfortable?" With the exception of Annette Bening in The American President, that "something more comfortable" is almost never comfortable at all.


Annette, you win.

Ladies and gentlemen... Matthew Lewis

Your Friday is winding down. Huzzah! Just to give you that last push into the weekend, I want to give you the true story of magic at Hogwarts: Neville Longbottom and the Transfiguration Lesson of the Day!

BEFORE

just looking like a random British kid...

AFTER

GUUUUUUH


Before you rush off to Google "Matthew Lewis + birth year," I'll tell you right now: 22. Swoon away!


You know, I shouldn't be surprised. Age has done wonders for me, too!

BEFORE


AFTER

Progression of Male Celebrity Crushes

This delightful article on Brando over at The Hairpin is a little bit less about Hollywood scandal than it is about "seriously, you guys: Brando. AmIright!?" I was struck by one paragraph in particular...

But as evidenced so thoroughly above, Brando was also spectacularly, ruinously handsome. And while he certainly inspired no small amount of teen squeals, he was no teen idol. He left that job to James Dean, who was busy mimicking the Brando scowl and mumble. Crucially, Dean was also more accessible to girls still ambivalent enough about actual sex that they want their objects of affection feminine-faced and shiny, looking like they’ve just come from a facial and an eyebrow wax. (See also Zac Efron, young Leonardo DiCaprio, and David Cassidy.)

It makes so much sense, but I never thought of it before! I started to think about my Hollywood crushes over the years to see if I could find any sort of journey from feminine-featured to, you know, MAN... and then I decided you should come along with me on this (sometimes unfortunate) trip down memory lane. Enjoy the ride!

Okay, so we start with Eddie Furlong. I loved him. I also loved this kid Jared in my grade school who looked just like him oh my god.

Totally still hot... you know, if you're in 8th grade.

Next I made the logical jump to Gilbert Blythe because I was/am a girlnerd.

Gil will always be my #1 main man. I don't need marble arches...you know the rest.

Girlnerdery continued down literature-adapted-for-screen road right to the feet of one very feminine Christian Bale.

Spoiler alert: Every time I watch this movie I yell at Jo when she refuses Laurie.

Then, I suppose I started growing up a little, though I think this era of Depp was a bit feminine-tinged.

Still totally hot, though.

Oh man and then I saw RENT on Broadway and fell deeply and irrevocably in love with Taye Diggs.

I imagine that simply by existing in this world Taye Diggs has restored many a groove.

UGH, I suppose I have to admit to this. Freshman year of college? Definitely had a gigantic Ben Affleck poster in my dorm room.

It's okay, I'm rolling my eyes at myself too.

Then I saw the film version A Streetcar Named Desire for the first time and I was pretty much convinced that I had never actually seen a man before in my life. Affleck who?

Obviously, we nicknamed Streetcar-era Brando "Liquid Sex."

I think perhaps Brando may have been the shift because for a while I was like "Handsome and rugged, please!"

I refuse to reimburse you because you shorted out your laptop drooling over Ken Watanabe...mostly because I have to get mine replaced too.

Oh right! And then I couldn't get over accents, specifically Liam Neeson's.

The craggier he gets, the better he gets. Crows feet on men, amIright!?

I think then I had a moment of drooling over celebrities closer to my age, like sweet sweet Mos Def.

Hot AND funny AND musically inclined? Yes please.

Oh god, and then Kal Penn. I adore Kal Penn. ADORE.

Hot AND funny AND has met the President. Neat!




In the end, you can fall in and out of love a million times, but there's always the one with whom you'd like to grow old.

Mine happens to have a tattoo that says "Wino Forever." Not only hilarious, but practical and maybe true.




That wasn't too embarrassing! Luckily I didn't trace through my rock and roll crushes. Because I mean, when you start here:

...and move on to various members of the Monkees.... yeah, there's no recovering from that.

Why Everyone Should Eat More Pork Belly

Because it is DELICIOUS.

This morning I posted to Facebook a query of what I should talk about on WTS today. I got a few suggestions, including the title of this post. Let's go through them, shall we?

Pork Belly

My favorite pork belly dish in the city was at Chew Man Chu, which has sadly closed its doors. I had an amazing bahn mi with pork belly a few months ago but I can't remember where and that is KILLING ME. The 10 Hour Pork 'Kakuni’ at Morimoto is a real can't-miss. And my friends Anthony and Rosey have both been experimenting with their own pork belly adventures. That exhausts my knowledge of pork belly - but not my enthusiasm!

To iron or not...

