Attention Dudes: Cut Your Hair

My dear readers, I know I still owe you the Grammys fashion rundown, but I got really burned out by back-to-back Major Red Carpets and I'm just now recovering. I was ALSO going to do a fashion rundown of the State of the Union for laughs, but I couldn't think of anything funny to say. Also, all you need to know is this:

...because Biden.

And I truly intended to start the Grammys this week, but then the Olympics started and I got all worked up about human interest stories and impossible feats of athleticism and Shaun White. You guys, every four years I get worked up about Shaun White. He's like sexy leap year. I love gingers to begin with and he's adorable and goofy and charming and really amazing at his sport.

The other day, following an epic brunch, I was watching some Olympics coverage with my girls and Shaun White was mentioned. Obvs, I sighed at the thought of the Flying Tomato. In my mind's eye, I remembered this:

Adorable Shaun White with his flowing locks of ginger perfection. But, looking at the television I was treated to this:

HELLO NURSE.

Here's the deal: I love long hair. Long hair is great. But this. This haircut. On this man. Holy moly. I've been thinking about this a lot (alone, in my room, at night) (just kidding) (no I'm not) and thus I say to you, men: CUT YOUR HAIR. I guess this really applies to white dudes, since those are the dudes I thought immediately of, so I'll amend. White dudes: CUT YOUR HAIR. Here are a few more examples for motivation.

Colin Farrell With Long Hair:

Kind of gross. Might be the guy from Creed.

Colin Farrell With Short Hair:

See? Now I don't care if you give me chlamydia.

Chris Hemsworth With Long Hair!

Abercrombie Ken Doll.

Chris Hemsworth With Short Hair!

All of a sudden I'm pregnant.

And importantly, before Shaun White came along, the gold standard in reasons to cut your hair...

Chris Cornell With Long Hair!

Yes, please, I'll take one of everything.

Chris Cornell With Short Hair!

YES, PLEASE, I'LL TAKE FIVE OF EVERYTHING.

I'm not saying a short haircut is the right answer for every dude. There are some people like Jared Leto who really need to keep their locks long and luxurious because otherwise they sort of look like a goober. But gentlemen, just please take a moment to consider the beauty and splendor that can be yours with just a haircut.

SAG Awards 2014: The WTF!

Okay, my dear readers, we're finally wrapping up the SAGs! It'll be onto the Grammys after this... pending the appearance of a tiny little joke treat for you that may or may not happen tomorrow. No more words on that right now, but mostly just because I don't like to talk politics.

THE WTF

Abigail Breslin!

 Abigail doesn't appear in the category for her outfit, though the train and shrug are both baffling. No, Abigail is here just for the reason that she BLEW MY MIND by not being 12 years old. When did she become an adult lady!?

Mariah Carey!

 1. Why is Mimi at the SAGs? 2. Why is Mimi wearing black sheer stockings? Is that a thing now? AGAIN? 3. Why is Mimi wearing the dress that your misguided coworker wears to the office holiday party? 4. LEATHER GLOVELETS?!

Julia Roberts!

 That. Is. A. Jumpsuit. A pepto pink jumpsuit. With modified platform heels. And a pleated...top part to the jumpsuit. Quite apart for the fact that she is wearing a wide legged jumpsuit, it's a terrible color on her. Then again, you know, her colors are blush and bashful.

HER COLORS ARE PINK AND PINK.

Rita Moreno!

  And now we come to the part of the WTF rundown where I am absolutely delighted. There is an unnecessary belt! There is a bird flower pattern on the skirt! The bodice appears to be embellished with macaroni! And, perhaps best of all, there's a leather toreador jacket that is bedazzled within an inch of its life. No, actually, I take it back. Best of all, she's all, "I dare you to say something. I'm Rita Moreno. I'm a TREASURE." You are, Rita. You are.

SAG Awards 2014: The Bad!

My dear readers, I am so sorry for the unexpected break. I was super sick and had to spend a few days in bed watching gay movies and then balancing it out with a netflix marathon of Say Yes to the Dress. What I'm saying is, I wasn't quite in my right mind and couldn't deliver the fashion commentary you've come to expect from this silly little hobby of mine.

In the meantime, we still have the SAGs to wrap up and then the Grammys happened last night and we are going to need to talk about Madonna and her hearty endorsement of Quaker Oats. Let's do this, Rockapella!

THE BAD

Katrina Bowden!

 It looks shoddy. Just shoddily made. The gold up top looks like an afterthought and that material is just cheap and unflattering. Ugh. When crappy dresses happen to beautiful people.

Gretchen Mol!

 Let's be real: this is the gown version of a mesh football jersey with nothing under it. The post-workout hair doesn't help, nor does the lack of styling present here. Those shoes make my mind go immediately to either an 8 year old playing dress up or old lady orthopedics. Yikes.

