Oscars 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

After what seems like months of coverage, we now conclude our Oscars Red Carpet Rundowns. I can hardly believe that movie award show season is over and now we will be forced to languish in regular clothes until the Met Ball in May. Let's wrap this up with a very small selection of frocks that make you go hmmm.

THE WTF

Janelle Monae!

Listen, this is a divisive dress. I am firmly on Team What The Hell Is Happening. I mean, even without the pannier this is still a whole lot of sheer torso applique multi-tiered fringe peekaboo enormous studded collar STUFF. There's just so much stuff.  

Ryan Gosling!

McNulty: It's a look.
Omar: No it ain't.

Meryl Streep!

Here is the realtime version of my thoughts upon seeing this: Ooooh, I kind of love this.... oop, wait, no, secret pants.

Pharrell (seen here with Mimi Valdes)!

I am beyond delighted that Pharrell wore 800 necklaces. Honestly, could not be more filled with glee! Thank you, Pharrell, for this gift!

Oscars 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

Get yourself a snack, it's time for some truly gasp-worthy fashion. Not a good gasp, but a gasp all the same.

THE BAD

Naomie Harris!

Ooof. When I first saw Naomie on the red carpet, I was ready to give this look a chance but with each inch of dress I saw, the chances I was willing to give it evaporated. My best guess is that the designer was going for a beach wedding theme? I am not sure how they got sequins to look so much like PVC and I definitely don't mean that as a compliment. The idea of the shoes is cool except that they are hideous. And on top of all this it really could use a necklace. Oh Miss Moneypenny, I want so much more for you. 

Damien Chazelle (seen here with Olivia Hamilton)!

This would be one of the less successful blue tuxes. I cannot stand the white tie on this, especially with the black lapel detail. It fits nicely but this tux is wearing him. 

Emma Roberts!

I do not understand why this was ever resurrected from the pile of ugly vintage dresses in which it was residing. It's not flattering and the tiered skirt makes it look like she grew six inches between fittings and the designer had to make do. 

Felicity Jones!

This is a bit on-on-the-nose ballerina couture for me and the color is terrible on her. Worst of all is the fit - it's swimming on her torso and slightly too long to achieve the tea-length look she's going for. 

Priyanka Chopra!

She looks like she's standing behind a cardboard cutout of a quilt.

Nicole Kidman!

On the Kidman scale this is actually not that bad. Unfortunately, it is also not that good. This non-color makes her looks naked but covered in mandalas. Also can we just talk about the clapping? 

When I'm waiting for my nails to dry I basically look like that for two hours with every task I attempt but I do not at all believe she is waiting for her nails to dry. I think... she might... actually think that's how a person claps?

Denzel Washington (seen here with Pauletta)!

Will someone please get Denzel a suit that fits!? 

Matt Damon (seen here with Luciana Barroso)!

Ditto for Damon. Matt, get in the car. You, me, and Denzel are going to Klein Epstein & Parker. On the way we're going to talk about tie-to-head size ratios and not standing on your wife's dress.

Alicia Vikander!

How nice of her to join us straight from spin class. She looks like a cocktail waitress at the Diamond Horseshoe Review.

Octavia Spencer!

Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no. - Part I: the Frumpinator

Hailee Steinfeld!

Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no. - Part II: See-Through Fashion Stegosaurus.

Don't believe me?

Late Jurassic couture.

Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson (seen here with Lauren Hashian)!

 Least favorite tux of the night (and we haven't even address Gosling yet). For me it's a deadly combination of fabric and design - that black piping is just not working at all. It's hard when you love someone as much as I love The Rock and have to sit idly by while they wear bad clothes.

Jessica Biel!

I cannot put it any better than Reader Katya who said this looks like a gold birch tree. Someone needs to tell this girl to stop wearing her hair with a center part and DEFINITELY stop wearing jewelry that dabbles in cultural appropriation. You know, I wondered if this outfit could be saved by adding a little Justin to it...

It cannot.

Leslie Mann!

Oh my god y'all I hate this dress so much. I hate this color, I hate the tit bow, I hate the wrinkled duvet-ness of it, and I especially hate the understated jewelry. Ugh, I can't look at this any more. Moving on.

Dakota Johnson!