Here's the thing: I don't mind ironing but it's a hassle. What I try hard to do is get the laundry out of the dryer immediately and then put the things that wrinkle hardcore on hangers in my closet as fast as possible. That's not always practical, which is why I usually am dragging a tshirt into the bathroom with me before a shower. This morning I was torn between 2 shirts to wear with my black pencil skirt: a green v-cut stripey shirt and a white classic t. I put them both on hangers and hung them outside the shower curtain and closed the window. I took a steamy shower and decided that the white shirt had relaxed more wrinkles than the green, so that is what I wore today. Fashion decisions! Obviously, I had to jazz it up a bit so today I am experimenting with a tucked in shirt under pencil skirt and a gigantic green beaded necklace. I think it's working for me.

Pop culture. Anything celebrityish.

I can tell you that at the very least I know one person who will be very glad to have Casey Novak back in the courtroom on SVU. I am completely devastated that Chris Meloni is leaving the show, though I suppose that will give him more time to fondle his sweaters and hump his fridge.

In other pop culture news, I watched Access Hollywood last night for about as long as I could stand it before my brain leaking out of my ears. They were doing a feature on stunning celeb transformations featuring Jordin Sparks, Jennifer Hudson, Sara Rue, and Kelly Osborn. After basically showing footage of all of the women in bikinis (except JHud because she is classy like that) they went on to exclaim over how much weight each woman lost in a way that really sounded a lot like "CAN YOU BELIEVE WE LIKED THEM EVEN WHEN THEY WERE FATTIES!?" I turned it off when the pre-commercial teaser promised they would come back with the verdict on who had the MOST stunning transformation. I think all of them were hot before and after and I can't figure out why it has to be a competition.

That said, the vintage bathing suit Sara Rue was wearing in this "feature" was absolutely adorable and I covet it. Also her hair. I covet her hair.

How to pack for a 10 day trip...

Yeah right, as if I know. When I went to Chicago I was not prepared for it to be 40 degrees and raining the whole time. Here is a photo of me putting on socks ON THE STREET to wear with my OPEN TOED SHOES so I could be warm.



Not the highest fashion moment of my life.

Questions, questions

Last week I decided I was going to defy all of the color laws I have always known and pair a black tshirt with a brown skirt. "Screw it," I thought, "this will look awesome!" And honestly, it would have if the skirt didn't hit me in exactly the wrong place. Which is really a shame because I've loved that skirt for years and yes, it's kind of polyester, and yes, I have to safety pin it closed so that the front will lay flat but... okay, I'm getting rid of the skirt. You convinced me.

I always thought never mix black and brown, shoes/belt/purse must match, black stockings with black shoes, etc. Thank god for Stacy and Clinton and their "color, pattern, texture, shine" mantra. I don't always stick to those rules but when I do want to shake things up wardrobe-wise, I find them helpful.

The first rule I broke was black stockings with black shoes. I think it just looks matronly on me. I am SO TIRED of sheer black pantyhose. In summer, I like a bare leg. In the winter I actually prefer pantyhose that have a little bit of shine or shimmer to them, because that makes me feel like Tina Turner. And honey, when you feel like Tina Turner you can do anything. The next rule to go was shoes/belt/purse matching. I'm now anti-matchy-matchy. It's way more fun to mix metallic[a]s. I only usually wear a belt with dresses or with the curvy jeans I got from the Gap which fit my lovely and robust hips but tend to slip from my waist.

Just as there is no perfect partner, I have found that there are no perfect jeans... for under $60.

Now I am excited to explore the brave world of brown and black together! I am thinking I will try again this week with my brown capri pants (you heard me: capri pants) (I am short and they look cute on me) and a black tshirt. Maybe a patterned black tshirt. ooh WATCH OUT!

But I have a question for you, my dear readers: Seriously? Are we doing navy and black together? Isn't that, what is the word I'm looking for... crazy?! Is it? Or should I just try it and see what happens? Will I hate everything and feel like I'm wearing a sign that says "Cannot Dress Self" all day? Do you do navy and black? Inquiring mind wants to know!

Jogging in Lipstick: Rules 26-30

Oh my god. I didn't post any Rules in June. I truly did not realize it had been that long! What did you do without The Rules!? Were you all running around not wearing any makeup, seeing your love interest multiple times a week, talking on the phone for hours, asking for what you want in bed? Well, me too. HIGH FIVE! But now it's time to get back on track!!! As usual, all block quoted text belongs to the minds behind the madness, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.

*Ahoy! Thar be triggers below! Proceed with caution!*

Rule 26:

Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules

Basically:
Oh ho ho, The Rules don't stop once you obtain "the blessed proposal," oh no! Even if you're in a committed relationship, you must still dress prettily, refrain from initiating sex (!), refrain from calling him unless it's practical, "act independent," and take up a hobby.

Unfortunately, doing The Rules sometimes means acting single (even if you're married with children) all over again. Just be grateful you're not!

BS Meter:
Wait a minute, I thought the whole point of this crap was to get married so you didn't have to be single anymore! Now it's get married so you don't have to be single anymore but you have to act single? Also, didn't they promise us that once you get the ring you can have faults and stuff? And initiate sex? Hrmph.

