Derby Hats 2015!

There are a lot of terribly unsettling things going on in our world right now and while I think you should be reading, say, Ta-Nehisi Coates instead of Way Too Shay, I still feel like there is room in the day to take a break from pain and suffering to look at dumb hats at a fancy horse race. That's what WTS is here for: when you need a moment to be completely frivolous in the midst of making the world better.

Because the thing is: HATE minus the E is HAT and it's time for less hate and more hats.

This one is just plain lazy. Come on, girl. You can't just pin a silk flower on your beach hat and go to the races. Points for the necklace, though.

I saw fewer hats featuring odes to the vagina this year. Fortunately, this one gives us a statement about pubic hair alongside the focal point- let is grow, let it flow, adorn your beautiful flower.

This hat probably took a lot of time for all that detail, but here's the thing with derby hats - no one wants to get up close to read your hat. It's not like Wes Anderson is there combing the crowd looking for a new model set decorator.

This is the hat representation of peaking out from beneath a can-can dancer's skirt.

Don't look so smug, lady. You glued some Bratz dolls on a hat. Who hasn't done that at least once?

Are the horses supposed to be racing each other on this hat? If so, why are they going in different directions? If they are not racing each other, is this a commentary on the necessity of rest and/or perhaps and incisive condemnation of racing as sport?

That hat looks like an amuse bouche.

You can't just give yourself all the awards, lady. That's not how it works. This is why kids today expect praise for every fart.

Turns out you can make those hats look jerkier. Huh.

This hat is the floral centerpiece that made Bob Balaban nervous in A Mighty Wind.

I love it when hats wear hats! But wait: this hat is a picnic basket with a flamingo's head wearing a hat. My brain doesn't even know how to process this sight and that is glorious.

Best hat of the derby. I dare you to find a more intricate, elegant, and thematically-appropriate hat that invokes traditional headpieces of the Vegas showgirls of yesteryear. Brava, lady. You are awesome.

The Heartthrob of My Weekend Mornings

My dear readers, as you probably know (because everyone who reads this thing is actually in my life - hi Mom!) I am in love with a Chelsea soccer football fanatic. I go with him to the bar on weekend mornings (sometimes very, very early) to watch the matches with his crew. They sing songs I don't know the words to, they know what's going on, and generally I have a great time because I enjoy sports and I enjoy a good bloody mary. Sure, there's lot of cutiepies who play soccer football, but there's only one man affiliated with Chelsea for me - their manager José Mourinho.

Look at this handsome summabish!

Every time I watch a match, I'm like, Where's José ?

He is dapper as hell on the pitch! And can apparently perform wandless magic.

 ON MY HEART.

Am I a little bit obsessed with José?

Why am I obsessed with José?

Really!?

Who's the number one hottie manager of the English Premier League?

See you Saturday, sweet stuff!

Attention Dudes: Cut Your Hair: PART DOS

Well well well, what do you know? Another beautiful man has been made more beautiful by the shedding of locks. (Part one in what has now become a series can be found here.) I mean, we know this story right??

and then.... BEHOLD!!!!!!!!

Excellent work, Jared.  Simply excellent. Sexcellent.

A quick note about the first part of this series: I WAS WRONG ABOUT LETO.

Oscars 2015 Fashion Rundown: The WTF!

We're finally here and holy mother of god, do we have some real headscratchers this time around. Have you been wondering where certain people are in the other piles? Look no further fella, you found em!

THE WTF

Marion Cotillard!

From the front, it's fiiiiiiine if a little boring. Initially, I noted the extra fabric behind the waist and wondered if perhaps there was a cape on this dress. I was really excited about the possibility of a cape! Cape-ibility. (I'll show myself out.) And then she turned around...

NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. This is the worst possible outcome when hoping for a cape. Bunchy under-butt bustle? I said good day sir.

David Oyelowo!

Unlike some people I watched the awards with, I have no problem with the color of this tux. It's a gorgeous color on him, though I wish it was just the tiniest bit bigger in the arms. Like by a millimeter. Where is goes seriously WTF for me is the far too bright red vest and bowtie. Why. No really, someone tell me why one would ever pair claret with brick. Or maybe I'm just seeing the wrong color like that hideous dress people keep talking about. Also the lady in red in the back there needs a better bra because she's got the dubble bubble that plagues so many of us.

Keira Knightley!

This is the fashion equivalent of letting your "artistic" friend decorate your cast. Every time I look at this I make the same face. It is this face:


Jared Leto!

hahahahahahahhahahahaha WUT.

No seriously guys. Why is he wearing periwinkle doll clothes with orthopedic shoes and late-career Bee Gees head? The mind reels.

Gwyneth Paltrow!

My brain went: "Uh how boring....wait...a...minute...what's on her...shoul--

-- OH MY GOD IT'S WAY TOO SHAY CHRISTMAS."

Hands down the most insane look of the night in a color she keeps trying to make work. On a scale of One to Patton, this is strangely similar to OG Patton, yes?

Oscars 2015 Fashion Rundown: The Bad!

From curtains to aprons to retro prom gowns, we've got it all here in The Bad. Also, we have one dress that makes my head want to explode. Place your bets now and away we go!

THE BAD

Sienna Miller!

First of all, I generally dislike navy with black, but that's a personal preference. More importantly, why does her dress have lattice work at the bottom? I'm very confused about the vertical piping, especially when paired with the twee velvet bows of death. Basically, I hate this so hard.