If I hated Leslie Mann's tit bow, I'm sure you can imagine how I feel about Dakota Johnson's enormous pelvis bow. This is clearly a 1970s nightgown gone horribly wrong. I don't have any feelings for Dakota Johnson one way or another but I do feel badly that someone likely stood in front of her and said she looked amazing. The person is not your friend, Dakota! 

Oscars 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

Thank you for your patience while waiting for this post to go up! We have a lot to cover so let's jump into it.

THE MEH

Ava DuVernay!

This was so so so close to the Good pile. The construction is a dream and I love the top half of it - yes, even with that mock turtleneck. Actually I think I want a stronger choice on sleeve length but that's my only tweak to the top. I would like to see this without the middle two bands of lace on the skirt - I think it frumpifies the dress and there is no universe in which Ava DuVernay is frumpy. I love this color on her and I love her head. 

John Legend!

Another one that was super close. I just really dislike this bow size and shape on him. He's a petite dude and it's too big.

Emma Stone!

It's customary for the expected Best Leading Actress winner to come dressed as the statue, so I have no real qualms about the color. I love the design of the top but I'm not sure it actually goes with the bottom fringe tiers. Most of all I would like to shorten the length of the straps by a quarter of an inch so top would fit more snugly on her chest.  

Kate McKinnon!

If you had asked me before the red carpet what Kate McKinnon would wear I would have guessed something from the Jennifer Aniston House of Boring Black Dresses. I would have been right. Fits great, looks great, zzzzz.

Terrence Howard (seen here with Mira Pak)!

I am 1000% into the Hugh Hefner vibe Terrence Howard is working here with that beautiful sashed and cuffed coat. I just wish he had paid the same attention to his hem length.

Busy Philipps!

I like this dress but it's not terribly flattering. I think the fit is slightly off and that's making it seem like it's sinking. Also the hair is all wrong - this dress needs some big hair.

Jackie Chan!

I would like to watch a show chronicling the adventures of Jackie Chan and his pandas. I am open to the pandas being the real ones he raised or the toy ones seen here. Everything about this is wonderful except that his pants are too long. 

Ginnifer Goodwin!

I was so impressed that she was able to get herself together to do the Oscars right after Bill Paxton's death. I am not impressed that she's wearing a less successful version of Ruth Negga's dress.

Ruth Negga!

She look amazing but the makeup and hair piece tip it too far into Lydia Deetz territory for me not see it every time. 

Chris Evans!

That's not your tux, Cap. 

Michelle Williams!

Snooooooooooooooooooooooozefest.

Scarlett Johansson!

I love her hair. The rest of it? Meh. I mean, it's fine, but I think it would be more beautiful if there was more fullness at the bottom of the skirt to really go all in on the shape.

Halle Berry!

I love this dress, except for the bottom of it, which looks like it got caught in a disco paper shredder. Actually, the longer I look at this dress the more it looks like the decorations for a prom. I super love her hair but (you cannot see this here) it's a little flat in the back and that made me sad. 

Kenneth Lonergan (seen here with J. Smith Cameron)!

I am still excited about playwrights winning Oscars! This outfit, though.... Oh Kenny. The whole tux is too big and the whole tie is too small. I would like him to switch ties with John Legend. I think maybe a playwright can get away with that dumb floppy tie. Maybe not, but I'd like to see him try.

Charlize Theron!

Wrong color and too big. Charlize, we expect better from you!

Javier Bardem!

It's the Oscars, Javier, not your niece's wedding. Sport it up a bit.

Barry Jenkins!

There was some controversy about John Cho's pant length the other day, so I'd like to take this opportunity to address it. I assumed that John Cho's pants were an appropriate length when his hands were not shoved in his pockets. I was unable to find a photo of John Cho from the Oscars without his hands in his pockets and therefore am not able to confirm the actual length of said pants so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and put him in the Good. Barry's hands are nowhere near his pockets and I can confirm that his pant length is about a quarter inch short of where I would ideally like to see it. Also what the hell is going on with that collar and that tie?  (And because I know Reader Chou may ask: Terrell Alvin McCraney seemed to me to be making A Choice with his pant leg as opposed to A Mistake.) 

Salma Hayek!

Merry widow formalwear.

Cynthia Erivo!

Dramatic and incredible! Instead of "could use a necklace" I'm going with "could use an extra inch of fabric up top because I am terrified that she's about to go tits ahoy."