Points of Interest:

If you didn't to The Rules at the beginning of your relationship, your husband might ignore you, talk to you rudely, or treat you badly. [...]Abuse doesn’t happen in a Rules relationship because when you play hard to get and he works like hell to get you, he thinks you're the most beautiful, wonderful woman in the world, even if you're not. He treats you like a precious jewel.

"He treats you like a precious jewel." Implied: even if you're not. But wait a minute here, can we take stock for a moment because we have a big list piling up of what will happen if you don't do The Rules. You will end up sad and lonely, get raped, and now you'll be a victim of spousal abuse. I'm also willing to bet I could disprove their assertion that women who follow this book are not abused.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Always be yourself and then you won't have to remember to be someone else whether you are friends, dating, engaged, or married. It's really easy, though sometimes that means you end up freaking out at your partner about not having made enough taco dip for the barbeque EVEN THOUGH YOU TOLD HIM A MILLION TIMES THAT 20 PEOPLE WERE COMING!

Rule 27:

Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends and Parents Think It's Nuts

Basically:
"We know this shit is crazy and so does everyone else, but don't let them tell you that until we've made our money, okay?"

They suggest you find other women who do The Rules and talk to them when you feel like calling your man, so that you don't end up talking to your friends or family who will tell you that The Rules is insane. Also, if said friends or family tells you that The Rules is insane, you are not supposed to defend it - just smile and change the subject.

BS Meter:
You know how on automatic cars there is a gear shift dial and 6 and 7 are marked in red like "this is very not good for your car but it can TOTALLY do this"??? We're at 7.

Points of Interest:

If you can't find any like-minded women to support you in doing The Rules, just read this book a lot, carry it around in your purse to refer to on long supermarket lines, and practice what you read as much as possible. Believe us, if you do The Rules, you'll be too busy dating your future husband to care or even think about what anyone else is doing or what anyone else thinks of what you are doing.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Um, don't do The Rules.

Rule 28:

Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in High School

Basically:
Even if you are in high school, you could stand to lose a few pounds, get rid of your acne, always stay busy, act like a lady, and not ask boys out. They'll ask YOU!

BS Meter:
Man, high school is hard enough without trying to do The Rules on top of everything else. There are a couple of good points here, though (for real!):
* If you decide to have sex, condoms are your friends.
* Don't do drugs or get drunk all the time
* Don't let your boyfriend sway your choice of college.

Points of Interest:

Spend your babysitting money on manicures and some pretty clothes. Wear makeup, but not too much. The idea is to look pretty, not overdone.

Read: whorey.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
That last little tip about not letting a boyfriend sway your choice of college is key. If yours is a love for the ages, you'll stay together and then you'll have a blessed proposal and all will be well. But most likely you'll break up after Columbus Day once you've seen each other again and determined a)there are so many fish in the sea and some of them come from Not Your Hometown, or b)one of you is gay. That's pretty much how it goes. So don't get stuck at a school just because you couldn't imagine not going to college with the person you dated in high school.

Rule 29:

Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College

Basically:
Don't gain weight. Don't get date raped. (SERIOUSLY. IT BASICALLY SAYS THAT.) Be social. Study. Wear makeup.

BS Meter:
This one is kind of all over the place but with a major mean-girl flavor. A lot of the advice has to do with not being a puppy dog, trying to make boys you like notice you. That's kind of okay. But a lot of it has to do with your appearance. NOW: Looking back on some photos of myself in college, yeeeeeah. I could have probably done without wearing the same shirt every other day and/or washing my hair more often. That probably would have been good.

Points of Interest:

Pick a major and a career goal. College is not about picking up your MRS degree, although you may very well meet your future husband on campus. Still, you must exercise your brain, both for his sake and yours. Don't be a ditz!

Suggested career goal: writing a best-selling book about getting a man to marry you.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
College is fantastic. Work hard, play hard, avoid drugs and alcohol from people you don't know (even when free), use condoms. But really: work harder than you play.

Rule 30:

Next! and Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection

Basically:
No wallowing! No sadness! Practice saying "his loss!" and then go out looking fabulous.

BS Meter:
On the scale of crazy Rules this one isn't so bad. I hate to say it, but after the end of my long term relationship, I endeavored to try to always look put together when I left the house. However, that also somewhat coincided with starting this blog and now everyone judges everything I wear all the time and makes comments if I'm not wearing a necklace, so this could be a chicken and egg scenario.

Points of Interest:

By behaving around men in a Rules way - independent and busy, not needy or aggressive - we do not put ourselves in a position to be hurt.

Because we're unfeeling automatons.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Rejection and breaking up sucks but whiskey RULES. Whiskey with awesome friends RULES EVEN MORE. That's the kind of Rules I like!