Edie Falco!

 Oh dear god. Edie. Mullet dress, drop waist, hideous shoes, bad styling (yes, even with the necklace), and... is that a butterfly pattern? With a large butterfly placed exactly over her flutterby?! Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Michelle Dockery!

 It's like she's the Hulk and busted out of her cater waiter uniform. Nice shoes, though.

Betsy Brandt!

 She looks like she's been recently pollinated. I hope this spells the death knoll for the bold gold on black trend, but alas, I am pretty sure we're going to see it again in a couple of weeks during the Oscars. People love to wear to metallics to the Oscars, especially if they are favorited to win. Be the statue, get the statue, etc.

Melissa Rauch!

 Actress in a bag. She has a handle in the back for easy transportation.

Claire Danes!

 Loyal readers, how many years have I been moaning about Claire Danes' eye makeup? I mean - her makeup artist should have surely been fired by now, yes? As for the dress, it looks like she was trying on one dress and then took a really cool sequined sheath and held it up in front to see how it would look. I wish she had gone with the sequined sheath alone and left the wispy melting snow in the city chiffon behind.

Malin Ackerman!

 What is this I don't even. On a scale of 1 to Patton, this is an 8. THAT'S RIGHT!

Mayim Bialik!

 Okay, we know by now that Blossom has certain constraints on the types of gowns she wears and we definitely take that into consideration. But, honestly, the grieving widow at the OK Corral routine is really not doing it for me. Seriously, that lace was rejected by Liberace for being too gaudy. Mayim, I love you. Talk to Helen Mirren. She does beautiful sleeves and could likely hook you up.

Emma Thompson!

 Emma Thompson is here to lead your rolfing session. Yes, she's wearing pedicure shoes and an octopus peacock, but she's really good.

Meryl Streep!

 What's even happening here? Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A muumuu made of curtains with some VERY RANDOM VERY LARGE elastic bands at the top and... just below the middle? WHYYYYYYYY MERYL!? WHYYYYY?!

Sarah Paulson!

 YOU GUYS. She looks like the doll on top of the toilet paper roll in Mom-Mom's house, right?! You know what? I'm done with Sarah Paulson. She just always disappoints and so I have no other choice except....

You go sit over there with the others until you make a good showing. Thank you for playing.

SAG Awards 2014: The Meh

The update from Philadelphia is this: it snowed a bundle, it's my wonderful roommate's birthday today, and I've got some very Meh dresses for you this morning. The other update is this: depending on my nap schedule, you may or may not see the Bad today. Fingers crossed (but don't call me at 2 just to wake me up). I have a feeling we're going to be in a fight about some of what is about to happen. That's okay because we can disagree and still be friends.

THE MEH

Helen Mirren!

 It actually hurts me to put our Helen in the Meh (there's another painful one coming, be warned). I don't know but there's something very off about this look. We're seeing a lot of black gowns with bold gold embellishments this season (think Julianna Margulies from the Golden Globes) but this one isn't hitting the mark for me. The shimmer in the skirt puts me off a bit and I just don't like the sheer sleeves. More than anything, though, I'd like to murder whoever did that to our Helen's head. Monday night makeup and a football helmet? I said good day, sir.

Ariel Winter!

 I kind of like this dress. It's a new twist on all of the tones of navy we've been seeing and I quite like the draping and pattern. The problem is the fit. Or perhaps the problem is the support garments. I get the feeling with this dress and the Sofia Vergara reject frock we saw on Ms. Winter at the Globes that Miss Thing is trying to announce loudly that She Is An Adult Now. Honeybear, there are ways to do such a thing without doing that to your poor breasts.

Emilia Clark!

 While it's better than past efforts, it's still an utter snoozefest.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

  This is shockingly off the mark for JLD. Here's what I do like about this look: the bag, her nails, the ring. Here's what I'll accept with gritted teeth about this look: her hair and makeup. Both could use some love (namely a different part in her hair and a darker lip shade). Here's what I will not stand for: JLD in an unflattering, boring dress. It does absolutely nothing for her and should have been left on the rack.

Isla Fischer!

 You know, when Courtney Love wore a version of this dress to the Oscars in 1997 it was a huge fashion moment because no one could believe how well she cleaned up. Unfortunately (fortunately?), we all know Isla Fischer to be a charming and beautiful woman who is easily confused with Amy Adams. I get the feeling she was going for Classic Hollywood Glamour. Alas, when fit is off in the length and the bust, the effect is more B Lister than anything else. I'm sorry Isla. Or Amy Adams. Whichever one you are.

Jane Krakowski!