Patricia Arquette!

Let's pretend Patty didn't ruin her great "equal pay for women" rah-rah speech with some very non-helpful comments in the press room after. And anyway, the dress. I mean, it mostly fits and it's only half an inch short, so that's okaaaaaay. It's just that it's completely unflattering. I don't get it with her. She either goes boobs berserk or modesty curtains. The cut on the top of this dress does nothing to flatter her, instead making her appear far wider than she is. The hair is an abomination that I shall discuss no further.

Chrissy Teigen (with cutiepie John Legend)!

Honestly, I love her. She's got the greatest reaction face of all time, she's married to the cutiepie of the century, and obviously she's gorgeous. But this dress? With the plunge? And the slit? And the shoes? All I can say is ... oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Nicole Kidman!

Wrapping paper, barbie grandma shoes, the wrongest bag possible, patent leather belt, crappy blowout. All together it looks cheap and thrown together without thought.

Chloe Grace Moretz!

Girlfriend either lost her hands in a tragic blender accident or is trying to hide a pregnancy. Why else in the world would she insist on posing like this on the red carpet and then doing it again during the telecast? Also that dress is frumpy and looks like bedcurtains from Colonial Williamsburg.

Zoe Saldana!

Seriously, like 70% of the girls at my prom wore this. In 1998. The straps are a large part of the problem here. Hate the color, hate the vagina waterfall draping in front, and what the hell is happening with the length of this dress?! (Dig the necklace, though.)

Naomi Watts!

Sexy kitchen apron in the theme of "brick wall leading into Diagon Alley*."

Felicity Jones!

Oh my god you guys I hate this so much it actually makes me angry to look at it. First, that color is terrible on her. Second, omfg the neckline is SO unflattering and SO unnecessary. Third, it looks so heavy and that makes me uncomfortable as a viewer of the fashions. Third it's like it wants to be diamond breastplate fembot Cinderella and all that just makes me .... AAARGGHAGHAHGGHG







*(h/t to Reader Katya for Diagon Alley)

Oscars 2015 Fashion Rundown: The Meh!

Welcome to the Meh, friends. It's pretty hefty this year so buckle up tight and away we go!

THE MEH

Rosamund Pike!

This was very close to being in the Good pile. I kind of love that she went literal on the Rose in her name with this dress. The front is great - interesting construction, excellent detail work, great fit. She starts to lose me with the yoga hair but my real problem is this pop of bright red at the waist. Intrigued, I looked further.

Nope. Waist cinchers go under the dress, not as part of the dress. Makes her butt look nice, though.

Margot Robbie!

This is another almost for me. I love the dramatic sleeves, the big bright lip, and the juxtaposition of floaty gown with blunt hair and makeup. But. The draping on the dress seems a little loose and sloppy, the necklace (while STUNNING) is wrong for this, and the length on the dress is about an inch long for my tastes.

Jennifer Lopez!

This was somewhat shocking from her and it's definitely a pretty gown that fits gorgeously. I wish it was a different color than that of her skin. I also wish that JLo would realize that this neckline is not meant for big bazongas. It just hurts me to look at said bazongas smooshed like this AGAIN. Jenny! Be nicer to your boobs!

Anna Faris!

Pretty but boring (dress not Anna). I'd love to see her hair half up with big tousled waves on bottom and maybe a navy bag.

Eddie Redmayne and Hannah Bagshawe!

Love a navy tux but I find his jacket to be a skosh tight and the size of his bowtie makes his head look enormous. She looks great except for the feathered saddlebags. Those I will never understand.

Kerry Washington!

Her head looks absolutely amazing and the fit is fabulous but other than that it's Grandma's guest bedroom.

Oprah!

 First things first, where the hell was Gayle? What what Steadman doing there? I thought we were done with that little charade. As for the dress, love the construction, hate the color and the matchy matchy earrings. I love Oprah in a deep, bright purple but I would have settled for a dusky rose or even just a darker peach.

Emma Stone!

I am not convinced that she is pulling off this color. Hate the shoes. Love the head and this silhouette on her.

Common!

Did you guys notice that most of the men were wearing brooches? I thought it was quite nice and I hope it's a trend that stays. Common is unstoppably handsome but I'm not loving that bowtie nor do I approve of the hemline on his pants. But don't worry, sir, these are, ahem, common mistakes to make.

Dakota Johnson!

It's fine, it's just kind of boring. I don't love the fit in the midsection. I kind of like the strap but it seems like it needs more than just that strap to make the dress interesting. The hair is a major blah. Also I didn't like the way she talked to her mother (though I am also guilty of sometimes being a super brat to MY mom).

Lady Gaga!

Snoooozefest. You know what would have been really something? Lady Gaga in what Reese Witherspoon wore.

Steve Carell and Nancy Walls!

From far away it's fine but close up you see that his suit is too big and that detail on the waist of her dress is truly unfortunate. It's too wide, and the way it curves is completely unflattering. Total Monet.

Octavia Spencer!

Two of my greatest wishes in life are to never see this color on the red carpet again and for Octavia Spencer to choose a different hairstyle.

Viola Davis!

Make this a strapless dress and it's a homerun. The sleeves (sleeves? arm straps?) make the dress, and therefore Viola, appear wider than it is. On closer inspection, I'd also nip it in juuuuuuuust the tichiest tich in the ribcage. We can all agree that her head is beyond perfection, right? Probably my favorite makeup of the night.