 You know, it wouldn't kill you to have AN accessory, Jane. Love the color, hate the boxy cut and wonky fit, and dear god what I would give to fix her hair. Is it honestly supposed to be mirroring the upward swoop thing on her shoulder? Because EW.

Matthew McConaughey (seen her with Camilla Alves)!

 Men's Warehouse: you're gonna like the way you look... but Meghann won't be impressed. (PS, Camilla, love the draping on your skirt. Please don't call this man wearing upholstery "your king.")

Sandra Bullock!

 Oh, Sandy. This is exhausting. This looks like an outfit one of my barbies had in the 80s, which was clearly modeled off of Dynasty or Dallas or Knots Landing or something else I wasn't allowed to watch. That said, I love her head and adore adore adore adore those shoes. Sandy, give me your shoes. They are beautiful.

Alfre Woodard!

 Not flattering, too long, not a great color, and why are there icicles forming off her boobs? Alfre. I love you. What happened? Help me help you.

Cate Blanchett!

 I figured we should probably bookend this post with the ones that actually cause me pain. It causes me pain to put Cate in the Meh because she is amazing and perfect on the red carpet. (And she still IS amazing and perfect mostly because she called E! out on how they film her.) I do not love this dress, though. The color is great on her, I really like her makeup, but I'M SORRY. I cannot abide the sartorial representation of a napkin tucked into one's shirt. I just CAN'T.

SAG Awards 2014: The Good!

My dear readers, I have a sad story to tell you. I went through a ton of photos and saved them all to my thumb drive the other day....WITHOUT EXTENSIONS. Luckily, it snowed a million inches in Philadelphia already today and I was sent home early from work. That means I was able to re-save all of the photos (after shoveling, obvs). So here I am with a glass of wine on a snow day to bring you The Good! Are you ready? This pile is quite small, actually. The SAGs were not kind to us. Fun game: guess which color is HUGE this year. Spoiler alert: it's navy.

THE GOOD

Lupita Nyong'o!

 Lupita is everything that is good and right with awards season. She has handled every red carpet flawlessly so far. I cannot wait to see what she does for the Oscars. I truly thought that nothing would be better than her Golden Globes dress, but this is absolute perfection. I almost feel like I don't need to feature anyone else in this section... but I wouldn't do that to you.

Jennifer Garner!

 Obviously we all know that I pretend in my head that I'm friends with Jen Garner (and call her Jen). In my head we're having a big glass of wine and high fiving over this major bounceback from the surprise ruffle of death. Obviously, it could use a necklace, but that's okay. I forgive her.

Sarita Choudhury!

 Normally, I don't think I'd like something this fussy but she is wearing the hell out of it! I think she looks fantastic.

Jennifer Lawrence!

  Yes. This. More like this all the time. And with a necklace please. This is what I want the most.

Anna Gunn!

 What a comeback from the Golden Globes! The silly little Breaking Bad bag aside, this is a stunning look. It seems that even she can pull off that athletic neckline... maybe the key is the hair? Or those AMAZING earrings.

Juliette Lewis!

 Perfect. Amazing. Beautiful. Showstopper. Yes. Thank you, Juliette. This is everything I ever wanted.

Mindy Kaling!

 Girlfriend has been hitting it out of the park recently! Someone has a new stylist! Good lord, girl! Get it!

Elisabeth Moss!

 WOW. This is the Elisabeth Moss I've been hoping for. I know most of you disagreed with my take on Betsy's Golden Globes look (I nicknamed her Betsy, by the way), but I think we can all agree that she looks fabulous and confident here. Nitpicky Meg says: CUAN, but that's very small on the overall here.

SIDEBAR: It's interesting to me that we're seeing a lot less prom hair on the red carpet this season and a lot more sleek business hair. I'm not sure I'm totally into the trend, but pleased that it is occasionally executed well, as seen above.

Amy Adams!

  That's what we call "dropping the mic." DAAAAMN.

Anna Chlumsky!

  One day I want an interesting, sexy dress that fits this beautifully. I would have gone for slightly bigger earrings but that's a tiny quibble.

Sofia Vergara!

 Sofia is 2 for 2 on the giant, awesome necklaces! I love the new silhouettes she's been showing this season and I'm really into the wig-like perfection of her hair. I actually kind of hope it actually is a wig so I don't have to feel bad about my own hair for a week.

Oprah!

 Yes, girl, yes. Even with the brooch she stole from Usher, I love this head to toe.

Holly Hunter!

 Simple, clean, lovely.

Morena Baccarin!

 Truth: this neckline is probably my favorite of all time. I love the way it's constructed and draped and it has a little bit of a color surprise with the layered tones. For me, that sets this blue apart from the rest. CUAN, obvs, but not much of one.